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Oh heavens, John Rocker is a columnist now

Jun 27, 2012, 8:09 PM EDT

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No matter how many books and columns John Rocker writes between now the end of days, he will never pen anything as noteworthy as the 1999 Sports Illustrated article about him by Jeff Pearlman that made him a household name. The words you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS is now as notorious any entry in Bartlet’s Quotations.

But now Rocker is turning the tables somewhat: you already know he’s written a book. Now he’s writing a weekly column.

Hmm. He should have heeded another famous quote: “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx.

As a writer, John Rocker is a great relief pitcher. That is to say he’s horrid. His debut column for the conservative site WND Diversions would have been sent back for a total overhaul by any middle school English teacher in the country, but not here. Also on the page containing Rocker’s first column was the ad: Astonishing Red Sea Crossing Video, $495 today only! Robotic submarine cameras reveal ‘hundreds of Egyptian chariots strewn across the sea floor’ and this headline: Fed-up Christians go to war against Green Giant frozen vegetables.

Rocker’s column, on the Roger Clemens trial, was not a column as much as a tortuous, extended analogy that only gets to the point in the final paragraph. Kind of like life, when you think about it.

But why should I bet the only one to suffer? Read it for yourself.

I’m not criticizing the content of the column — there barely is any. I’m objecting to the way it’s written. If you read it and seriously disagree, please set me straight.

I hate to do this after minutes of faithful readership, WND Diversions, but … unsubscribed.

  1. skids003 - Jun 28, 2012 at 8:25 AM

    Oh, come on Rick, it should be quite entertaining. It’ll give you liberals something and someone to attack and laugh at.

  2. winkeroni - Jun 28, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    Am I the only one that can’t help but think that John Rocker is a little bit similar to Kenny Powers.