Oct 13, 2011, 1:45 PM EDT
I won’t lie, it’s impossible for me to imagine Tim Tebow uttering John McClane’s signature line: “Yippee ki yay, mother******.” Perhaps they can rewrite it? “You underestimated me, fellows.” Or, “Despite your attempts to rig this skyscraper with explosives, Jesus still loves you.”
Nope, nope not working. So I’ll just take it on faith that Fox Filmed Entertainment CEO John Rothman knows what he’s doing. On Jim Rome’s radio show on Wednesday, Rothman brought up Tebow’s name while discussing the studio’s planned Die Hard sequel — in which Bruce Willis will again play John McClane, this time handing down his terror-bashing skills to his son. And that son may be Tebow. Yep.
“What do you think of Tebow in the lead?’’ Rothman asked Rome.
And Rome replied, “He might be too nice. But no one would work harder to make it work.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Who ate the last donut?” But you’re also thinking, “Tebow had better try acting, because he damn well can’t play football.” The Broncos, and God, apparently disagree, because they’ve set the table for him to be the starting quarterback in a way that’s leaving nothing to chance. At 1-4 in the AFC West, Denver is giving Tebow an 11-game tryout, beginning with the team that comes with its own laugh track, the 0-4 Miami Dolphins. The Lions and Raiders in weeks 8 and 9 may be more problematic, but for a first bout, you can’t do better than drawing Glass Joe.
Denver will use its bye this week getting Tebow ready for prime time, which means stripping down the playbook like a junkyard Chevy Impala. Tebow will have fewer programmed combinations than Noisy Boy, but hopefully for Denver fans the result will be different.
And if they do win, man, get ready for chaos. The resulting Tebow explosion will be awesome to behold (picture Helen Hunt driving through a tornado, yelling “Cow!”). I can’t think of another pro athlete who has been as polarizing as Tebow, despite the fact that he’s had practically no chance to prove himself. You either love him or you hate him — few are perched on the fence. And if he starts winning in Denver, the haters are going to be eaten whole.
Which brings me to this bit of greatness, found in my email box this morning. Courtesy of the Denver Post, it’s Desktop Tebow, a fun craft project to while away the indeterminable hours until kickoff. But who in their right mind would spend time on a weekday morning assembling a paper Tim Tebow for one’s desk? What a colossal waste of time. Um … what I mean to say is … here’s mine:
As you can see I had a little trouble with the arms (they’re supposed to be pointing down, at his hips), and I forgot his helmet. Kind of fitting, actually: Tebow’s critics have been pointing out the trouble with his mechanics for years. They say he’s rash, unpredictable, prone to throwing balls that resemble the Balloon Boy craft in flight.
But I can think of plenty of quarterbacks who have won without looking pretty. Football, we tend to forget, is a team game: today’s Aaron Rodgers is tomorrow’s Duante Culpepper. Remember when everyone, and by everyone I mean you, were writing obituaries for Alex Smith? He didn’t all of a sudden make a deal with Mr. Applegate after six years in the league, you know. So much depends on the system and the coach and the offensive line, and we always forget that. Because it’s easier to say “Player A sucks,” rather than break down the reasons why. Frankly, you sicken me. Begone with you.
Just kidding. Let’s stay right here and get ready for Tebow Nation, v. 2.0. If his rollout the Sunday after next is a success, there will be a paper Tebow on every desktop, and we’ll pray to it in the mornings and lay it gently on our pillows each night, covering it with tiny knitted comforters. But look out for the cat … oh no! Tiny paper desktop Tebow! …
Yep, it’s almost Tebow time. Yippee ki yay, um, fellows.
Rick’s Cafe Americain appears each Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.
Mar 31, 2013, 10:37 AM EDT
Since this will be the final post in the history of Off The Bench, I feel that this post can’t just be a simple post about an NFL player buying segways for his teammates or an improbable buzzer beater from a high school basketball game. I’d like to echo the sentiments that Rick featured in…
Mar 31, 2013, 7:13 AM EDT
As Opening Day of Major League Baseball is just around the corner, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels will be getting the starting nod against the Atlanta Braves. If you have been following the Phillies during spring training, you might have noticed that Hamels has been growing a rather impressive mustache. Below are just some photos…
Mar 30, 2013, 12:16 PM EDT
Back in 2012, Vanderbilt University’s baseball team pulled off a successful triple steal in a game against Florida in the SEC Tournament. Earlier this week, Vanderbilt pulled off that rare feat again in a non-conference game against Lipscomb University. With runners on first and second, Commodore manager Tim Corbin called for the steal and before…
Mar 30, 2013, 9:04 AM EDT
Back on Tuesday, the United States men’s soccer team traveled to Azteca Stadium to face Mexico in a World Cup Qualifying match. After the match ended in a draw, a group of happy United States fans celebrated the 0-0 score in the upper deck of the Azteca. As chants of USA got louder and louder,…
Mar 28, 2013, 8:00 AM EDT
In case you haven’t heard, Easter Sunday is the final day of Off the Bench: this blog will cease operations as of 11:59 p.m. on that date. So the day after March 31, there will be no new posts on this blog. The timing is fine: I see no reason people would wake the next…
Mar 27, 2013, 3:19 PM EDT
So the Miami Heat have won 27 straight, and have an excellent chance of breaking the NBA record for consecutive wins, 33, set by the 1971-72 Los Angeles Lakers. Here’s a pretty good breakdown comparing the two teams. But if you’re like me, it’s not enough to know that Thor and Hercules were both very…
Mar 26, 2013, 2:35 PM EDT
Life as a lesser Belushi can be frustrating at times, I’d imagine: even though you occasionally get to be in films like Trading Places and be married to Courtney Thorne-Smith. Also you get to participate in Shoot-the-Puck contests at Chicago Blackhawks games. Jim Belushi was born in Chicago, so I sure hope he makes this…
Mar 25, 2013, 5:39 PM EDT
If you’re a fan of vintage tennis posters — or, you know, hot chicks — the you may be familiar with ‘Tennis Girl’. That’s the photo of 18-year-old Fiona Butler showing her mostly bare backside, shot by her boyfriend, Martin Elliott, and made into an iconic, best-selling poster in the 1970s. Lauren Davis of the…
Mar 25, 2013, 9:00 AM EDT
But that’s not even the most incredible part of this story. Iram Leon, 32, won the 2013 Gusher Marathon in Beaumont, Texas on Saturday despite the fact that he has terminal brain cancer. He ran the entire race while pushing his 6-year-old daughter Kiana in a stroller, winning with a time of in 3:07:36. That’s…
Mar 24, 2013, 3:38 PM EDT
Honestly, I didn’t think that a statue of a horned frog would scare me but the latest edition to the TCU football stadium might cause me to look under my bed for the next couple of days. On Saturday, TCU unveiled the newest edition to Amon G. Carter Stadium as a bronzed horned frog will…
Mar 24, 2013, 10:55 AM EDT
There might not be a individual in sports known for his wacky fashion sense than Turner Sports sideline reporter Craig Sager. Over the years, Craig has provided the world and a bunch of NBA players cannon-fodder for his strange color combinations and for those of you who think that Craig just wears those zany outfits…
Mar 24, 2013, 8:33 AM EDT
At almost every college/professional basketball game these days, one lucky fan is brought out onto the court to win some sort of cash or prize by making a number of shots or a half-court shot. For most, the pressure is pretty high but for one Serbian basketball fan attending an Adriatic League basketball game between KK Igokea…
Mar 23, 2013, 1:45 PM EDT
After playing together for Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, it appears that Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips became fast friends with Boston Red Sox outfielder Shane Victorino. Back on Friday night, Phillips took to his Twitter account to show off a pair of size 6.5 Louboutin sneakers that he bought for…
Mar 23, 2013, 10:55 AM EDT
Over the last couple of years, it appears that college athletic programs have been trying to one up each other in trying to create the most creative-looking football field or basketball courts. Back on Wednesday, Florida International men’s basketball coach Richard Pitino revealed the latest possible crazy basketball court design on his Twitter account. The…
Mar 23, 2013, 10:09 AM EDT
Over in Atwood, IL, all systems are go for a fundraiser in which an AR-15 rifle — the same type used in two recent school massacres — will be raffled off to benefit the local youth baseball league. According to the people involved this is all perfectly kosher, and one lucky fan will be heavily…
Mar 23, 2013, 8:35 AM EDT
While it’s normal for soccer goalies to come up on corner kicks to create an extra attacker, it isn’t normal for them to take motorcycle rides back to their own goal. Sadly, there isn’t a whole lot of information about the below video except for the fact that it occurs during a soccer match on…
Mar 22, 2013, 6:46 PM EDT
Bigger gathering of villainy: the cantina in Mos Eisly spaceport, or Harvard University? The basketball team may be riding high right now, but things are not going so swell back on campus. This past August Harvard officials announced that 125 students were under investigation for allegedly cheating on a take-home test. And now, Harvard has…
Mar 22, 2013, 4:22 PM EDT
Don’t those dual hair parts kind of resemble devil horns? Isn’t his trash-talking style kind of evil? Is his shot selection from the pit of hell? Yes, yes and yes. Every good story needs an antagonist, and the NCAA Basketball Tournament has theirs in Mississippi guard Marshall Henderson. What we have here is not exactly…
Mar 21, 2013, 4:12 PM EDT
Anybody wondering what Andre the Giant would have been like as a college basketball player, look no further than Sim Bhullar — New Mexico State’s 7-foot-5, 360-pound freshman from Toronto. Bhullar, the tallest player in college basketball, has 85 blocked shots and led the WAC in field goal percentage at 63.2 percent. Hey, it’s not…
Mar 20, 2013, 3:45 PM EDT
This video proves once again that great champions are made to order, not born. The Allen Americans of the Central Hockey League, a Double-A affiliate of the Dallas Stars, had their Fourth Annual McDonald’s Night at Allen Event Center in Allen, TX, recently. This of course called for McDonald’s-themed uniforms (later auctioned for charity), but…
- So long folks, it’s time for me to take off 18
- Man wins full marathon while pushing his daughter in a baby stroller (video) 14
- Lock and load, it’s youth baseball fundraising time: league raffling off AR-15 rifle (video) 8
- Sim Bhullar is a large basketball player, and I mean it. Anybody want a peanut? 0
- What’s with kids and all these death-defying stunts? 674
- Nothing to see here…just a 70-yard field goal by a high-schooler (video) 3
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