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Role Call: Meet your idiot Vancouver rioters, most of whom are still probably drunk

Jun 19, 2011, 1:18 PM EDT

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The one major drawback to the digital age? It’s a lot harder to get away with good ol’ anonymous mob violence. Wait, that’s not a drawback at all. Technology rules.

In the now famous riots in Vancouver that occurred after the Canucks blew home ice in Game 7 of the Cup Finals, hordes of idiots took it upon themselves to smash storefront windows, loot, fight, and set vehicles on fire, because…well, there’s really no logical reason for it all. That’s why they’re a horde of idiots. Luckily, there was also other, law-abiding citizens and journalists on hand to record and document a lot of these crimes, and in the process capture the faces of the previously nameless instigators.

“Previously” nameless thanks to the folks at VancouverRiot.com, who are crowd-sourcing the identities of the idiots (there’s a theme, here) caught in the act either on camera or in video, so as to assist local authorities in the daunting task of rounding up these ne’er-do-wells and dishing out some Canadian justice. Let’s take a look.

Name: Tim Kwong [pictured above]

Offense: After being outed on the website as “the guy who lit the first vehicle on fire,” the 29-year-old Kwong turned himself in to the VPD and is now facing 4 charges.

Worth noting: In a rambling, oft-[sic]ed  “Letter of Appoligy,” Kwong offered the following mea culpa:

I am Truly Sorry for what i have done !!! I have no excuse for my actions during the Riot. To my Friends, Family, Coworkers, and of course all of Vancouver and BC i am SORRY for what i have done. I would like to say on my behalf that I LOVE VANCOUVER ! I’ve been Born n Raised here all my life !! and that This Town means everything to me !!!

I, too, enjoy setting fire to the things that mean the most to me. Of course, I’m a psychopath.

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Name: Dominique Larocque

Offense: Looting, general antagonism, poor choices in dating

Worth noting: What exactly did Ms. Larocque [pictured right with her idiot partner-in-crime/shirtless boyfriend] take off with? Two brand new Coach bags, worth over $500. Because, let’s face it, if you’re going to loot and steal, you need to loot and steal in style. Consider yourself lucky this time, Louis Vuitton.

The wonder couple can also be seen starting a fight and then later flagrantly smoking pot on the train, but considering it’s Vancouver I believe the latter is less a crime than a cultural rite-of-passage.

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Name: Nathan Kotylak

Offense: Lighting a cop car on fire, throwing away a promising water polo career

Worth Noting: Already featured for his crying apology, which was clearly his own idea and not compelled by his father or anything, the thing worth noting about this 17-year-old national water polo player [pictured hilariously at the right] is well, his crying apology. Man up, kid. Those tears aren’t going to get you very far in prison. Neither are your water polo skills.

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Name: Brydon Harker [wannabe ninja pictured to the right]

Offense: Vandalism, destruction of property, inability to spot a camera, being named “Brydon”

Worth noting: Dude, when you see a person with a camera standing behind you, that is NOT a good time to try to flying dropkick your way into a Budget Rent-a-Car. You may not be aware, but cameras have this amazing ability to replicate your face in a photograph, which can in turn, you know, be used to implicate you in the crime you just committed.

It seems young Mr. Harker was outed on Facebook by a potential classmate, and took to the comments section on to play the oldest trick in the book and apologize, without actually ever, well, apologizing.

it was already broken i swear, and it was a drunk mistake. please don’t judge me.

Ah, the “it was already broken defense.” This guy is a pro.

Sorry kid, but in the real world, people judge you for your drunken mistakes. How do you think Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts?

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There are more idiots awaiting your scorn and derision at VancouverRiot.com, and who knows, you maybe even be able to identify a few of the not-yet-named and help dissuade any future groups of idiots from committing similar atrocities in their own cities when such a terrible, awful, chaos inducing thing happens as the home team losing an ice hockey championship.

The Internet is watching you, idiots.

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Identified [Vancouver Riot]

  1. trbowman - Jun 19, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    “being named “Brydon””

    I laughed