Rick’s Cafe: Is this photo a metaphor for our times?

Think finding Bin Laden was tough? I don’t think we’re ever again going to see the Daughter-Dropping Dad (pictured), that Dodgers fan who became infamous for choosing a foul ball over his own flesh and blood on Monday. He’s currently hiding in the mountainous border region of San Bernardino and Los Angeles counties, living in a series of caves and denouncing George W. Bush (why Bush, I’m not sure). Has his daughter been removed from school to escape the piercing taunts of other children? “Your dad loves a baseball more than you.” “Hey Dropsie, how was your trip?” and, worst of all, “Your dad also dropped the ball?”

Is the photo above a metaphor for our times? That was the question, perhaps surprisingly, that more than one Twitter user had since the incident. One woman tweeted: “Grasping for the material while forgetting what’s important.” Heavy. But does she have a point?

If you haven’t yet seen the video, I have just two questions for you: to which South American jungle tribe do you belong, and how is it that you’re accessing a computer right now? Different versions of the video have amassed more than 3 million views so far, prompting a perfect storm of outrage, amusement and disgust. A man dropped his own daughter onto the seats below just to attempt to catch a foul ball at a baseball game. But before you judge, could that have been you? The odds say yes.

I’ve covered MLB as a beat writer, watched it since childhood, attended hundreds of games, and as Rutger Hauer said in Blade Runner, “I have seen things, you people wouldn’t believe …” I once saw a man catch a foul ball in a beer cup, and then be pummeled until he lost both the ball and the cup. I saw a 20-something male push aside a woman in a wheelchair for a ball. I’ve seen home-run-ball mayhem in the left-field bleacher area of Candlestick Park that can only be described as a cross between Lord of the Flies and True Blood. What people will do for a regulation MLB baseball is sometimes beyond belief.

What makes people act this way? I call it Rawlings Rage: that urge in humans to capture a batted baseball no matter what the cost. Perhaps its a primordial link to our ancestors, when scrapping and clawing for that last giant sloth shin bone meant the difference between starving and survival. Or maybe it’s what some call the Golden Snitch Syndrome, whereupon a loose baseball, all gleaming and white and alluring, takes on the properties of the treasured quidditch bauble in the Harry Potter books.

Or perhaps that baseball represents the aloof father you wish you knew better as a child. Capture it, and you’ll finally win his love! Baseball is synonymous with fathers and sons: He wasn’t there for your Little League games, but at least you have this regulation Major League baseball as a substitute for his approval.

Witness:

Things that dad should have been thinking:

1. “A foul ball? Must protect my daughter!”

2. “Let’s avoid this hurtling object that could injure one or all of us!”

3. “Where’s the hot dog guy?” (My choice).

4. “When I’m old and feeble and in need of nursing care, my daughter will remember that I put her well being above all else.”

5. “Why isn’t Furcal pinch-hitting?”

Sadly, it was none of these. Instead, what we got was reminiscent of mid-1960s sitcom television. “Gilligan, drop that coconut!” BONK!

Now let’s examine our previous great moment in foul ball history, that of Bo the Bailer, the man who didn’t want a foul ball at all. Remember when the male Astros fan ducked out of the way at the last second, allowing his girlfriend to be struck with a foul ball? Bo was raked over the coals by everyone, including the CBS Early Show with Harry Smith, and the couple eventually broke up amidst ugly name-calling on Facebook.

But perhaps Bo was the wisest of us all. He at first appeared to succumb to his human instinct to catch the foul, but at the last moment exhibited rational individual thought. “This ball may hurt me,” he reasoned. “I will get out of the way.” Sadly, his girlfriend’s head was next in the flight path. This may have also been planned, as in “I was going to break up with her anyway.”

So it seems that you just can’t win in foul ball situations, unless you do what I do. When you see a ball heading in your direction, you should follow these steps:

1. Squeal like a Girl Scout.

2. Run, using your seat cushion as a shield.

3. If you can’t get to the aisle, duck and cover.

4. Always bring an umbrella for such occasions, even on sunny days.

In other words, get the hell out of the way. Perhaps I’m jaded from having covered the game, but I consider hurtling baseballs as things to be avoided. Just like the Mets!

Sorry, dad.

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Rick’s Cafe Americain appears each Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.