Mascot Power Rankings: New Euro 2012 mascots will now present their ransom demands

1. Unnamed mascots, UEFA Euro 2012 Championship. (Last week: unranked).

Presenting the new (unnamed) mascots for the UEFA Euro Soccer tournament. *Cough*. Look, it’s easy to ridicule mascots; especially ones such as these. So I won’t go the easy route and mock their appearance … just the thought behind them. Like the infamous Wenlock and Mandeville, mascots for the 2012 London Olympics, these corporate hobgoblins are almost always created by committee in the board room of a giant marketing department, or at least farmed out by same. Thus we usually end up with money-grubbing gremlins with a “back story” and “merchandising potential” and their own interactive web site. Organizations such as UEFA and the IOOC aren’t interested in warmth and whimsy; they want marketable plush toys and key chains, which will be sold only by committee-approved vendors within a five-mile radius of the stadium.

Anyway, the Euro 2012 mascots have yet to be named, so UEFA would like you do do it. I know; you have precious free time what with the economy in the shape it’s in, but after all, this is more important than making sure you can make the house payment. So get to work. Four cities in Poland and four in the Ukraine will play host to the championships. The tournament opens in Warsaw and the final match will be held in Kyev. The public can submit name suggestions, and the names will be chosen by Dec. 15.

This young child will be held hostage until the names are finalized; so for the love of God, get to work.

2. Lee Corso in Oregon Duck head, ESPN. (Last week: unranked).

It’s hard to think of anything stupider than a broadcaster wearing a duck head on national TV. Unless it’s a broadcaster wearing a duck head on national TV who tries to shake hands with a blind person. That’s Lee Corso, of course, wearing the Oregon Duck’s head. Watch as he extends his hand to Jake Olson, the young USC fan who is blind due to cancer. Oy vey.

3. Bucky Badger, University of Wisconsin. (Last week: unranked).

Bucky returns to the Power Rankings in glorious fashion this week following the Badgers’ 83-20 football stomping of Indiana on Saturday. As is tradition, Bucky performed pushups following each Wisconsin score, and ended up doing 573 of them for the game. That’s a lot for a human, let alone a short-legged, heavy-set omnivore from the weasel family.

4. Tim the Beaver, MIT. (Last week: unranked).

Famously abducted last year as a protest to the administration planning to cut some of its sports programs, Tim the Beaver is one of college sports’ oldest mascots. From the MIT site: “The beaver was chosen as the mascot of Technology because of its remarkable engineering and mechanical skill and its habits of industry. … In nominating the beaver at a dinner in 1914, it was noted that a book on beavers said: “The beaver’s habits are nocturnal, he does his best work in the dark.”

5. Jack Rabbit, South Dakota State. (Last week: unranked).

The Jackrabbits nickname is part of a proud tradition at SDS, and goes back 105 years. But the mascot never officially had a name until a student election last week. After much debate, the choosing of six finalists and a vote in which 3,956 votes were cast, the winning name was … Jack. Yeah, that was time and money well spent. Fun fact: SDS’s homecoming celebration, Hobo Day, is “The Biggest One-Day Event in the Dakotas.”

6. Goldy Gopher, University of Minnesota. (Last week: No. 3).

Our first returning mascot (Goldy was ranked in Week 1 and Week 2), Goldy boasts some new accomplishments that surprisingly do not include mischief and/or injury to youth football players. Not only did Goldy finish tied for first in the 2011 College Cheerleading and Dance Team National Championship entry competition, but his new Goldy Did series is on its way to becoming a YouTube classic.

7. Chicken goalie, Church of the King Soccer Camp, Mandeville, Louisiana. (Last week: unranked).

All we know about this photo is that the chicken is really Cody Hitchcock, and it was taken on March 31 at the Church of the King soccer camp held at Pelican Park’s silver complex in Mandeville, La. Why a chicken? Well, because the pelican was a sieve.

8. Duck Girl, University of Oregon. (Last week: Unranked).

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that a complicated, difficult-to-remove duck suit and domestic light beer do not mix. You do the math. Anyway, this is Oregon superfan Kristin Miller, a native of San Diego who has jumped onto the football bandwagon with both webbed feet. Too bad she reminds me of this terrifying image. [Thanks to Sportess of Blogitude].

9. Speedy the Geoduck, Evergreen State College. (Last week: No. 5).

The geoduck, the world’s largest saltwater clam, has also been the mascot for this Olympia, Wash., college since 1971, although Speedy was first introduced in 2006 following a student effort to design a mascot costume. A geoduck, (pronounced goo-ee-duck) can have a shell of over nine inches in length. Outside of the shell is a siphon, which can be more then three feet in length. I think the Evergreen fight song says it all: Go, Geoducks go/Through the mud and the sand, let’s go. Siphon high, squirt it out/swivel all about, let it all hang out. Go, Geoducks go/Stretch your necks when the tide is low/Siphon high, squirt it out/swivel all about, let it all hang out.

10. Big Blue, Old Dominion University. (Last week: No. 6).

Big Blue remains in first place in the Capital One Mascot Bowl standings with an 11-0 record in head-to-head competition and a sizable advantage over the second-place mascot, Monte (U. of Montana) in overall voting. Big Blue looks like he’ll be hard to beat, with 947,413 votes, to 794,473 for Monte (9-2). Also of note: Going to an Old Dominion football game? Well, keep your head on a swivel, because Big Blue will steal your keg. (Thanks to David Jenkins).

• Previous Mascot Power Rankings (Weeks 1-5).

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Mascot Power Rankings based on mascot newsworthiness, awesomeness and/or spectacular failure. Think your mascot deserves to be ranked? Mascot Power Rankings depends greatly on your submissions. Send tales of mascot shenanigans, links and photos to Rickchand@gmail.com.