Hawaiian birds confuse stadium lights with moon, destroy friday night football
Oct 22, 2010, 3:25 PM EDT
Friday night football is dead on the Hawaiian island of Kauai, because baby birds can’t seem to differentiate between stadium lights and the moon and stars. The birds, who fly around the lights aimlessly until they pass out in exhaustion from batting their wings, fall to the ground to be run over by cars and eaten by cats. But they are receiving little pity from parents who are mad that their friday night tradition has been ruined due to the the stupidity of birds who can’t figure out the difference between artificial balls of fire and the moon.
If you can’t figure something that simple out, your species deserves to go extinct, I say. The birds that survived are probably pecking at a billboard of a Snapple bottle and wondering why their thirsts aren’t getting quenched as we speak.
The tradition of Friday night football on the island of Kauai has been disrupted by an unusual culprit: Young seabirds migrating to the ocean are mistaking stadium lights for the moon and stars, causing them to become disoriented, fall from the sky and be eaten by cats. School officials have canceled Friday night football for the entire season on Kauai and moved the games to Saturday afternoon, angering residents who are upset that their beloved fall tradition has been thwarted all because of a bird.
Some residents are directing their anger at the birds. An enterprising fan has printed more than 250 T-shirts saying “Buck the Firds” on the front and “Let the Boys Play” on the back. They come in the colors of each of Kauai’s three high schools.
“Because we’re in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we don’t have much to have to offer our kids. On a Friday night, this is what our kids would look forward to,” said Lori Koga, whose 17-year-old son is a Kauai High School varsity linebacker and running back. “And then they took that away from us.”
THOSE DARN BIRDS ARE RUINING OUR LIVES!
I’d love to imagine what went through those stupid birds’ minds as they circled the stadium lighting under the impression that they’ve flown so high they’ve reached the levels of celestial masterpieces.
Baby Bird: I can’t believe this is happening! All of my ancestors said it couldn’t be done, yet here I am, flying amidst the moon and the stars! I AM A GOLDEN GOD! WHO IS THE GREATEST BIRD OF THEM ALL!? Wait ’til I tell my family about thi- oof I’m tired.
*Splat*
– Josiah Schlatter
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Hawaii Birds Confuse Friday Night Lights With Moon [CBS News]
