Jan 17, 2012, 1:12 PM EDT
The result would be Aztec Dog, the new mascot for Club Tijuana of Mexico’s Premier Division. The good news is that Aztec Dog lives in Tijuana, which is fenced off from the U.S. The bad news is that he can give you rabies with his mind. But Aztec Dog does NOT lead the Mascot Power Rankings this week. Take a look after the jump to see who does.
The Top Ten:
10. Moonchester, Manchester United, Premier League. We begin in the British Isles, where soccer reigns supreme but mascots are, apparently, an afterthought. Europe does not do mascots well, I’m afraid. But believe it or not, he’s probably the best one. Nightmare fuel rating: 7. WTF quotient: 7. Kid friendly: No. Will be played in the movie by: Rowan Atkinson.
9. Sammy the Slug, UC Santa Cruz. Named by Reader’s Digest in 2004 as the nation’s best college mascot, Sammy the Banana Slug is best known for his awesome motto: “No Known Predators.” Actually deposed the school’s official mascot, the sea lion, in a campus coup in 1986. According to Slugweb, “It represented many of the strongest elements of the campus: contemplation, flexibility, non-aggressiveness and, perhaps above all, an iconoclastic challenge toward the status quo.” Nightmare fuel rating: 7. WTF quotient: 9. Kid friendly: Yes. Will be played in the movie by: Robert Picardo.
8. Pearl the Squirrel, City of New York Parks & Recreation. So the City of New York decided it needed a mascot for its Parks and Recreation Department, and decided to farm out the chore to amateur creators throughout the land. The winner was Pearl,, who beat out runnerups such as Borough Bee, Hudson the Hawk, Parker the Leaf and Cullen the Cardinal to become the city’s official
bb gun target costumed park spokesman. My entry, Professor Mittens the Feral Cat, must have gotten lost in the mail. Terrifying note from Pearl’s online bio: Other Interests/Hobbies: Bicycling the greenways of New York City. Yes, a squirrel who can ride a bike. No one is safe. Nightmare fuel rating: 8. WTF quotient: 7. Kid friendly: No (rabies). Will be played in the movie by: Amy Poehler.
7. Phil E. Moose, Philadelphia 76ers. When it suddenly dawned on the 76ers that their mascot was a rabbit, the team knew something had to be done. So they held a contest to let fans vote on a new mascot, with three choices: The best of which is a moose. Hmm, sound like a certain presidential primary race? The other two are Big Ben and B. Franklin Dogg, leaving the Philadelphia Daily News to wonder, did the team deliberately create terrible mascots just for the publicity? The answer is shrouded in mystery. Nightmare fuel rating: 5. WTF quotient: 9. Kid friendly: Yes. To be played in the movie by: Chevy Chase.
6. Swoop, South Bend Silver Hawks (Single-A Midwest League). The life of a mascot can be tedious, dangerous and depressing, until that magical day arrives when you get to French kiss a beauty queen in the stands. Hey Swoop, no beak! Nightmare fuel rating: 4. WTF quotient: 7. Kid friendly: No. Will be played in the movie by: Brad Pitt. Thanks to: Benjamin Hill.
5. Strike the Sasquatch, Northwest Arkansas Naturals (Double-A Texas League). I dare you to look at this photo and not become terrified. Oh good Lord in heaven. From Strike’s home page: On February 27, 2007, two Naturals staff members were driving the Naturals logo van while returning from a meeting in Bella Vista when they noticed a strange, hairy, brown creature crossing Bella Vista Parkway. The creature approached the vehicle when it was stopped at a stoplight and started to pump his fists, apparently excited about the Naturals coming to town. The staff members are still officially considered missing. Meanwhile, I’ve lost my appetite. Nightmare fuel rating: 10. WTF quotient: 8. Kid friendly: No. Will be played in the movie by: Randall “Tex” Cobb.
4. The Bear, Utah Jazz. Controversy in Salt Lake City as it is alleged by many that this apparent “accident,” in which The Bear appears to have accidentally drops a birthday cake on the crowd below, was really staged. Controversy arose when it was noted that someone had apparently taped an “x” on the floor below where the cake landed. Plus, the lack of arena personnel rushing to see if anyone was hurt/angry is a tipoff that the whole thing was faked. Nice execution by The Bear, however. Nightmare fuel rating: 7. WTF quotient: 8. Kid friendly: No (the smell). Will be played in the movie by: John Lithgow.
3. Rocky the Mountain Lion, Denver Nuggets. Rocky, a mountain lion as imagined by artists from The Simpsons, turned in an impressive athletic feat last week: sinking a halfcourt shot backwards. But the best part was how he did it. After several misses, Rocky Tebowed, and then immediately hit the shot. Nightmare fuel rating: 5. WTF quotient: 7. Kid friendly: Yes. Will be played in the movie by: Michelle Pfeiffer.
2. Aztec Dog, Club Tijuana Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente. The Primera División de México team unveiled its new uniforms on Sunday (main photo above), and along with them came their old mascot, Aztec Dog, with a new look. Children may want to steer clear of this terrifying hell hound until we’re sure he’s had all his shots. Nightmare fuel rating: 8. WTF quotient: 6. Kid friendly: No. Will be played in the movie by: Benicio Del Toro.
1. Obie, the Orange Bowl orange. You know the story by now: Obie wandered too close to the end zone during the Orange Bowl, and was trampled by West Virginia’s Darwin Cook at the tail end of his touchdown run. Obie then threw up in a garbage can, and emerged several days later from the hospital (photo, left) following a pulpectomy. Nightmare fuel rating: 4. WTF quotient: 6. Kid friendly: Yes. Will be played in the movie by: Johnny Depp.
Mascot Power Rankings appears on Tuesday. If you have a mascot nomination, send it to Rickchand@gmail.com.
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