Crazy things are happening in the Washington Nationals’ Presidents Race, and the reason is Jayson Werth
Sep 26, 2011, 2:15 PM EDT
Jayson Werth may be having a mediocre season where baseballs are involved, but when you throw in his highlights from between innings presidential mascot races, he’s been absolutely electric. Teddy Roosevelt has run 441 Nationals President Races in his career, and every single race has ended with his defeat, which has been studiously documented by the blog “Let Teddy Win“. There’s a conspiracy going on to destroy Roosevelt’s athletic reputation and there’s only one man who is willing to stand up for injustice: right fielder Jayson Werth, who said in a postgame interview, “I must be the last remaining member of the Bull Moose party, I guess.”
His quest for Teddy to finally feel the taste of sweet sweet victory started Friday night, when he jumped out of the right field shadows to give Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson a few quality shoves with the help of a four members of the Nationals’ bullpen so Teddy could easily coast to victory. Unfortunately for the conspirators, they missed an opportunity to get a good slam on Thomas Jefferson, who cruised to an easy win while Teddy panted in at a disappointing second place. Never forget Thomas Jefferson.
The quest continued Saturday, when Jayson Werth decided to take a more physical approach by trading in his light shoving for full fledged tackling as he quietly strolled out to his perch in right field accompanied by his thug Rick Ankiel only to jump out like a member of Teddy Roosevelt’s secret service detail to start assaulting Thomas Jefferson, who had attempted to avoid the bullpen’s attack by cutting across the field incognito. Unfortunately for Werth’s campaign to help Teddy win, Teddy eschewed the running to tangle with Abraham Lincoln himself and ended up with a face full of Nationals Park outfield dirt and another loss under his belt. I guess he doesn’t understand ‘strategy’, or is just a perpetual self sabotager. As the MLB allotted time for weird mascot races dried up, a security guard quickly ushered all of the tormented mascots off the field to the distressed looks of a confused George Washington, who saw that blue tape and thought it was his destiny, leaving the finish line with no winner. Quickly realizing this, Werth took matters into his own hands and won the tape himself. Basically, when Teddy failed Werth decided the next best option for America was Jayson Werth. The crowd went wild.
Here’s a fan video that caught Werth’s victory in all its glory:
When reached for comment, Werth had this to say about his attempts at a Rough Riders revolution,“I can’t really comment. When you stage a coup, it’s better to keep it quiet.” Looks like someone was hushed up.
The President Race saga ended on Sunday, the last home game for the Nationals. When reached for comment before the game, Werth stated, “It’s bigger than me, man. It’s bigger than me,” he said, shaking his head. “I gave it my best shot.” Looks like the Nationals’ events department is pretty intimidating.
Not great news for those who finally wanted to see Teddy take a win. And just like he premonitioned, Werth’s hi-jinx was replaced by “That Cat”, who proceeded to assault every President in his path not named Jefferson with vicious tackles as the Nationals’ baby bird mascot Screech came flying in to beat Abraham Lincoln over the head with a handbag. BOOOOOOO! WE WANT WERTH!\\
As added protection against another right field revolt, the Nats moved the finish line to the third base side. After Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt began their usual route, Jefferson came out and bolted the other way towards left field and the new finish line.
As That Cat took down Tom, Abe, and Teddy in succession, Thomas Jefferson cruised across the tape uncontested.
Tom’s victory moved him into an improbable and first-ever season-ending tie with Abe Lincoln for the 2011 presidents race crown. If not for Werth’s antics on Saturday, Jefferson would have had the opportunity to win the title outright.
Teddy, there’s always next year. Maybe you should bring your horse. Or a will to win.
Video evidence that Jayson Werth acted alone [Let Teddy Win]
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