Rick’s Cafe: Why we shouldn’t really want a Pacquiao-Mayweather fight

When I was in the sixth grade, 60 percent the square footage of our classroom was taken up by only two pupils: Gary and Russell. They were enormous children, land masses wearing pants. It was said that when they went swimming, each had his own continental drift. Both were more than 6 feet tall and probably topped 200 pounds, and Russell, it was said, lived atop a beanstalk. But they were mild children, responsible for no campus unrest that I was aware of — although they did force the beleaguered cafeteria lady into early retirement.

They were both pituitary cases, somewhat uncoordinated and of course stars of our class flag football team. They played offensive line, and whoever had the ball simply followed them into the end zone like a Shetland pony trailing two circus elephants. Of course being kids, we all wondered who would win if they ever fought.

My friend Ronnie would not let this go, at one point even stealing Gary’s lunch and placing it in Russell’s cubbyhole to try and get something started. Nothing ever worked, though, and the two human totems remained good friends. And it wasn’t until years later that I realized the rest of us weren’t really in love with a Gary vs. Russell fight … we were just in love with the idea of it. It occupied our thoughts and tantalized our imaginations like no real fight between the two ever could. This was proven four years later when both went out for freshman football, and quit on the first day. Gary and a bad asthma attack and Russell, experiencing contact for the first time (without pads, mind you), fled the field crying.

Yeah, that fight would have been a huge letdown. The countless battles they had in our imaginations — some involving tree branches and other makeshift weapons — served us much better.

Likewise, in two years of scribbling this blog, I’ve noticed that nothing inflames reader passion more than the thought of a Floyd Mayweather-Manny Pacquiao fight. At one point deemed a certainty, this potential matchup was slowly downgraded to elusive, then endangered, and finally, like the Texas freshwater mussel, extinct. The logjam centers around drug testing, as you know. Mayweather is afraid that Manny is juicing, and wants him tested before they fight to create “a level playing field.” Manny’s fans contend that Mayweather is chicken (and need little prompting to make chicken noises to emphasize their point). But all that has done is increase interest, making this possibly the biggest fight ever not to happen.

Just look at the intangibles. Having one of the fighters own a glossy 41-0 record doesn’t hurt. Neither does Pacquiao’s lifestyle, which includes election to the Philippine Senate and a nascent singing career. Mayweather’s many court battles and shiny jewelry add more flavor to the stew. Boxing fans can’t get enough.

Promoter Bob Arum is now saying that all obstacles are gone and the superbout will probably happen, once the two (presumably) dispose of their upcoming opponents — Mayweather vs. Victor Ortiz on Sept. 17, and Pacquiao vs. Juan Manuel Marquez on Nov, 12. Pacquiao has now said that he will agree to random drug testing, and Mayweather has replied that if he does, the fight is on.

In fact, the Mayweather’s quote in the Los Angeles Times went like this:

“Absolutely. Write that word down 10 times in a row. I absolutely want the fight.”

I know that we do. But should we? Here are a few reasons it might be better if this bout remained in the realm of possibility rather than reality:

• Mayweather will avoid him. If you accept the premise that the only reason Mayweather is agreeing to this fight is because he’s either a.) broke or b.) protecting his reputation, then it makes no sense for him to wade in and mix it up with Pacquiao. Floyd has perfected the art of avoiding PacMan outside of the ring, so why change within it? He’ll dance and dodge and keep his distance … believing that the worst thing that could happen is not losing the fight, but losing by knockout. No way he lets that happen. This fight has the makings of a very dull affair.

• What if Pacquiao really was on steroids — juiced for all his recent wins? Under that premise, if he fights under the Mayweather camp’s Olympic-style testing conditions, he’ll have to do it naturally — which would be like the Hulk becoming Bruce Banner before taking on the National Guard. No one wants to see that slaughter.

• Floyd Mayweather Sr. No matter what you think of Mayweather Jr., the dad is insufferable. Five months of Mayweather Sr. in the news leading up to this fight? Um, no thanks.

• The loser’s going to come up with a mysterious injury. We’re just past the 14th anniversary of the match race between sprinters Michael Johnson and Donovan Bailey in 1997 at Toronto’s Skydome, which was supposed to determine the world’s fastest human once and for all. As you recall from your reading, Bailey pulled ahead, and Johnson pulled a hamstring (so he said), and never finished the race. If Mayweather loses, how long before he claims there was a strange substance in his water bottle? If Manny loses, will he plead stomach muscle cramps? No mas!

Look, it’s all academic anyway — I don’t think this fight is going to happen. In case you’ve forgotten, Pacquiao was unamused that Mayweather said he uses steroids, and is suing him for defamation. This lawsuit was filed in 2009 … and they can’t even get Mayweather to agree to a date to sit down for a deposition. His camp said he’s too busy — although on one of the proposed dates, in July, Mayweather was photographed partying at a club and burning a $100 bill.

A Pacquiao-Mayweather showdown is like Superman fighting Jesus — fun to think about, but probably not going to happen (according to Vatican sources). Trust me, it’s for the best. Like your first date or a Jessica Simpson concert, these things are far more fun to conceptualize than to actually experience.

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Rick’s Cafe Americain appears on Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.