Rick’s Cafe: The ten best Simpsons sports episodes ever

There’s a looming work stoppage over at Fox, in case you hadn’t heard: the network is threatening to cancel The Simpsons if the main voice actors don’t take hefty pay cuts. (UPDATE: Looks like it’s official). Coming on the heels of the news that The Simpsons has generated more than $1 billion for the network over the years, this reminds me of when the Springfield Nuclear Plant workers went on strike to get back their dental plan. Mr. Burns refused to budge, remembering “simpler times in which disgruntled workers were simply walled up in coke ovens.”

If they don’t work this out, we’ll be losing a series that, although not currently as relevant as in its heyday in the 1990s, is still a big part of the American landscape. The Simpsons is a national monument, and when they finally tear it down, several basketballs, footballs, baseballs and hockey pucks will spill out. The series depended a lot on sports themes, the writers realizing that sports perfectly represents who we are.

And no prime time television show did that better. Other shows made us feel like onlookers when it came to sports, but The Simpsons writers had a unique perspective. They just understood. When Homer reveals, for instance, that his dream was to one day own the Dallas Cowboys, a wealthy entrepreneur buys him an NFL franchise, and the players assemble on Homer’s front lawn. HOMER: “The Denver Broncos? Awww.” MARGE: “I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.” HOMER: “Marge, you just don’t understand sports.”

One show I’d put in their league is Seinfeld — the Keith Hernandez episodes especially — but The Simpsons has them beat by pure volume alone. And so, losing it will be like losing an old friend with whom you could talk about your favorite team, or complain about the Springfield Isoptoes’ starting rotation. One of my favorite TV moments ever is when Lisa taunts Darryl Strawberry from the stands with the infamous chant of “Darrrryyyyyyyyylll!” And then in a closeup, we see a tear running down Strawberry’s cheek.

That will be how I feel if they cancel The Simpsons. So if worse comes to worse, I think it would be a fitting tribute to present a list of the top Simpsons sports-related episodes. Yours may vary. But I will not change my mind. I am the king! I am invincible! No one can stop … OW! (Gets hit in head with empty beer keg).

10. Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire. (Dec. 17, 1989). At Springfield Downs, Homer takes all the money he made as a department store Santa and bets it on a 99-1 longshot in the dog race, Santa’s Little Helper. The dog barely limps into last place, and is abandoned by its owner. But Bart wants to keep him. HOMER: “But he’s a loser! He’s pathetic. … He’s a Simpson.”

9. The Homer They Fall. (Nov. 10, 1996). Homer is told he has a rare brain condition in which he has extra fluid in his cranium, meaning he can’t be knocked out. So of course Moe Szyslak becomes his manager and they embark on a boxing career. Episode includes a montage of Homer boxing various hobos to the theme of Raging Bull. Homer eventually earns a showdown with the heavyweight champion, Drederick Tatum (a thinly-disguised Mike Tyson), who almost destroys Homer before Moe rescues him with a rickety flying device. DREDERICK: “Homer is a good man, but I’m definitely going make orphans of his children.”

8. Alone Again, Natura-Diddily. (Feb. 13, 2000). Cheerleaders are shooting t-shirts into the crowd at the Springfield Motor Speedway, and Homer demands one, making a target on his chest with ketchup. The cheerleaders unload a barrage of shirts at him, but Homer bends over to pick up something, and the t-shirts hit Maude Flanders, killing her. MAUDE: “Neddy, I’ve had about all I can take of Homer Simpson’s torso. I’ll get some hot dogs.” NED: “No foot-longs!” MAUDE: “I know, they make you uncomfortable.”

7. Dead Putting Society. (Nov. 15, 1990). Homer and Ned Flanders make a bet: Their sons are entered in a miniature golf tournament, and the father of the loser has to mow the other’s lawn in a dress. Lisa offers to help Bart practice by using meditation, which doesn’t go well. The match ends in a draw, and both men have to mow the lawn. LISA: “Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I’m not sure how they’re supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you.”

6. Lisa the Greek. (Jan. 23, 1992). A desperate Homer turns to Lisa to help him pick the winner of the Dolphins-Patriots game, and Lisa comes through successfully. So Homer declares every Sunday Daddy-Daughter Day. Heartbroken after discovering all the attention was just due to her touting abilities, Lisa refuses to talk to Homer. Finally she tells him that if Washington wins the Super Bowl, she still loves him. If Buffalo wins, she doesn’t. The Redskins win. (The writers successfully predicted the outcome, it should be noted). LISA: “The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my daddy’s knee when the Saints, who were 4½ point favorites, but only up by 3, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second to cover the spread. MS. HOOVER: “Dear God!”

5. Bart Star. (Nov. 9, 1997). Bodybuilding celebrity Rainier Wolfcastle declares the children of Springfield too fat, so the parents enroll them in pee wee football. Homer, the coach, makes Bart the starting quarterback, for which he is woefully unsuited. While praying for a miracle to make him better, Bart sees Joe Namath’s car break down in front of his house. But before Namath can give him any advice, his wife fixes the car and he leaves. Includes a cameo appearance by the cast of King of the Hill, with voice work by Mike Judge. HANK HILL: “We drove 2,000 miles for this?”

4. A Star is Burns. (March 5, 1995). Springfield holds a film festival, and Jay Sherman (The Critic character voiced by Jon Lovitz) is a judge. Hans Moleman’s entry, Man Getting Hit by Football, features Moleman getting hit in the groin by a football. It doesn’t win, but is later made into a feature film starring George C. Scott. HOMER: “Barney’s movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.”

3. Dancin’ Homer. (Nov. 8, 1990). At “Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night” at the Springfield Isotopes baseball game, Homer fires up the crowd with his cheerleading antics and is offered a job as Dancin’ Homer, team mascot. The Isotopes go on a winning streak and Homer is promoted to the majors, where he fills in for Capital City’s mascot, the Capital City Goofball. But it doesn’t go well and Homer is booed off the field. This is the first episode to have a guest star appear as himself: Tony Bennett. FAN: “Booo! Those cornball antics may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City!”

2. Bart the Daredevil. (Dec. 6, 1990). The Simpsons go to a monster truck rally (featuring the terrifying Truck-o-saurus), causing Bart to want to become a daredevil. He decides to jump Springfield Gorge on his skateboard, which all the town’s kids come to see. Rushing to save his son, Homer somehow steps onto the skateboard and rolls over the edge … falling onto the rocks below where he is terribly injured. LISA: “Bart, are you all right?” BART: “Better than all right! I got stitches!”

1. Homer at the Bat. (Feb. 20, 1992). In order to win a bet with a rival manager, Mr. Burns conspires to replace his Springfield Nuclear Plant softball team roster with pro players. But his choices, Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai Brown, Gabby Street, Pie Traynor, Harry Hooper, Nap Lajoie, Joe Jackson, and Jim Creighton, are all dead. So Mr. Burns settles for Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs, Ken Griffey, Jr., Steve Sax, Ozzie Smith, Jose Canseco, Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry and Mike Scioscia. This is to the dismay of the regular plant workers, including Homer, who got the team to the championship game in the first place. But eight of the nine ringers are sidelined due to weird misfortunes (Boggs is knocked unconscious by Barney at Moe’s Tavern during an argument over who is the greatest British prime minister of all time, Pitt the Elder or Lord Palmerston.) In the bottom of the ninth with the score tied and the bases loaded, Burns decides to pinch-hit for Strawberry, and elects to use Homer, who is hit in the head by the pitch and knocked unconscious, driving in the winning run. Still unconscious, he is paraded across the field by the team in a victory celebration. MR. BURNS: “All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you’re all I’ve got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!”

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Rick’s Cafe Americain appears each Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.