Oct 13, 2011, 1:45 PM EDT
I won’t lie, it’s impossible for me to imagine Tim Tebow uttering John McClane’s signature line: “Yippee ki yay, mother******.” Perhaps they can rewrite it? “You underestimated me, fellows.” Or, “Despite your attempts to rig this skyscraper with explosives, Jesus still loves you.”
Nope, nope not working. So I’ll just take it on faith that Fox Filmed Entertainment CEO John Rothman knows what he’s doing. On Jim Rome’s radio show on Wednesday, Rothman brought up Tebow’s name while discussing the studio’s planned Die Hard sequel — in which Bruce Willis will again play John McClane, this time handing down his terror-bashing skills to his son. And that son may be Tebow. Yep.
“What do you think of Tebow in the lead?’’ Rothman asked Rome.
And Rome replied, “He might be too nice. But no one would work harder to make it work.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Who ate the last donut?” But you’re also thinking, “Tebow had better try acting, because he damn well can’t play football.” The Broncos, and God, apparently disagree, because they’ve set the table for him to be the starting quarterback in a way that’s leaving nothing to chance. At 1-4 in the AFC West, Denver is giving Tebow an 11-game tryout, beginning with the team that comes with its own laugh track, the 0-4 Miami Dolphins. The Lions and Raiders in weeks 8 and 9 may be more problematic, but for a first bout, you can’t do better than drawing Glass Joe.
Denver will use its bye this week getting Tebow ready for prime time, which means stripping down the playbook like a junkyard Chevy Impala. Tebow will have fewer programmed combinations than Noisy Boy, but hopefully for Denver fans the result will be different.
And if they do win, man, get ready for chaos. The resulting Tebow explosion will be awesome to behold (picture Helen Hunt driving through a tornado, yelling “Cow!”). I can’t think of another pro athlete who has been as polarizing as Tebow, despite the fact that he’s had practically no chance to prove himself. You either love him or you hate him — few are perched on the fence. And if he starts winning in Denver, the haters are going to be eaten whole.
Which brings me to this bit of greatness, found in my email box this morning. Courtesy of the Denver Post, it’s Desktop Tebow, a fun craft project to while away the indeterminable hours until kickoff. But who in their right mind would spend time on a weekday morning assembling a paper Tim Tebow for one’s desk? What a colossal waste of time. Um … what I mean to say is … here’s mine:
As you can see I had a little trouble with the arms (they’re supposed to be pointing down, at his hips), and I forgot his helmet. Kind of fitting, actually: Tebow’s critics have been pointing out the trouble with his mechanics for years. They say he’s rash, unpredictable, prone to throwing balls that resemble the Balloon Boy craft in flight.
But I can think of plenty of quarterbacks who have won without looking pretty. Football, we tend to forget, is a team game: today’s Aaron Rodgers is tomorrow’s Duante Culpepper. Remember when everyone, and by everyone I mean you, were writing obituaries for Alex Smith? He didn’t all of a sudden make a deal with Mr. Applegate after six years in the league, you know. So much depends on the system and the coach and the offensive line, and we always forget that. Because it’s easier to say “Player A sucks,” rather than break down the reasons why. Frankly, you sicken me. Begone with you.
Just kidding. Let’s stay right here and get ready for Tebow Nation, v. 2.0. If his rollout the Sunday after next is a success, there will be a paper Tebow on every desktop, and we’ll pray to it in the mornings and lay it gently on our pillows each night, covering it with tiny knitted comforters. But look out for the cat … oh no! Tiny paper desktop Tebow! …
Yep, it’s almost Tebow time. Yippee ki yay, um, fellows.
Rick’s Cafe Americain appears each Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.
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