Rick’s Cafe: We are about to enter a glorious age of Tiger Woods tell-all books

As I sit at my computer, eating Lorna Doone cookies and staring out the window, my thoughts turn to Steve Williams. Is Tiger Woods’ ex-caddie, as Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal tweeted, driving around New Zealand, sobbing, cranking Alanis Morrissette’s You Oughta Know? His court martial and deportation from Fort Woods had to be a shock: Not only was Williams responsible for handing Tiger his irons, he also most certainly has privileged information on his niblick.

To say that Steve Williams knows where the bodies are buried is the official Nike Understatement of the Day©. And by bodies I mean the kind that are still breathing, have sexy curves and are probably by now resistant to most forms of penicillin. And what will he now do with that information? Hint: When Williams got the news that he was being sent packing by Tiger, the first thing he did was an interview with Mediaworks, a CNN affiliate. And one of the first things he said was this:

“First of all, the person has to gain your respect, and that’s something that I feel Tiger has to work hard on,” said Williams, while confirming he will choose his words carefully when he comes to tell his side of golf’s most famous modern partnership.

“You know, when I write my book, it’ll be the time I decide what I write,” Williams said. “It’ll just be one of those interesting chapters in the book.”

Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself. ‘Steve Williams is writing a book? So what? I’ll never buy trash like that.’ Cut to two months from now, as the book is released. You are filmed at a local Barnes & Noble trampling children, shoving the elderly and knocking over a man with an oxygen tank to obtain the last available copy. You’re in the middle of chapter one even as you’re being hauled off to jail by two burly policemen. Yes, it’s three months in lockup, but it’s a gentle three months, because you have the Steve Williams tell-all book on Tiger Woods to keep you company. And if you managed to buy two copies, you could trade one for cigarettes and porn.

Here’s where Tiger made his mistake. As any politician, king or third-world warlord will tell you, there’s only two ways to get rid of someone who knows your secrets. You buy their silence, or you get rid of them. And because Tiger’s not Idi Amin, he should have paid the man, just as he did with Rachel Uchitel and Joslyn James and all the other women he’s cheated with. He should have written a very big check. Evidently he didn’t do that with Williams, or if he did, it was one of those big novelty checks like when you win the Masters, and it bounced.

Williams was unhappy to have been dropped by Woods and felt the decision was scant reward for his loyal service.

“I’ve stuck by him through and through,” Williams told 3 News. “Now he decides things aren’t going well for him, and I’m down the road, so the timing’s very disappointing.”

But Williams will get his payday. At least two Tiger paramours have said that Williams was aware of his boss’s affairs when they were happening, although Williams has denied this in the past. Now? There’s no reason to keep quiet, is there?

And that goes for the women as well, because once Williams writes a book, the floodgates are going to open. Because a Williams book is going to make tattling on Tiger legitimate. We’re about to enter a glorious golden age of Tiger Woods tell-all books. Let’s look at some of the others who are probably busily typing as we speak.

Rachel Uchitel. According to TMZ, Rachel returned the $10 million she received from Tiger’s lawyers in 2009 in a gag order agreement. Now some say that could be worth millions to Uchitel if she either writes a book, or sells her story in a series of interviews. She’s Tiger Mistress No. 1, after all, and so has the best claim to the literary throne. Plus, she’s reportedly also slept with Jamie Dingman, who is the new boyfriend of:

Elin Nordegren. It’s somewhat unlikely that Elin would ever commit to paper details of her relationship with Tiger. She has a reported $100 million divorce settlement, the aforementioned billionaire boyfriend, and their kids to think about. But if details in other books make her look bad, she may just want to set the record straight.

Loredana Jolie. The 27-year-old “Bronx-born escort” has already written a tell-all book about her hookup with Woods, which came out last year. Jolie’s ex-publicist, however, says that she never actually had a sexual relationship with Woods, and that the book is a lie. Bet that sales will rekindle, though, if Williams and/or Uchitel do a book.

Joslyn James. There have to be stray text messages we haven’t yet seen. If not — and assuming James can write more than 140 characters at a time — she could work up a book on the stuff that wasn’t covered in the texts.

Tiger Woods fiction. With all these new details about to come out, we could soon have more fictional accounts of the Tiger sex scandal than we have nonfiction biographies of Abraham Lincoln. Insert your “old railsplitter” joke here and move on, please.

Security guards, etc.. Surely the people who surround Tiger on a regular basis: bouncers, chauffeurs, maids, pool boys, etc., have seen some dirt regarding he and his ladies. Security guards don’t make that much. Book authors with salacious subjects do.

The fire hydrant. “It was a cool, crisp night, and I was enjoying the evening and looking at the stars. Suddenly, I heard a screech of tires, and then a loud shriek from nearby. My friend, tree, screamed ‘I’M HIT!’ and then before I knew it, I saw an Escalade bearing down on me. There seemed to be no escape. ‘No!’ I cried, as I spied a man at the wheel, wild-eyed and panicky, wearing a fashionable golf shirt. Then the world turned dark …”

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Rick’s Cafe Americain appears on Thursdays. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.