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Pimp cups, juice assault, and representing yourself in court: The hilarious Fred Davis story

Jun 29, 2012, 1:24 PM EDT

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Aside from posting respectable numbers of 59 catches and 796 yards in only 12 games last season, Washington Redskins tight end Fred Davis is probably best known for receiving a four-game suspension from the NFL for testing positive for marijuana (hence the only 12 games part). Not anymore. Washingtonian Magazine has released the delightfully absurd details of a bizarre lawsuit Davis is currently facing from a nightclub goer who claims Davis dumped a pitcher of juice on her head and then busted her lip with the subsequently empty vessel. (Davis, for his part, admits to the brazen juice attack but only after she threw a drink in his face, and denies busting the woman’s lip — an account corroborated by the evening’s surveillance footage, according to police). Believe it or not, things actually get crazier from there. Let’s break it down:

1. The woman is 33-year-old Makini Chaka, who is apparently not a tasty frozen margarita drink but a self-styled “celebrity broker” who organizes parties for athletes and other well-known persons. However, to hear Fred Davis’ bodyguard Stewart Prince tell it, she’s nothing but a pimp. And what’s a pimp without a cup?

Prince claimed Chaka “often carries her ‘pimp-cup’ with her, is acquainted with other well-known pimps including Bishop Don Juan (the ‘Bishop’) and frequently attends the Bishop’s Players’ Ball with her female escorts.”

Seems reasonable enough. Who among us hasn’t attended the Bishop’s Players’ Ball once or twice? The pigs-in-a-blanket are just to die for. What else?

2. The beef (juice?) between the two seems to date back a few years, when after having become acquainted through other Redskins, Chaka took a liking to the young receiver, who apparently did not reciprocate the feeling.

Prince traced the animosity to an earlier birthday celebration for Davis in California. “From what I understand, [Chaka] is upset with Mr. Davis because she went out of her way to befriend him and went to Los Angeles to party with him years ago even though he never told her to come,” Prince said in court documents. “When she arrived in Los Angeles, she called him to pick her up and when he refused, she became infuriated with him. Since that time, she has had a personal vendetta against him.”

Showing up uninvited at a cross-country celebration and demanding to be picked up at the airport? Okay, that’s crazy, but we all have an ex who would probably try the same. Let’s see if we can’t go even crazier.

3. In what will surely go down in the annals of jurisprudence as a landmark decision, both Davis and Chaka are representing themselves in the proceedings. And let’s just say that neither of them are exactly going to give Matlock (or Lionel Hutz, for that matter) a run for his money. Witness the following exchange, which has to be the funniest thing to ever happen in a court of law not named Joe Amendola:

During cross-examination at the April hearing, the two armchair attorneys argued over a photograph of Chaka, a woman, and two men:

Davis: “As it shows, you also have your hand on his genitals. I mean why would you take a picture like that?”

Chaka: “I do not. Let’s look closely at the exhibit right here, Judge. Where is my hand placed in this exhibit?”

Judge: “I do not answer questions. . . . The witness does.”

Chaka: “Can you tell me where my hand is actually at in this photo?”

Davis: “It looks like it’s in the genitals to me. I mean your hands are on his genitals. Your hand is on his—”

Chaka: “Objection.”

“I do not answer questions. The witness does.” Gold. Putting aside the obvious question of why a millionaire wouldn’t simply hire, you know, an actual lawyer to handle these things, can we please turn this into a Bravo series ASAP? Hell, I would pay fifty dollars just to watch the two of them go through voir dire. There is absolutely no excuse for the entire gaggle of Kardashians to have fourty-two hours of dedicated programming a week and have this brilliance go untelevised. Let’s make it happen.

The case is scheduled to go to trial in March of next year, and for entertainment’s sake one can only hope that neither wise up and acquire real legal representation in the interim. Davis, having received the franchise designation from the Redskins in the off-season, is expected to blossom into an even larger role in the offense with the arrival of Robert Griffin III, and I’m sure Ms. Chaka will be kept busy with her “celebrity brokerage” business, as she claims to be friends/associates with Willis McGahee, Snoop Dogg, Vonta Leach, and Ray Rice among others (who I’m sure are all thrilled to have their names associated with this juice-stained mess).

In the meantime, Davis has to remain at least 75 feet away from Chaka at all times, due to a restraining order she filed in 2011 that Davis elected not to show up at the hearing for (you know, I’m starting to think Davis doesn’t always make the best decisions).

If Ms. Chaka is serious about maintaining such distance from Mr. Davis, we here at Off the Bench suggest she hang out with the Redskins’ presumptive back-up Rex Grossman, who hasn’t come within 75 feet of a receiver since 2006.

Stay tuned for more details as they become available, and watch out for that juice.

UPDATE: Washingtonian has posted more transcripts from the proceedings, and I again repeat my request that this lawsuit never stop.

Chaka: Let’s look at these photos right here. Because I went to college. I go back to my homecoming every year. Why? Because a building on the campus named after a family of my family.

Davis: So, they use a pimp cup, that’s all.

Chaka: Mr. Davis, I’m drinking out of a decorated accessory as many celebrities do.

Davis: Many celebrities as who, Magic Don Juan that’s a pimp?

Chaka: As Paris Hilton, as Snoop Dog, as Little John—I work with celebrities. Don’t you think it could have been a gift from one of them?

***

Redskins’ Fred Davis’s Legal Mess: Harassment Suit, Restraining Order [Washingtonian.com]

  1. skids003 - Jun 29, 2012 at 3:12 PM

    Ah, what can you say? They is what they is.

    • allmyteamsareterrible - Jun 29, 2012 at 6:39 PM

      I audibly chuckled and for that I thank you

  2. myopinionisrighterthanyours - Jun 29, 2012 at 4:57 PM

    “A man who represents himself has a fool for a client.” Rick, you missed possibly the best quote from Davis, who told the Judge that Chaka’s suit was “It’s just all made up and flagellant.” Funny thing is, while Davis may not know what flagellant means, I have a sneaking suspicion that Chaka does.