Castrodale: T.O. hopes Bengals will let him play their reindeer games

Every December, you can count on CBS to repeatedly air the stop-motion classic Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the one where the title mammal learns that puberty sucks so he tries to skip town with an elf who’d rather become a dentist than work in Santa’s sweatshop. Somewhere between the second commercial break and the inevitable happy ending, they spend a night on the Island of Misfit Toys where they meet other outcasts like a manic-depressive doll and a contagious-looking elephant.
Thanks to owner Mike Brown, the Cincinnati Bengals have become the real-life version of the Misfit Toys. For some reason, he continues to stock his rosters by collecting troubled players, the ones whose personnel files are thicker than their playbooks. Instead of an incisor loving elf, though, Brown ended up with Cedric Benson, a running back whose drunk-boating arrest makes me think he wants to be Captain Morgan. On Monday, Brown signed outspoken wide receiver Terrell Owens to a one year contract; next week, he’ll probably ink the Charlie-in-the-Box as the long snapper.

Although Cincinnati’s depth chart is littered with players who are just as familiar with initials like DUI or ATF as they are with NFL (see: Jones, Pacman; Johnson, Tank; Jones, Matt; Rucker, Frostee), Owens isn’t the same kind of character. His bad judgment seems to be limited to wearing a vest without a shirt and the only time he’s heard the Miranda rights are on episodes of COPS. During his fourteen years in the league, though, he’s perfected the art of the tantrum, has burned more bridges than General Sherman and has handed out blame like mini-Kit Kats on Halloween night.
Owens is leaving the Buffalo Bills without any well-publicized feuds or oft-repeated rumors, but his fractured relationship with Dallas QB Tony Romo is part of what got him exiled to upstate New York to start with. After Dallas’ over-Botoxed owner Jerry Jones cut him loose, Buffalo signed Owens to a one-year contract in the hopes that he could help the team do … something. The Bills haven’t been relevant since the early 1990s, a stretch of four straight winters where Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow and quarterback Jim Kelly saw the wrong side of the Super Bowl scoreboard.
It didn’t happen. TO had his least productive season ever, a 55-reception, 829-yard effort that was only out-sucked by his 2005 stint with the Eagles. The difference? That was the year he only played seven games after having his shin snapped by a then-legal horsecollar tackle.
So what was the attraction for Brown and the Bengals? Owens is thirty-six years old, no longer the Marvel-caliber superhero who hauled in 100 receptions or racked up 1,412 yards for the 49ers. His 2009 stats put him only slightly ahead of running back Maurice Jones-Drew and AARP card-carrying Panther Muhsin Muhammad. They already had a good looking depth chart at wide receiver with Chad Ochocinco, a healthy Antonio Bryant and third round draft pick Jordan Shipley. Either Owens’ arrival will divert the defense away from Ochocinco, it will open up the field for 80 proof running back Cedric Benson, or Owens and Ochocinco will go Highlander on each other, donning tartan kilts, swinging oversized swords and shouting “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”
They’re only dropping two million on Owens’ contract this year, but is that worth any potential locker room problems? Ochocinco has always played the role of Number One (or Numero Uno, I guess) for the Bengals, quietly supported by T.J. Houshmandzadeh or Laveranues Coles. What happens when another oversized, TD-celebrating, reality show star digs his cleats into the same line of scrimmage? Ochocinco has — so far — been enthusiastic about Owens’ arrival, but we’re still more than a month away from seeing them compete for passes, for plays, for attention.
Even without Owens, the Bengals appeared to be on the edge of becoming a solid team. Last year they took the AFC North with a 10-6 season, bolstered largely by a defense that was stingier than Uncle Scrooge McDuck. They made their first playoff appearance since 2005 (their last winning season), although dropping the Wild Card game to the Jets means they haven’t won in the postseason since 1990, back when the Oilers were still a franchise, Boomer Esiason was under center and Christian Slater had a career.
Current quarterback Carson Palmer has been supportive of Owens’ signing, but it will be interesting to see how their relationship changes between now and sweatshirt weather. Owens has publicly called out almost every quarterback who ever launched a Wilson F1100 into his outstretched hands, including Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb and Romo. The only QBs he hasn’t blasted to someone with a tape recorder and a press pass are Buffalo’s Trent Edwards and Ryan Fitzpatrick, and that’s probably because Owens — like the rest of America — just couldn’t remember their names.
In 2006 — shortly after Philadelphia released Owens for his criticism of team management, coach Andy Reid, and McNabb — he wrote a children’s book called “Little T Learns to Share.” Big T should probably pull that one off the shelf and re-read it before the season starts. Maybe he should Amazon a copy for Ochocinco too. And if that doesn’t work, somebody may want to tell Mike Brown that Hermey the Misfit Elf can run one hell of an out pattern.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers. Contact her at jacastrodale@gmail.com.
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