Philadelphia: A Year in Sports Fan Douchebaggery

Some say that Philadelphia gets a bum rap when it comes to criticism of its sports fans. I was all set to agree, until I examined the evidence. Now I’m inclined to say that Philly doesn’t get criticized enough. Looking back over the year that was, Philly has indeed been in rare form … there is just something seriously wrong with the water or the atmosphere. Remember those kids who gave Haley Joel Osment a hard time in The Sixth Sense, locking him in the attic with that ghost? That was a real d***head move. And yep, it happened in Philadelphia.

So here you go: The Top 10 Philly Fan Douchtard Moments of 2010, in reverse order.

10. America’s Got Talent? We start the countdown rather innocuously, as a hopeful Phillies fan looks to the NLCS armed only with a team jersey and a song. And what a song it is; Madonna’s Holiday, with the title word changed to “Halladay.” Area children are still showing signs of trauma.

9. I got your Thanksgiving right here! Is it possible for a turkey to be a jerk? We think so, so this wild fowl makes our list. The turkey terrorized a youth soccer game at a Philadelphia middle school, chasing the goalie — not used to running significant distances — completely around the field. It’s like I always say; there’s never a dog around when you need one.

8. Sex For World Series Tickets Trial of the Century. It was in 2008 that Susan Finkelstein was busted for offering sex on Craigslist in exchange for World Series tickets (she still claims it was all a misunderstanding). But her trial actually began in January of this year, where her attorney used the very rare “My client is a slut” defense. Then in June of this year Finkelstein started her own blog, which among other things included the paragraph: During that magical summer, I was no longer “Susan Finkelstein”. Because all good baseball players had nicknames, I re-created myself as “Crisco Russell” (right-fielder Bake McBride was known as “Shake and Bake,” and a big tub of Crisco shortening in the kitchen cabinet inspired me similarly).

7. Philadelphia soccer, represent. Only in Philadelphia could English soccer fans not be the most unruly people in the stadium. Manchester United played Philadelphia Union in July at Lincoln Financial Field, prompting several reports such as this: According to the Philadelphia Union Facebook page, the Sons of Ben (our cheering section) held s*** down for Philly and massaged the ears of the Man U players and fans all night with “You Suck A******” chants and other miscellaneous vulgarities. And: Trust me, the You Suck one is one of the more milder that the SoB’s chant. We were seated in that section last night, I have never heard so much profanity, it really is lower class, but then again, so is most of the city.

6. Phillies fans show their class to former teammate. Game 2 of the NLCS, and that’s Pat Burrell making his way back to the dugout. This craft project was employed throughout the Phils’ three home games, including Game 6, in which the signs were ultimately used to hide their tears.

5. Change We Can Believe In. On Oct. 11, Philadelphian Juan James Rodriguez, 24, became the first person in history to streak the President of the United States. To be fair, it was a Californian who talked him into it. In August, billionaire Alki David offered $1 million to anyone who would streak near the President with the name of David’s web site scrawled on their body. It was, apparently, mission accomplished for Rodriguez, who can boast the second-most talked about private parts in the world.

4. Their own Bartman Incident. Early July, and Jayson Werth is tracking a foul ball near the first row in the stands; only to be obstructed by a father and son combo who blocked his glove and made the ball a souvenir instead of an out. Werth, understandably mad as the incident happened in the 12th inning of a tie game, unleashed a couple of choice expletives that left the father embarrassed and the son with a few words to look up on Google. The fallout was mixed, with the public leaning toward the father.

3. I drink to forget. Another incident in early June, as a young Phillies fan — who can be no more than 5 or 6 — is caught by cameras swilling from a beer bottle in the stands. Of course several investigations are launched, which result in another kid being photographed doing the same thing.

2. Don’t tase me, bro … ZZZZzzzzzZZ! May 3, 2010, approximately 9:46 p.m. Loose-limbed imbecile Steve Consalvi, a Penn State-bound high school senior, becomes the first baseball fan ever tasered for running onto the playing field. He flew too closely to the sun on wings of stupid.

1. The Man Who Blew Too Much. We’ll never forget where we were on April 15, when 22-year-old Matthew Clemmens entered Philadelphia fan lore by intentionally vomiting on an 11-year-old girl at Citizen’s Bank Park. The girl’s father, a police officer, had this immortal quote:

“It was the most vile, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” said Vangelo, “and I’ve been a cop for 20 years.”

In the whirlwind of news coverage that followed, Clemmens avoided the cameras, his uncle came to his defense, and he was eventually sentenced to 1-3 months in jail, plus 50 hours of community service at Citizens Bank Park — cleaning bathrooms and emptying trash.

Honorable Mention: Flyers fans try to steal gear from a cameraman while he’s in the middle of a report from inside the Wachovia Center … Montreal Gazette hockey reporter has his car vandalized by Flyers fans, who then post the results on Facebook … Fat, jolly Phils fan rushes field, wears ridiculous pants … Snooki booed at Philadelphia chicken wing eating contest … Jockeys come to blows at Philadelphia Park … Olney High basketball fans, unhappy with the pummeling their team received from rival Frankfort High, do some pummeling of their own after the game in the parking lot … Just missed by a couple of weeks: The Great Snowball Fight of 2009, which occurred in December.