Castrodale: Here's to Tiger, Elin, and nothing but golf from now on
Aug 26, 2010, 3:00 PM EDT
According to late ex-pat poet T.S. Eliot, the way the world ends is “not with a bang but a whimper.” And, as we learned earlier this week, a marriage ends with a joint statement on a website and a cover story in a checkout aisle tabloid. On Monday morning, Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren were officially divorced in Panama City, Florida. Although many of the details of their settlement remained on the other side of the government-installed metal detectors, hopefully someone thought to reach into Tiger’s control panel and turn the dial to “Sad”.
The single paragraph that the former couple released repeatedly emphasized the importance of their childrens’ happiness and well-being, while offering the kind of hollow-sounding well-wishes to each other that were probably typed with clenched fists. Woods also — unsurprisingly — asked for privacy, which is the same thing he wanted the last time an emotionless pile of words appeared on TigerWoods.com.
Both Tiger and Elin have spoken publicly since the end credits rolled on their relationship. “You don’t ever go into a marriage looking to get divorced,” he told reporters before The Barclays tournament began in New Jersey. “That’s why it’s sad.” You also don’t go into a marriage assuming that your husband will see more beaver than a Canadian park ranger, Tiger. That’s what’s sad.
For Elin’s perspective, you’ll have to either spend four dollars or loiter around your local Borders until they remind you that it’s not a library. Nordegren — who dropped Tiger’s last name in the recycling bin well before the settlement — is only talking once and only in this week’s issue of People. The native Swede hasn’t spilled so much as an umlaut since the beginning of Skankapalooza, displaying an impressively detached stoicism that makes Star Trek‘s Spock look like a hysterical bitch.
According to the magazine, Nordegren was interviewed for almost nineteen hours, was not compensated for her participation and will most likely reveal nothing more than the hurt of someone whose trust was shattered like the back window of Woods’ wrecked Escalade.
So what happens now, after their respective legal teams (eight attorneys for her, including her twin sister, and two for him) have snapped their briefcases shut and started billing for their time? What’s next, other than throwing away the subscription cards that tumble out as you thumb through to find Elin’s interview? What will websites do with all of those file photos of an anguished-looking Tiger staring into the distance?
Nothing, I hope. Here’s to nothing but golf from now on, even though it’s inevitable that each upcoming PGA event will be marked with a numerical reference to his marriage. Today was his first round since the split. Eventually, there will be the first win. The first mock turtleneck. The first “F**K!”-heavy tantrum after he misses a two-footer.
He’ll go back to being Tiger Woods, the Golfer, as opposed to Tiger Woods, the Guy Who Banged The Syrup Stains Off A Pancake Waitress. He’ll finish an underwhelming-so-far kind of season, one where he has yet to dominate everyone else in khakis and a collared shirt, no longer playing like he’d entered a cheat code on his namesake XBox game. Off the course, he’s not married so he’s free to ground his club in whatever two-legged hazard he chooses. The potential for scandal ended with a judge’s signature on Monday; now he’s just another single guy with bad decisions behind his zipper and, possibly, a burning sensation when he pees.
Today has been a bright spot for Tiger Woods, the Golfer. He had an early-morning tee time for the first round of The Barclays tournament and is currently at the top of the leaderboard after firing a six-under 65. The seven birdie, one bogey round is well below his 71.64 scoring average for the other PGA events he’s played this season, maybe because Elin got half of his putting problems in the divorce.
Or maybe someone reopened the control panel and switched the dial back to Normal.
Finally.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers. Contact her at jacastrodale@gmail.com.
Also by Jelisa Castrodale …
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- Rick - Aug 27, 2010 at 8:53 AM
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Elin isn’t an idiot. She knew what what marrying an American celebrity could end up like. The divorce rate in America is 50%, most likely higher for celebs. Is Tiger a scumbag for what he did to her and their kids…he sure is. Is Elin heartbroken about losing what they had together..most definately. But, come on, she just won the lottery. She knew going in that she was going to be taken care of, no matter what. The average person has to deal with the pain and heartbrake, as well the challengeing financial trials that come with divorce. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it makes being miserable a lot easier. It’s too bad their kids don’t have the picture perfect family, but who does these days? She’s going to end up just fine. Think about what 100 Million or more would do for your life and your family..and what ‘hell’ you’d be willing to endure to change the lives of your kids, and their kids and their kids after that.
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- JD - Aug 27, 2010 at 9:03 AM
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why yes, that would make it ok to betray and humiliate your wife- just make sure you have enough money to do it?
the woman did nothing to be treated the way she was and yet because she now has some of his money, she must have somehow deserved it? or at the very least deserve no sympathy here.
and of course- poor tiger woods is the victim with all that money he lost to his wife.
really- who should be crying?
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- Opinions - Aug 27, 2010 at 9:10 AM
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Women: Elin deserves everything she got and Tiger is a dog
Men: Elin is a gold digger and Tiger is better off being single
We have significant difference of opinions based gender. No wonder that half of our marriages end in divorce. The bottom line is that Tiger Woods took an oath when he got married and couldn’t stick to it. Tiger was already a superstar before his marriage and knew the amount of temptations that come with being Tiger.
She’s a gold digger…give me a break. She’s home raising his kids while he is chasing skirts all over the country. As great of golfer he is and will become, Tiger will never truly be happy. He lost his wife, the respect of his kids (it’s coming) and tarnished his family name and legacy. However, I think we all make mistakes in life and it is how we respond that truly show our character. I hope Tiger becomes a better man beyond becoming the best golfer of all time. Good Luck Tiger.
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- LG - Aug 27, 2010 at 9:18 AM
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I enjoyed the humor… Sad for family losses… time to move on folks…
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- Paige - Aug 27, 2010 at 9:26 AM
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If you want it over so badly stop writing articles about it.
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- SLC - Aug 27, 2010 at 9:35 AM
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Great article !!!! Steve from Alabama—judge the article not the author of the article—seems like you missed the point of the entire thing.
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- jrgilb0729 - Aug 27, 2010 at 9:49 AM
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OK. The media and everyone else has thrown enough stones now to fill a quarry.
They are devorced and a financial settlement and child custody have been agreed on.
It’s time for everyone to move on as Tiger and Elin have begun to do.
Let them move on with their lives. There is nothing more for the media to report on here. Unless all you know how to do is beat a dead horse, maybe you could look a little harder for a story and let this one die a honorable death.
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- Sasha - Aug 27, 2010 at 10:07 AM
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Steve in Alabama, did you read the fine print? Jelisa is a comedian, not bitter. What article did you read?
People, at the end of the day, a women’s husband slept around grosly and at times without protection. He could have given her a disease that has no cure! I believe Tiger is truly sorry and I say back to golf and leave both Tiger and Elin alone. It’s old news now and he isn’t the first nor last famous person to step outside of their marriage. Regular people do this every single day. Big whoop!
I feel she does deserve the (supposed) $100 million settlement. She didn’t actually play golf and win the cash herself but with infidelity thrown in the mix, surely Tiger didn’t balk at paying her off. She carried his kids and goodness knows what he could have brought home to her! What if one of those skanks attacked his wife! And skanks they are, not victims like some want to play begging him for an apology. They all knew he was married and knew well he was not leaving Elin for the likes of them. They are professional groupies and professional prostitutes, period. He gave some cash and they know well they got a high off of banging a celeb. I’m sick of the press given to these trollops.
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- What do you know - Aug 27, 2010 at 10:11 AM
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What an absolutely unbelievable thread. I’m sure none of you make the money Woods makes, none of you live the life the Elin and Tiger have lived, none of you know how the courtship went, none of you know what went on behind closed doors….etc but yet all the opinions here look like they are based on facts.
Here is what we do know, Tiger Woods is a professional golfer and a multimillionaire. Tiger Woods travels a lot whether for golf tournaments, charity events, filming commercials etc….Then there is the practice, practice and more practice. Elin and Tiger recently divorced, Elin is staying in Florida not too far from her ex and they have joint custody. The only differnce the kids are going to see in their lives is not being with mommy and daddy at the same time but we don’t know this for a fact. The amount of time they are with Tiger will probably be the same as it was when they were married. When you really think about it, life probably isn’t going to be all that different.
The worst thing to come out of this is Tigers completely ruined reputation which will follow him through the rest of his career. Elin really has just been totally embarrassed and humiliated which will subside in due time.
Other than that, we know nothing. Tiger was a very private person and when Elin entered the picture she was living in his private world. So once again, we don’t have a clue. In many marriages, including mine, there is the public persona and the private one. When I got divorced everyone was completely shocked because we looked so happy together.
Well that was a very small percentage of my overall life that they had seen. It has taken literally 15 years, after my divorce, for everyone to realize she is the spawn of Satan. Now that my daughter is off to college she has severed her ties even with her.
These are opinionated statements but yet several people have been attacking some of the comments made here as if these people couldn’t possibly be right. Maybe Elin was a gold digger. It’s possible that she also may have been a prude or completely lost her sex drive after being pregnant and Tiger went elsewhere. Maybe Tiger is just the complete whore that a young millionaire has the ability to become. Maybe maybe maybe possibly maybe.
At least the article itself was worth reading. FORE!!!!!!
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- gp - Aug 27, 2010 at 10:59 AM
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Great article!
Loved it!!!
My hats off to Elin for being elegant and dignified throughout this entire ordeal. I wish her and the kids the best and I hope Tiger stays single for awhile….
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- johanna - Aug 27, 2010 at 11:50 AM
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Wow. ur article is very judgemental, and i wasn’t surprised to see it was written by a female because i kind of picked up an angry vibe. While i’m sorry for Elin, i could care less about Tiger’s love life. Thank goodness they’ve gotten the divorce already. I really do hope it’s all golf from here on.
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- Rek - Aug 27, 2010 at 12:25 PM
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She has a twin sister??????
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- CF98 - Aug 27, 2010 at 12:40 PM
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She’s a golddigger because she went from nanny to wife of a millionaire. I mean the prenup stated she’d get $20 million which BTW is rather generous but apparently she got a team of lawyers to contest that and now she gets a $100 million. And then she goes to People and talks about how $$ doesn’t buy her happiness. Well if it doesn’t buy you happiness why did you ask for more $$$?
And don’t say its because of the kids because the child support is a separate thing.
People don’t think much of Jesse James either but even he’s not contesting the prenup that he signed(as far as we know) plus he did have his own TV show not Sandy fame but it was his own. We know he won’t win anything like Elin did nor should he since he signed a prenup.
And yes I’m a female that’s saying this.
Tiger is still an idiot though you never marry the help in fact rich people shouldn’t bother getting married at all you will never win in divorce court. Just stay single and have a bunch of companions just don’t make it legal.
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- Linda Mc. - Aug 28, 2010 at 11:05 PM
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TIGER will Never regain his integrity and respect in his lifetime -whether he plays bad golf or great golf. His ego, his selfishness, his lack of repentance, his stoic apology, his bad decisions, his arrogance, his multiple affairs, his narcissim and most of all – his lack of Commitment to his wife and his children have set his life on a ‘whole different (golf) course’.
There is NO EXCUSE for unfaithfulness in a Marriage. The Options are many: Don’t Marry, Live Your life as a Playboy, Shack Up, etc. But, when you make a decision to marry ~ there is No Excuse for Unfaithfulness – whether you are on the PGA Tour or not!
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- KathyRo - Sep 23, 2010 at 1:52 PM
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To everyone who thinks poor Tiger got ripped off by a golddigger:
Tiger could easily have protected himself from losing his money. All he had to do is put a statement in his pre-nup that Elin doesn’t get more money even if he bangs all the beaver in Canada. It would probably be hard to get somebody to sign a pre-nup like that but that’s Tiger’s problem. You can’t break the terms of a contract and then expect the contract to still hold, dummy.
Despite all this, what Tiger really paid Elin extra money for was shared custody with his kids, something that does not fall into the domain of the pre-nup. Do you think the court would have granted even visitation rights to a drug-abusing sex addict?!?
