Jul 21, 2011, 2:48 PM EDT
As I sit at my computer, eating Lorna Doone cookies and staring out the window, my thoughts turn to Steve Williams. Is Tiger Woods’ ex-caddie, as Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal tweeted, driving around New Zealand, sobbing, cranking Alanis Morrissette’s You Oughta Know? His court martial and deportation from Fort Woods had to be a shock: Not only was Williams responsible for handing Tiger his irons, he also most certainly has privileged information on his niblick.
To say that Steve Williams knows where the bodies are buried is the official Nike Understatement of the Day©. And by bodies I mean the kind that are still breathing, have sexy curves and are probably by now resistant to most forms of penicillin. And what will he now do with that information? Hint: When Williams got the news that he was being sent packing by Tiger, the first thing he did was an interview with Mediaworks, a CNN affiliate. And one of the first things he said was this:
“First of all, the person has to gain your respect, and that’s something that I feel Tiger has to work hard on,” said Williams, while confirming he will choose his words carefully when he comes to tell his side of golf’s most famous modern partnership.
“You know, when I write my book, it’ll be the time I decide what I write,” Williams said. “It’ll just be one of those interesting chapters in the book.”
Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself. ‘Steve Williams is writing a book? So what? I’ll never buy trash like that.’ Cut to two months from now, as the book is released. You are filmed at a local Barnes & Noble trampling children, shoving the elderly and knocking over a man with an oxygen tank to obtain the last available copy. You’re in the middle of chapter one even as you’re being hauled off to jail by two burly policemen. Yes, it’s three months in lockup, but it’s a gentle three months, because you have the Steve Williams tell-all book on Tiger Woods to keep you company. And if you managed to buy two copies, you could trade one for cigarettes and porn.
Here’s where Tiger made his mistake. As any politician, king or third-world warlord will tell you, there’s only two ways to get rid of someone who knows your secrets. You buy their silence, or you get rid of them. And because Tiger’s not Idi Amin, he should have paid the man, just as he did with Rachel Uchitel and Joslyn James and all the other women he’s cheated with. He should have written a very big check. Evidently he didn’t do that with Williams, or if he did, it was one of those big novelty checks like when you win the Masters, and it bounced.
Williams was unhappy to have been dropped by Woods and felt the decision was scant reward for his loyal service.
“I’ve stuck by him through and through,” Williams told 3 News. “Now he decides things aren’t going well for him, and I’m down the road, so the timing’s very disappointing.”
But Williams will get his payday. At least two Tiger paramours have said that Williams was aware of his boss’s affairs when they were happening, although Williams has denied this in the past. Now? There’s no reason to keep quiet, is there?
And that goes for the women as well, because once Williams writes a book, the floodgates are going to open. Because a Williams book is going to make tattling on Tiger legitimate. We’re about to enter a glorious golden age of Tiger Woods tell-all books. Let’s look at some of the others who are probably busily typing as we speak.
Rachel Uchitel. According to TMZ, Rachel returned the $10 million she received from Tiger’s lawyers in 2009 in a gag order agreement. Now some say that could be worth millions to Uchitel if she either writes a book, or sells her story in a series of interviews. She’s Tiger Mistress No. 1, after all, and so has the best claim to the literary throne. Plus, she’s reportedly also slept with Jamie Dingman, who is the new boyfriend of:
Elin Nordegren. It’s somewhat unlikely that Elin would ever commit to paper details of her relationship with Tiger. She has a reported $100 million divorce settlement, the aforementioned billionaire boyfriend, and their kids to think about. But if details in other books make her look bad, she may just want to set the record straight.
Loredana Jolie. The 27-year-old “Bronx-born escort” has already written a tell-all book about her hookup with Woods, which came out last year. Jolie’s ex-publicist, however, says that she never actually had a sexual relationship with Woods, and that the book is a lie. Bet that sales will rekindle, though, if Williams and/or Uchitel do a book.
Joslyn James. There have to be stray text messages we haven’t yet seen. If not — and assuming James can write more than 140 characters at a time — she could work up a book on the stuff that wasn’t covered in the texts.
Tiger Woods fiction. With all these new details about to come out, we could soon have more fictional accounts of the Tiger sex scandal than we have nonfiction biographies of Abraham Lincoln. Insert your “old railsplitter” joke here and move on, please.
Security guards, etc.. Surely the people who surround Tiger on a regular basis: bouncers, chauffeurs, maids, pool boys, etc., have seen some dirt regarding he and his ladies. Security guards don’t make that much. Book authors with salacious subjects do.
The fire hydrant. “It was a cool, crisp night, and I was enjoying the evening and looking at the stars. Suddenly, I heard a screech of tires, and then a loud shriek from nearby. My friend, tree, screamed ‘I’M HIT!’ and then before I knew it, I saw an Escalade bearing down on me. There seemed to be no escape. ‘No!’ I cried, as I spied a man at the wheel, wild-eyed and panicky, wearing a fashionable golf shirt. Then the world turned dark …”
Rick’s Cafe Americain appears on Thursdays. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.
Mar 31, 2013, 10:37 AM EDT
Since this will be the final post in the history of Off The Bench, I feel that this post can’t just be a simple post about an NFL player buying segways for his teammates or an improbable buzzer beater from a high school basketball game. I’d like to echo the sentiments that Rick featured in…
Mar 31, 2013, 7:13 AM EDT
As Opening Day of Major League Baseball is just around the corner, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels will be getting the starting nod against the Atlanta Braves. If you have been following the Phillies during spring training, you might have noticed that Hamels has been growing a rather impressive mustache. Below are just some photos…
Mar 30, 2013, 12:16 PM EDT
Back in 2012, Vanderbilt University’s baseball team pulled off a successful triple steal in a game against Florida in the SEC Tournament. Earlier this week, Vanderbilt pulled off that rare feat again in a non-conference game against Lipscomb University. With runners on first and second, Commodore manager Tim Corbin called for the steal and before…
Mar 30, 2013, 9:04 AM EDT
Back on Tuesday, the United States men’s soccer team traveled to Azteca Stadium to face Mexico in a World Cup Qualifying match. After the match ended in a draw, a group of happy United States fans celebrated the 0-0 score in the upper deck of the Azteca. As chants of USA got louder and louder,…
Mar 28, 2013, 8:00 AM EDT
In case you haven’t heard, Easter Sunday is the final day of Off the Bench: this blog will cease operations as of 11:59 p.m. on that date. So the day after March 31, there will be no new posts on this blog. The timing is fine: I see no reason people would wake the next…
Mar 27, 2013, 3:19 PM EDT
So the Miami Heat have won 27 straight, and have an excellent chance of breaking the NBA record for consecutive wins, 33, set by the 1971-72 Los Angeles Lakers. Here’s a pretty good breakdown comparing the two teams. But if you’re like me, it’s not enough to know that Thor and Hercules were both very…
Mar 26, 2013, 2:35 PM EDT
Life as a lesser Belushi can be frustrating at times, I’d imagine: even though you occasionally get to be in films like Trading Places and be married to Courtney Thorne-Smith. Also you get to participate in Shoot-the-Puck contests at Chicago Blackhawks games. Jim Belushi was born in Chicago, so I sure hope he makes this…
Mar 25, 2013, 5:39 PM EDT
If you’re a fan of vintage tennis posters — or, you know, hot chicks — the you may be familiar with ‘Tennis Girl’. That’s the photo of 18-year-old Fiona Butler showing her mostly bare backside, shot by her boyfriend, Martin Elliott, and made into an iconic, best-selling poster in the 1970s. Lauren Davis of the…
Mar 25, 2013, 9:00 AM EDT
But that’s not even the most incredible part of this story. Iram Leon, 32, won the 2013 Gusher Marathon in Beaumont, Texas on Saturday despite the fact that he has terminal brain cancer. He ran the entire race while pushing his 6-year-old daughter Kiana in a stroller, winning with a time of in 3:07:36. That’s…
Mar 24, 2013, 3:38 PM EDT
Honestly, I didn’t think that a statue of a horned frog would scare me but the latest edition to the TCU football stadium might cause me to look under my bed for the next couple of days. On Saturday, TCU unveiled the newest edition to Amon G. Carter Stadium as a bronzed horned frog will…
Mar 24, 2013, 10:55 AM EDT
There might not be a individual in sports known for his wacky fashion sense than Turner Sports sideline reporter Craig Sager. Over the years, Craig has provided the world and a bunch of NBA players cannon-fodder for his strange color combinations and for those of you who think that Craig just wears those zany outfits…
Mar 24, 2013, 8:33 AM EDT
At almost every college/professional basketball game these days, one lucky fan is brought out onto the court to win some sort of cash or prize by making a number of shots or a half-court shot. For most, the pressure is pretty high but for one Serbian basketball fan attending an Adriatic League basketball game between KK Igokea…
Mar 23, 2013, 1:45 PM EDT
After playing together for Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, it appears that Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips became fast friends with Boston Red Sox outfielder Shane Victorino. Back on Friday night, Phillips took to his Twitter account to show off a pair of size 6.5 Louboutin sneakers that he bought for…
Mar 23, 2013, 10:55 AM EDT
Over the last couple of years, it appears that college athletic programs have been trying to one up each other in trying to create the most creative-looking football field or basketball courts. Back on Wednesday, Florida International men’s basketball coach Richard Pitino revealed the latest possible crazy basketball court design on his Twitter account. The…
Mar 23, 2013, 10:09 AM EDT
Over in Atwood, IL, all systems are go for a fundraiser in which an AR-15 rifle — the same type used in two recent school massacres — will be raffled off to benefit the local youth baseball league. According to the people involved this is all perfectly kosher, and one lucky fan will be heavily…
Mar 23, 2013, 8:35 AM EDT
While it’s normal for soccer goalies to come up on corner kicks to create an extra attacker, it isn’t normal for them to take motorcycle rides back to their own goal. Sadly, there isn’t a whole lot of information about the below video except for the fact that it occurs during a soccer match on…
Mar 22, 2013, 6:46 PM EDT
Bigger gathering of villainy: the cantina in Mos Eisly spaceport, or Harvard University? The basketball team may be riding high right now, but things are not going so swell back on campus. This past August Harvard officials announced that 125 students were under investigation for allegedly cheating on a take-home test. And now, Harvard has…
Mar 22, 2013, 4:22 PM EDT
Don’t those dual hair parts kind of resemble devil horns? Isn’t his trash-talking style kind of evil? Is his shot selection from the pit of hell? Yes, yes and yes. Every good story needs an antagonist, and the NCAA Basketball Tournament has theirs in Mississippi guard Marshall Henderson. What we have here is not exactly…
Mar 21, 2013, 4:12 PM EDT
Anybody wondering what Andre the Giant would have been like as a college basketball player, look no further than Sim Bhullar — New Mexico State’s 7-foot-5, 360-pound freshman from Toronto. Bhullar, the tallest player in college basketball, has 85 blocked shots and led the WAC in field goal percentage at 63.2 percent. Hey, it’s not…
Mar 20, 2013, 3:45 PM EDT
This video proves once again that great champions are made to order, not born. The Allen Americans of the Central Hockey League, a Double-A affiliate of the Dallas Stars, had their Fourth Annual McDonald’s Night at Allen Event Center in Allen, TX, recently. This of course called for McDonald’s-themed uniforms (later auctioned for charity), but…
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