Jan 27, 2011, 3:49 PM EDT
My grandfather used to tell me stories about the Great Stripper Depression of the 1930s, but I never really appreciated his tales until now. “There would be lines around the block at the best strip clubs in town,” he would say, looking wistfully at some point in the distance, his eyes welling. Tears trickled down the creases of his weathered cheeks as he recalled what he simply called “the lean times.”
Even in the scuzzier clubs, where girls were missing teeth or sometimes limbs, there was a serious shortage of girls. “A man might sit at a cabaret for four hours and see the same act seven times,” Grandpa said. “You might think that you could never get enough of a girl with a peg leg being disrobed by a guy in a dolphin costume, but you’d be wrong.
“You kids, you don’t appreciate what you have now.”
Then Grandpa would thrash us and send us to bed. But it was a gentle thrashing, filled with love.
Now, the stories are all too real. Imagine a Super Bowl in Texas with no naughty dancing. Nothing to occupy their laps except movie popcorn buckets. Imagine a visiting populace with nothing to do in the two weeks prior to the big game except go to the Dallas Conspiracy Museum, or the Dallas World Aquarium. Dear Diary: My conclusion is that Oswald acted alone. Now going to see the squid.
I shudder at the thought. Where are the the strippers that we were promised when Arlington was awarded Super Bowl XLV? With attendance at Cowboys Stadium expected to reach a record 105,000 fans on Feb. 6 — and six times that in area tourism overall — it stands to reason that Dallas-area strip clubs will be brimming to capacity. But this is a contingency, apparently, that went unrecognized by the area’s professional disrobing establishments.
Yep, there’s a stripper shortage in Dallas, and the area’s XXX-clubs are on the lookout for an additional 10,000 girls. TMZ is reporting that for the Super Bowl, a comfortable tourist-to-stripper ratio is about 30-1. But at present, the Dallas area has nowhere near that number of girls on hand.
Showtime Cabaret’s John Walsh told TMZ his establishment is looking for an additional 100 to 120 lap dancers for the big football weekend.
Walsh said the 60 or so Dallas-area strip clubs will require approximately 10,000 strippers combined.
Officials from Arlington, Tex., home to Cowboys Stadium where the game will be played, said they expect 300,000 visitors for Super Bowl weekend.
But help is on the way. Rebecca Avalon, a professional exotic dancer and president of Strip and Grow Rich, the original Stripper School (and former elementary school teacher) has just written an article on how you can cash in on this seller’s market and make big cash by becoming a stripper. Here’s what you’ll need:
First, make sure you have the proper documentation. The City of Dallas requires an independent background check to be performed before you are allowed to work. It is not a business license, and it is performed by a company called Bio-Verify. If you are an American Citizen, be sure to have 2 forms of Identification (driver’s license, state issued I.D., social security card, military I.D., DD214, U.S. passport, US birth certificate, naturalization certificate, baptismal certificate, and Alien I.D. card). If you were not born in the United States, then you must bring one of the following: Naturalization Certificate; U.S. Passport, U.S. birth certificate; Alien I.D. Card, or international work permit.
Second, figure out which club you would like to work at. In Dallas you must be 18 to work at topless clubs that serve alcohol, except for The Lodge which requires all entertainers to be 21. Topless clubs are open until 2 am, nude clubs have extended hours until 5 am. Go to that club during the shift you would like to work. Most clubs in Dallas have specific day, mid, and night shifts. If you go during the daytime and get hired for day shift, that does not necessarily mean that they will let you work at night also.
Once you are hired at a club, you will pay the club $50 for your referral to Bio Verify. This is an independent agency, not a government office. Even though it is open after normal business hours, I suggest you complete this process during the daytime. The Manana Rd office is not a very safe place for a young woman to be after dark.
Once you have completed your background checks, return to the club and start making money!
I imagine a great influx of strippers descending on the area over the next week, as giant herds of scantily-dressed women move across the Texas landscape like the cattle drives of old. Eventually they will fill the clubs and hotels and night spots; good, sexy gals who will strip for honest, horny people. And many dollar bills will change from hand to g-string, drinks will be purchased, and — dare I say it? — perhaps our economy will begin rolling again.
“You may not know it to look at me, but I have faith in the American spirit,” said Grandpa, emptying his pipe by tapping it over the head of his youngest grandson. “We’ve faced stripper shortages before. But somehow, we always prevail. Because this country is… ..ZZZzzzzzz.”
And with that our grandfather dozed off, snoring peacefully as the clock struck midnight. And as we went through his pockets and emptied his wallet, I offered a silent prayer. Godspeed, strippers. May you get here soon, and may you possess a hardy pioneer spirit, and all of your limbs.
Rick’s Cafe Americain appears each Thursday. Contact: Rickchand@gmail.com.
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