The Week In Satire: Five offenses that will also get you kicked out of the North Park Mall

Duke may not be allowed back in the NCAA Tournament, but at least they can return to the mall. Not so Dez Bryant, who had an altercation in Dallas on Tuesday, and now he’s barred from Bed Bath & Beyond. And all of the other stores. Anyway, it’s our weekly roundup of fake sports stories for your enjoyment. The following stories are not real, but are based on true events.

The week’s top headlines:

• Office Pool’s Low Number Of Bracket Printouts A Reminder Of How Many Employees Were Laid Off Last Year. [The Onion]

• Anaheim Tears Down Arena Amid Rumors Sacramento Kings Could Move There. [Real Fake Sports]

• Local man gets slightly carried away in defense of Tom Brady’s haircut. [Serious Sports Network]

• NHL Ref Likes It When He Gets To Jump Over Puck. [The Onion]

• Father suspects son’s invisible friend better at sports. [The Giant Napkin]

• Kindergarten NCAA Betting Pools Out of Control “I’ve never felt more alive,” added Fertitta before excusing himself for what he guessed would be his “last nap for a long time.” … [eTrue Sports]

• The Dugout: Pittsburgh Pirates Spring Training 2011 (Not Really). [With Leather]

• Mets 2011 giveaway items just stuff from lost & found. The Mets unveiled their 2011 promotional items on Friday and have assured fans that none of the over 7,000 items in the unorganized pile came from the recently closed Citi Field lost and found. [PhillyGameday]

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Week In Satire appears each Friday. Send satirical musings to Rickchand@gmail.com.