Archives › Josiah Schlatter
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Planking, you’ve had your time in America. Consider yourself replaced. After weeks of tracking the rise of planking as it made it’s way from Australia into the minds and homes of America, your proud planking correspondents here at OTB are sorry to announce that planking it kaput. In its place is something much cooler; a…
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Things are getting desperate for Jose Canseco, who’s resorted to Twitter’s DM to find a woman
Jul 14, 2011, 12:26 PM EDT
Jose Canseco’s been pretty crazy lately, let’s just put it that way. One of the greatest things to come out of his latest entry in his attempt at proving the theory of de-evolution to be correct is his twitter feed, which has been littered with his stream of musings on love (Sample tweet: Falling in…
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Cal Ripken Jr. on playing for his father, staying clean in the steroid era and jumping stairs in Minnesota
Jul 13, 2011, 4:37 PM EDT
Occasionally our own Josiah Schlatter bothers athletes and then writes about it. This is one of those times. Off the Bench: Hey Cal, thanks for the time. You’re Mr. Longevity. What made you capable of playing every day while the rest of the league was taking days off for dings and bruises where they miss…
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The lockout is making players crazy: Joe Flacco makes wedding party play with him since the Ravens won’t
Jul 8, 2011, 4:24 PM EDT
Tired of waiting around for suits who whine about money, Joe Flacco had his young ‘unibrown friendly’ bride and large cache of groomsmen pose as if they were the Baltimore Ravens. He has his bride-to-be stationed at center, presumably for the opportunity to graze her butt with his hand. Matt Birk must feel so cheated…
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From the ever powerful Thousand Oaks Acorn comes the news that little Abby Sunderland, most recently seen on a book tour for her memoir Unsinkable: A Young Woman’s Courageous Battle on the High Seas — a book about how her boat was, in fact, very sinkable — is now planning to fly around the globe.…
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The future is here: Vehicularly manslaughter your competition with a motorized surfboard!
Jul 1, 2011, 4:15 PM EDT
Want to catch a wave but you’re feeling a little lazy? Well get off that sofa and flip the ‘on’ switch because there’s a new motorized surfboard on the market that’ll skin the lard off of any sharks mistaking your board for a motorized seal. Any questions? Listen to the inventor Mike Railey of Del…
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Football to get you through the day: Aaron Rodgers and his magic wizard arm (video)
Jul 1, 2011, 2:49 PM EDT
Has Aaron Rodgers gotten to that ‘Yo-Yo Ma with a cello’ level of complete and utter domination? With a football at his disposal, he can turn every target into his waiting temptress with a ball that seems to float like a feather falling out of the sky, born to touch down softly into the waiting…
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Redemption Song: This time last year, Sean Burroughs was known as that dude eating cheeseburgers out of trash cans
Jun 29, 2011, 3:53 PM EDT
Ever wonder what happened to Sean Burroughs, the golden boy third baseman for the San Diego Padres who stormed through life succeeding at a breakneck pace only to get stopped cold when he reached the majors? Well, he’s back, and is trying to make a baseball comeback (he made the Diamondbacks roster but was waived…
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Which Boston Bruin ordered the Amstel Light? Beer company offers glorious reward for answer
Jun 28, 2011, 3:47 PM EDT
Much public consternation was applied after the Boston Bruins’ glorious celebration of their 2011 Stanley Cup championship resulted in their notorious $156,000 bar tab, which defenseman Zdeno Chara now claims was a gross exaggeration. That figure was exacerbated, he said, by a comped $100,000 bottle of Ace of Spades “Midas” champagne that they signed and…
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‘Fan site’ created to raise bail money for Lenny Dykstra was probably created by Lenny himself
Jun 27, 2011, 3:13 PM EDT
Oh, Lenny. Still trying to con your way into making us believe someone actually cares. In an attempt at he still deserves to walk amongst the free even after getting charged with 25 counts of criminal activity that include five counts of ‘attempted’ grand theft auto, eight counts of filing false financial statements, four counts…
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John Kerry having trouble once again faking knowledge of Boston sports
Jun 17, 2011, 3:29 PM EDT
If you claim to be even a fringe follower of the Boston sports scene, you probably have the name of Tim Thomas, the goalie who put a whole franchise on his 37-year-old, 5-foot-10 shoulders and carried them all the way to a Stanley Cup championship, permanently emblazoned into your cranium, right? Not if you’re Sen.…
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Trade your fertility for a basketball signed by the NBA Champion Mavericks
Jun 16, 2011, 4:02 PM EDT
Have you and the wife been thinking about snipping the old fertility cords but you just can’t seem to find the motivation needed to go through an operation that gives you useless testicles? Well then you’re in luck, because a Dallas area urologist is offering the chance to win a signed basketball from the NBA…
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Former Miss Teen USA Stormi Henley caddied for her dad on the PGA tour
Jun 13, 2011, 2:29 PM EDT
Kip Henley didn’t have such a great time at the PGA FedEx St. Jude Classic in Memphis, where he finished last. Hey, give the guy a break, he’s a caddie by profession … for PGA tour veteran Brian Gay. But the biggest disappointment was when Henley said that he would never again step onto the…
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The Big Interview: Darryl Dawkins on block parties, living with Doug Collins and playing with Kobe’s dad
Jun 2, 2011, 1:18 PM EDT
Off the Bench intern Josiah Schlatter occasionally convinces pro athletes to talk to him. This is one of those times. — Ed. OTB: I remember I read a book about you and the whole ‘Chocolate Thunder’ legend, you remember that book? Darryl Dawkins: Yeah! It talked about how you used to throw block parties back…
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Australia’s planking craze now has the official disapproval of their Prime Minister, also video
May 23, 2011, 1:56 PM EDT
We at Off the Bench presented you with the Australian concept of ‘fun’ on Wednesday when we learned of the deadly new example of survival of the fittest they like to call ‘planking.’ That’s where an individual poses as a plank on a hilariously dangerous platform such as a camel hump or an inner tube…
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Michael Vick’s redemption tour continues with new gig as high school commencement speaker for troubled teens
May 20, 2011, 11:40 AM EDT
In the land of second chances, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick has provided the blueprint for atonement. The latest chapter of Vick’s redemption tale has him speaking in front of some of Philadelphia’s most troubled teens as their commencement speaker, winning the gig over Philadelphia’s favorite mayor/wannabe rapper Michael Nutter and the superintendent of Philadelphia’s public…
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Everybody’s gone planking: Australians are figuring out cool new ways to accidentally kill themselves
May 18, 2011, 10:03 AM EDT
Now this just seems like a thing Australians would be good at. Their latest killer trend is something called “planking”, where the coolest of cool Australians compete to find the wackiest of situations and then photograph each other contorting their body into planks to share with their buddies on social media sites such as Facebook…
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Soccer champions can’t seem to stop dropping their trophies off buses (video)
May 16, 2011, 2:38 PM EDT
It’s an epidemic, I tell you! Weeks after Real Madrid’s Sergio Ramos set a new precedent for celebrating championships by dropping the Copa Del Rey trophy off the front of a bus he was carousing on, the goalie of the Dutch National team, Maarten Stekelenburg, of Ajax followed suit by dropping his trophy off the…
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When Crown Royal contacted me to spend a weekend at Richmond International Raceway for NASCAR’s Matthew and Daniel Hansen 400 to participate in a scavenger hunt with a group of top tier bloggers from all over America, there was only one question on my mind: How much of my soul will I have to sell…
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Wake Up Call: How did Subway know that Mark Ingram was going to the Saints?
Apr 29, 2011, 9:00 AM EDT
Cynics among us would say that the ‘S’ on the chest of this chicken salad sculpture is for ‘Subway.’ But I happen to think that Subway was tipped off — or Jared has magical prediction powers — going into Thursday’s first round of the NFL Draft. How did they know to put a golden ‘S’…
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11-year-old girl has four black belts, demands you do one more pushup
Apr 25, 2011, 2:43 PM EDT
There can’t be any more satisfying opportunities as an 11-year-old in today’s world of power tripping than to order a bunch of her classmates to do jumping jacks at will, but that’s what little Samantha Knopfer has going for her. She had the foresight to earn four martial arts black belts before her fellow classmates…
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Orioles’ Luke Scott throws banana chips at Dominican teammate to remind him to ‘not be a savage’
Apr 23, 2011, 3:28 PM EDT
I don’t know who Baltimore Orioles’ outfielder Luke Scott’s role models are, but I’m pretty sure one of them could be the evil white men from Disney’s Pocahontas who think the best way to befriend the native Americans is to kill them off. Or at least insult them so badly that they get up and…
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CFL running back Yonus Davis caught with 67 pounds of ecstasy, intent to party
Apr 23, 2011, 3:09 PM EDT
40,000 tablets of ecstasy? I sure hope running back Yonus Davis of the B.C. Lions wasn’t planning on taking all of those pills by himself. Davis was apparently taking advice from Mitch Hedberg, who once famously said, “I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it… And he’s…
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They’ve added another sign of the Apocalypse: Pro bowling at Cowboys Stadium
Apr 22, 2011, 2:00 PM EDT
There’s always a bright side to any potential sporting lockout. Players get a long vacation to get their heads and bodies straight. Owners look like idiots. Fans save money. League executives experience how it feels when nobody can compromise. Women get to bowl on top of the Dallas Cowboys’ midfield star. Hey, the Black Eyed…
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Floyd Mayweather makes highlight video of all of his favorite money
Apr 20, 2011, 10:02 AM EDT
While other athletes are more fixated on videos that actually show off their most impressive athletic endeavors, Floyd Mayweather has a different agenda: living up to his reputation for hilarious greed by making a home video of how he lives better than most sultans. The video, which he posted on his web site, shows off…
