Rick’s Cafe: An athlete’s guide to snubbing the President of the United States

As far as I can tell, the tradition of the President of the United States inviting championship teams to the White House began in 1924, when Calvin Coolidge welcomed the Washington Senators for a photo op outside on the East Lawn (Grace Coolidge: “We don’t want those people in our home.”) Linked here is a photo of that event, and … hey, where’s Firpo Marberry? I don’t see him in there anywhere. That disrespectful bastard!

Eighty-eight years later, Tim Thomas of the Boston Bruins turns down a trip to the White House, and the nation experiences palpitations and conniptions, and possibly the “yips”. Why is this important, and what can athletes do to prevent similar controversy in the future? Let’s take a look and try to figure this out.

Since 1924, dozens of winning teams have heeded the call to Pennsylvania Ave., to chat with Eisenhower, schmooze with Reagan, cuddle with Carter. Most athletes consider it an honor too dandy to pass up: even Muhammad Ali, who had a bone or two to pick with the federal government, set aside his differences to meet with every president from Nixon to Obama.

But Firpo Marberry aside (merely detained due to a butter churning mishap, I hear), snubbing a trip to the White House is a recent phenomenon: now the thing all the cool kids are doing. It first showed up in 1984, when Larry Bird declined to join the Celtics in a trip to visit Reagan & the gang. When asked why, Bird famously said: “If he wants me, the president knows where to find me.” Fun fact: Within two months, Bird’s nickname had been changed from “Larry Legend” to “Larry Audit”.

One could say that Barack Obama isn’t totally into this White House visit thing: he didn’t get around to asking the San Francisco Giants over until July of 2011: nearly nine months after they won the World Series. There was something mentioned by the administration about tornado victims and killing bin Laden … you know, the typical excuses. But still, when it was time to go, all of the Giants attended — even Willie Mays, who thought he had played in the games. No one had the heart to tell him this wasn’t 1954.

Which brings us to Thomas.

Look, I’m not saying that Thomas doesn’t have the right to skip the White House Dog & Pony Show if he so desires. This isn’t North Korea, and no one’s getting thrown in jail for failing to cry at The Leader’s funeral. But Thomas went about this all wrong. By explaining why he skipped the event (“the federal government is too big and out of control,” he said in part), he made it a political statement; thus declaring open season on his political views. This is the verbal equivalent of releasing your tax returns — all of your crackpot notions are now open to scrutiny. But the main thing is that no one really cares what your political convictions are; they only care that you’ve declared them. Face it, Tim: who’s basing their vote on the say-so of a Northeast Division goalie?

Example: So, Tim, you think the government is too big? Then why didn’t you boycott the Bruins’ victory parade, which was subsidized by the taxpayers? That was a terrific use of public money at the direction of big government, wasn’t it?

And how about your precious Tea Party? That’s the group that wants to amend state laws governing school curriculum in Tennessee to eliminate all references to the Founding Fathers owning slaves. Yes, the Tea Party wants the government to step in and change our textbooks. Seems pretty out of control to me.

In addition, Thomas’ snub has alienated some of his teammates, fans, and at least one member of the Bruins’ front office, who called Thomas an “[Expletive] selfish [expletive].” A reader wrote in our comments section that he misses the days when the sports pages were just about sports, and not about money or politics. But in this case that’s Thomas’ fault, not he media’s. Every president invites championship teams to the White House … it’s the one event in that building where politics are left at the door. It was Thomas who chose to change that.

So to avoid such grief in the future, here’s a handy list of excuses for athletes to use when they get an invitation to the White House, but don’t want to go due to differences with the president. Also included are phrases you can use to cause the Secret Service to ask you to stay home:

1. “I cannot attend, my cat has smallpox.”

2. “My several restraining orders extend 45 miles out from each side of the Potomac River.”

3. “I am allergic to high praise.”

4. “I will be happy to attend. Will there be snacks for my hamsters?”

5. “I will require a small room for my many costume changes throughout the ceremony.”

6. “I hope my frequent and uncontrollable flatulence will not be a problem.”

7. “Attendance may conflict with my duties as Aquaman.”

8. “I’ve been called up by the EPL.”

9. “I have no gift to bring pah rum pum pum pum.”

10. “That day I’ll be deathly ill.”

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Rick’s Cafe Americain appears on Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.