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Josiah Schlatter

  1. Finally, a dream you can achieve: Professional chair racing has bubbled to creation

    Apr 18, 2011, 11:40 AM EDT

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    If you like to participate in activities that only require an average desk chair, biking safety equipment, duct tape and a complete lack of common sense, boy do I have the sport for you. In a world filled with darkness and dismay, one shining beacon of courage remains, an idea created by the Germans but…

  2. Sports Show With Norm Macdonald could use a new host

    Apr 13, 2011, 1:10 PM EDT

    Norm MacDonald

    I guess Norm Macdonald’s trusty glimmery-eyed sarcasm and limitless fart jokes would work better if his material wasn’t six months old and rehashed by almost every news outlet in America countless times. Unfortunately for him, that’s the material he wrote and that’s what he went with in last night’s pilot episode of Comedy Central’s Sports…

  3. Distracted British Columbia surgeons barred from hockey talk during surgery; lives probably ruined

    Apr 12, 2011, 6:08 PM EDT


    Unless they’re busy trying to remove a stray hockey skate from the forehead of an unamused spectator, doctors in British Columbia have been hereby banned from doing their first love: talking hockey during surgery. It all happened after one whiny patient who didn’t enjoy hockey talk during eye surgery has screwed the pooch for all…

  4. This is how the Midwest eats: Miller Park’s Pulled Pork Parfait

    Apr 8, 2011, 1:49 PM EDT


    CNBC’s Darren Rovell has spent his day finding some of the most odd looking stadium foods around the country to display on his twitter, @darrenrovell, which may arguably be the most informative sports media related feed on the planet. If you aren’t following Darren, you probably know nothing. His quest to find the most peculiar…

  5. Minor League Movers and Shakers: Altoona Curve takes rally caps to never before seen levels of creepy innovation

    Apr 7, 2011, 2:15 PM EDT

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    Baseball historians have made it known that the rally cap in baseball has been around for many centuries, beginning when a brave New York Mets fan became too embarrassed to wear the Mets’ logo in public. But without a suitable place to stash his hat without impeding his raucous booing of his hapless franchise, he…

  6. Arsenal goalkeeper sues fellow goalkeeper for quip about his likeness to Muppet Show characters

    Apr 4, 2011, 1:36 PM EDT


    I guess what I view as an accidental compliment, another views as a sue-able offense. Alleged star goalkeeper Jens Lehmann recently came out of retirement to play for European soccer squad Arsenal, a team name I’ve heard of in passing during conversations with my soccer loving friends that I didn’t really want to participate in…

  7. Madden creators take higher precautions to ensure safety for their virtual football stars

    Apr 1, 2011, 11:02 AM EDT

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    Still think the Madden football franchise isn’t the most obnoxiously realistic video game of all time? Instead of spending their time trying to actually improve upon the template they’ve used since 2006, Tiburon has decided that the best way to ensure everybody’s fun is to make the rules for bringing a concussed player back into…

  8. The Big Interview: Troy Polamalu on big hits, concession stand employees and soccer-playing football players

    Mar 31, 2011, 11:18 AM EDT


    Another in a series of interviews with pro sports stars by Off the Bench intern Josiah Schlatter, who, unlike his editor, is someone athletes will agree to talk to because he’s personable. OFF THE BENCH: Hey Troy, nice to talk to you. Jazz musicians have been known to immerse themselves so much in their music…

  9. Only two guys out of 6 million in ESPN Bracket Challenge correctly picked the Final Four

    Mar 28, 2011, 2:14 PM EDT

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    Bill and Ted, is that you? Some sort of time travel had to be necessary for two people who correctly picked Virginia Commonwealth and Butler in the Final Four. Out of 6 million entries, only two tabbed the correct Final Four — No. 11 VCU, No. 8 Butler, No. 4 Kentucky and No. 3 UConn…

  10. Dez Bryant has spent his offseason invoking ruckus in the name of saggy pants

    Mar 23, 2011, 12:46 PM EDT

    Dez Bryant

    Looks like someone’s been trying to follow in the misguided footsteps of Michael Irvin just a bit too closely. In the alternate life Dez Bryant leads away from his football field domination, he seems to be that kid in third grade who either inexplicably can’t seem to figure out how to follow any of the…

  11. Broke Mets tap broke county to help pay for their stadium dirt

    Mar 16, 2011, 1:40 PM EDT


    Noticing recently that they were millions of dollars in debt, the New York Mets did the logical thing in spring training this year: they ordered some custom-made dirt for their Port St. Lucie, Fla., playing field. To the tune of $15,000. But to be fair, they did split the cost of the dirt with the…

  12. Video: High school coach ends career by drilling buzzer-beating 3-pointer

    Mar 7, 2011, 3:44 PM EDT

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    If there was ever a high school coaching instance that could come close to rivaling the moment when Gene Hackman and his underdogs won the Indiana state championship, this is it. Kind of. Nearing the closing seconds of a blowout playoff loss in what would be the final game of his 13 years as coach…

  13. Baltimore 15-year-old Aquille Carr has hoops world buzzing (Video)

    Mar 4, 2011, 2:38 PM EDT


    Take the very best of Allen Iverson’s most amazing plays, put them in fast forward and then imagine them being done by a 15-year-old from Baltimore. That’s about how Aquille Carr plays basketball. Imagine yourself watching a video of a Peregrine Falcon swooping in at speeds only touched by a Toyota with faulty gas pedal…

  14. For some reason Doug Gottlieb can do no wrong in the eyes of police, and here’s the evidence

    Mar 2, 2011, 2:22 PM EDT

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    ESPN analyst and former MVP of the 2001 Maccabiah Games for team USA Doug Gottlieb may look like an ordinary man to almost every person on this planet except for one exception. A police officer happened to pull him over while Gottlieb was conducting an interview with Oklahoma’s 810 WHB sports talk radio station. The…

  15. Will someone help Matt Kemp get out of this freakin’ stadium?

    Feb 28, 2011, 5:35 PM EDT

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    Sometimes we forget that our baseball players are guys who spend four hours a day donning a uniform that gives them superpowers, and the rest being Clark Kent. When they remove the outfit they’re just like us. Take for example Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp, who changed out of his uniform so he could…

  16. Fight of the Floppers: Chris Bosh faces off against Chilean soccer player for title of wussiest man (Video)

    Feb 25, 2011, 1:21 PM EDT


    It’s no secret that my least favorite basketball player in all of the land is Chris Bosh, the one who snaked his way into a friendship with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade when he spent time on the United States’ gold medal-winning Olympic basketball team, and then forced his way into their dreams of glory…

  17. Temple Owls fans hold funeral for St. Joe’s Hawk that allegedly never dies

    Feb 21, 2011, 3:59 PM EDT

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    For sixty years, fans of the Saint Joseph’s basketball team have exalted over their hawk mascot, which spends most of its time incessantly flapping its wings because that’s what people found entertaining in the 1950’s and nobody bothered to tell the poor bird it’s allowed to stop. The bird’s inability to stop flapping became the…

  18. Clear your calendars, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird are hitting Broadway

    Feb 18, 2011, 1:36 PM EDT

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    Now that the ill-fated $65 million Spiderman: Turn off the Dark has been certified as crap by almost every one of the three reviews I’ve read, something’s got to save Broadway’s reputation or people may never watch a play again! That savior could be Magic/Bird, a play that has been written and developed by the…

  19. Video: Joe Mauer agreed to play MLB The Show 2011 with us, proves he’s good at everything

    Feb 17, 2011, 2:13 PM EDT

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    When we were contacted by Sony for a chance to drive to New York City to watch Joe Mauer demonstrate the Playstation 3’s latest incarnation of their baseball flagship video game ‘MLB: The Show 2011, I was skeptical. Would Mauer, the cover athlete for two years running, even knew how to play the game? He…

  20. Video: New York Knicks rookie Landry Fields fails miserably at selling his own jersey

    Feb 11, 2011, 12:47 PM EDT

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    Helped by the unexpected ascension of unheralded rookie Landry Fields and the acquisition of all-world power forward Amare Stoudamire, the New York Knicks have finally gotten their act together after many years of hilarious ineptitude. They have a record of 26-25, good for 2nd place in the Atlantic Division, which is incredibly impressive seeing that…

  21. Wing Bowl Part II: Strippers and booze make America great

    Feb 7, 2011, 12:13 PM EDT

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    The first thing I noticed as I strolled through the parking lot of the South Philadelphia sporting complex was an intoxicated 30-something lugging around a gigantic jug of mystery juice that he was crowing about to his posse of faceless drinking drones. That about sums up the general experience I got from spending six hours…

  22. Off the Bench intern visits Wing Bowl 19, meets Ron Jeremy, Takeru Kobayashi

    Feb 4, 2011, 3:36 PM EDT

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    As I set my barely awake eyes upon the empty Wells-Fargo Center that was about to become the pride and joy of Philadelphia, I couldn’t help but wonder if the wing eating competition known as Wing Bowl could seriously get as wild as people say. It’s called a wing eating competition with a bit of…

  23. Get your checkbook ready to be emptied, it’s Super Bowl prop bet season

    Jan 31, 2011, 1:47 PM EDT


    Now that we’ve gotten the shameless public showcase of how lazy football would look if the players didn’t have anything to fight for that we call the Pro Bowl out of the way, it’s high time we start thinking about blowing all of the money we’ve been saving up to cover for our Christmas debts.…

  24. Waffle tossers rejoice: Waffle throwing Maple Leafs fan has charges dropped, still faces lifetime ban

    Jan 28, 2011, 2:27 PM EDT

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    While we Americans throw live fish and baby chickens in our silent acts of outrage, Canadians are out there making sure the things they throw don’t have parents. When Maple Leafs fans don’t agree with people in power, they toss waffles; which is actually a smart custom to start because if Toronto actually WINS a…

  25. Fort Worth pep rally for school’s mariachi group goes wrong after fish and chicks fly, die

    Jan 26, 2011, 11:28 AM EDT


    Meanwhile, elsewhere in Fort Worth, North Side High School has some ‘splainin’ to do. North Side’s mariachi band was one of the best of its kind in the state, presumably because no other school even bothered to think successful mariachi band-ing could be considered a competition. So they fired up a pep rally in their…