Hidden assets: Rating the off-court intangibles of the NBA Finals

Sure, we’ve got the position-by-position rundown on the NBA Finals. We can tell you what we think LeBron James will do from the moment he tosses the chalk until he goes beddy-bye following Game One. Who will guard Dirk Nowitzki? Which coach is more adept at drawing plays on his dry-erase board? How many games will this thing go? We’ve got all that stuff.

But until now, you haven’t had a rundown on the real intangibles. Which fans are superior? Which team’s mascot was arrested at the airport for smuggling wild parrots into the U.S.? (Neither, but wouldn’t that be something?). Which arena has the most convenient parking? These are the things that will decide this series. Because the players are so evenly matched, it’s going to come down to the off-the-court matchups, such as, which city has the best Thai restaurant? Which team’s supporters have produced the best fan video? The answers are all here below. (I think. It was late when I wrote this).

You have come to the mountaintop, and we have given you the answers that you seek. Now go, and spread this wisdom to the world. And if you win some scratch in Vegas, a small kickback would be nice.

BEST FANS: Caution — please resist the temptation to categorize this as Cowboys vs. Hollywood. Sure, you’re likely to hear some Brad Paisley or Clint Black in and around American Airlines Center, but Mavs fans are a diverse group who are not afraid to drop trou in the line of duty. These aren’t a bunch of Hank Hills in the stands … they run the gamut from Beavis and Butt-head to Reverend Lovejoy. Dirk Nowizki went so far as to credit Mavs fans via Twitter for helping the team get to the Finals.

Heat fans, meanwhile, have come relatively late to the party. Heat tickets sold briskly when LeBron arrived, but who remembers the previous season when the marketing department was reduced to begging fans to show up to games on time? Even this season fans were a little too quick to get to the parking lot when things weren’t going well. Heat fans are just learning how to be rabid difference-makers, although they’re getting there. EDGE: Mavericks.

BEST DEPICTION ON THE SIMPSONS: Mark Cuban vs. LeBron James. In a 2008 episode, Mr. Burns buys a basketball team, and for inspiration asks “What would Mark Cuban do?” When you find yourself asking that question, it’s time to step back and unload the hunting rifle. In the Season 16 episode Homer and Ned’s Hail Mary Pass, Homer is hired by LeBron and other pro athletes to choreograph their victory dances. The episode ends thusly: Homer and Flanders team up to put on a nonviolent and deeply meaningful Biblical Super Bowl half-time show which America chastises for its blatant display of decency. EDGE, HEAT.

BEST MASCOT: Champ and Mavs Guy vs. Burnee. By all accounts, Champ is kind of an a*****. And … seven hells, what’s this? Meanwhile, aside from this shameless groveling last year when Dwyane Wade was in contract negotiations, Burnee hasn’t really done anything to disgrace himself or the team. We don’t generally go in for the wacky, nondescript walking-carpet type of mascot, but Burnee will do in a pinch, as long as there’s plenty of Glade Deodorizer on hand. EDGE: Heat.

BEST UNOFFICIAL MASCOT: Basketball head guy vs. Banana Man. There are advantages to having a perfectly round head. You can’t see it here, but this man’s costume is even more impressive when you realize that he can usually be seen wearing an actual basketball hoop on his chest. Meanwhile, Banana Man has captured the essence of mascot greatness: Be unique, be yourself, be a fruit or vegetable. Banana Man is invulnerable to everything except monkeys. EDGE: Heat.

BEST VIDEO: The Big Nowitzki vs. Banana Man and Friends. Mark Cuban is a film buff, Dirk Nowitzki kind of reminds one of Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski, and it’s fun saying “The Dirk abides …” The result is this, a rather amusing mashup featuring scenes from The Big Lebowski, Photoshop, and Dirk himself saying things like “Obviously you’re not a golfer.” All hail YouTube user Jazbutis. Damned nihilists … . Meanwhile, this Banana Man production from April is a followup to the previous season’s blockbuster hit, “Banana Man and Dwyane Wade.” It’s rare that a sequel surpasses the original, but this one does. EDGE: Mavericks.

WORST DRESSED RECURRING FAN: Don Knobler vs. Uggs Guy. Knobler is somewhat of an institution at Mavs games, subscribing as he does to the theory that ‘The crazier the outfit, the funnier the comedy.’ Sorry, but vaudeville died for a reason. Fun fact: That kilt is lined entirely with active restraining orders. Meanwhile, this unknown man wearing uggs has been spotted at three Heat home games this season that I know of, and I’m not sure what I hate more: the inappropriate footwear, the jewelry or the fact that he has front-row seats. EDGE: Heat.

BEST TV SHOW: Walker, Texas Ranger vs. CSI: Miami. Chuck Norris takes a back seat to no one, as this photo demonstrates. But the series was canceled in 2001, meaning that the biggest badass in Dallas TV right now is Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Yes, Barney and Friends is taped in Dallas, which begs the question, where is Navy SEAL team 6 when you really need them? Meanwhile, Miami actually has active TV shows such as CSI: Miami, Burn Notice, Law & Order and my favorite, Dexter. Why do I have a feeling that the NBA Finals are going to end with DeShawn Stevenson on a table wrapped tightly in plastic? EDGE: Heat.

BEST KILLER WHALE: White Rock Lake yard sculpture vs. ‘Lolita.’ The Miami Seaquarium is home to Lolita, which at age 40 is one of the oldest Killer Whales in captivity, and weighs in at approximately 7,000 pounds. Dallas has no such attraction, but this handsome lawn sculpture can be yours for only $150, according to the seller, who writes: The body is wood and the fins are plate steel. For years, it was part of the decor of the old White Rock Yacht Club by White Rock Lake. I have had it in my front yard for several years, and it really looks neat. However, I recently bought a new sculpture that I want to put there. Because we believe that real Killer Whales should not be held in concrete prisons: EDGE: Mavericks.

BEST CHEERLEADER CALENDAR: Mavericks Dancers vs. Miami Heat Dancers. We have a winner. (May August go to 32 days, then have to start all over again). But feel free to do your own research. EDGE: Mavericks.

BEST T-SHIRT. Last week the Bulls’ Joakim Noah praised the Heat by saying “You gotta give credit when credit is due and Miami is a helluva team, umm, they’re Hollywood as Hell but they’re still very good.” And so a T-shirt motto was born. But in a matchup like this, never underestimate a city scorned. EDGE: Mavericks.