Week in Preview: President Bieber, it's Lance Armstrong on the red phone

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from writing this blog, it’s this: Teen Wolf as a member of the FIBA U.S. men’s basketball team is a wonderful, glorious thing. Even if he is now 42. Onward with Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview, which is actually written by Rob Sylvester, a Hobbit of great renown.
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By Darren_Daulton
Greetings and salutations, dear Week in Preview readers! Unfortunately, this installment is going to be my last here at Out of Bounds — a series of scheduling conflicts (and one regrettable evening spent going beer for beer with Wade Boggs) have me spending my next 27 Mondays in the alternating care of the foxy Miss Clara Barton and the slightly-less-foxy-but-still-lovely folks at the Philadelphia Kidney & Liver Institute. I just want to tell you all how much fun I’ve had penning these previews for you, and can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, that I hope you each lost as much money adhering to this column as I did writing it. Now, for the “final” time, on to the week “ahead!”
Today
Following his 23rd-place-finish at the 2010 Tour De France, seven-time champion and perpetual peddler of the self Lance Armstrong realizes that his cycling ability alone no longer warrants his presence in the American sporting consciousness, and promptly fashions himself a suit made entirely of working cell phones in an attempt to re-acquire cancer. Thankfully for all parties involved, Armstrong fails in this goal and we never have to hear his name again, until 2048 when Floyd Landis calls an emergency press conference claiming to have witnessed Armstrong sneaking an extra Jello pack from the cafeteria. However, as Landis is over the age of 70, his opinions are quickly & rightfully dismissed, and both men are forgotten forever as the public turns their attention back to the inauguration of President-elect Bieber (Canada having officially joined the U.S. after the State of Michigan killed itself in 2015).

Wednesday, July 28
With a roster noticably lacking the top-level talent and star power of the 2008 gold-medal Olympic squad, Team USA coach Mike Krzyzewski extends a controversial training camp invite to basketball madman and 1980′s movie star Teen Wolf in preparation for the upcoming FIBA World Championships. However, in addition to being fictional, Teen Wolf now faces the additional obstacle of being 42, and falters in workouts before re-finding his game down the stretch and shockingly beating out Washington Wizards’ center JaVale McGee for the last roster spot. Unfortunately, the next day Teen Wolf is barred from participating with Team USA by FIBA president Bob Elphinston, who releases a statement which in part reads “Absent the presentation of a valid US birth certificate, it is the clear opinion of FIBA that Mr. Teen Wolf is not in fact an American. Looking at him, we would guess Estonian. Maybe Greek.” Teen Wolf is unable to provide the necessary documentation and dejectedly returns to his regular nightly schedule of Jello-wrestling Larry Bird and the Karate Kid in Bill Simmons’ imagination.
Thursday, July 29
New York Yankees third baseman and icon of the steroid era Alex Rodriguez hits his milestone 600th career home run, causing sanctimonious sportswriters across the country to dust off their tiny pedestals and wax poetic about the tainted nature of today’s records while offering up odes to baseball’s perfect past — the Golden Times — when every player was a Saint in cleats and society knew no such ills as disease or drug use or street violence or foreign wars or poor people (except for polio, alcohol abuse, the mafia, the years 1910-1980, and pretty much everybody, ever). Noted sportswriter and part-time Keebler elf Mitch Albom leads the moral outrage parade, wondering aloud in his next column how many home runs Rodriguez would have hit if he had played in an alternate, steroid-free universe. Famous American Hero and two-time Male Model of the Year Darren Daulton publicly resolves to settle the matter once and for all, just as soon as he finishes up his preliminary “research” for his 2011 Celebrity Death Pool, which in reality consists of the nightly placement of $300 worth of cocaine and a crazy straw under Lindsay Lohan’s pillow.
Saturday, July 31
Famous world hero and four-time Male Model of the Year Darren Daulton completes an epic trade with one Lenny Dykstra, acquiring Roy Halladay, Josh Hamilton, and Joba Chamberlain for Roy Oswalt, Josh Willingham, and Jabba the Hutt, in addition to the right to swap picks in the first round of next year’s draft. When asked by a reporter what this trade would mean to both of their Fantasy teams, Daulton and Dykstra both wait a beat, look at each other, and reply in unison “fan-ta-sy?” Darren Daulton goes on to win the World Series in a four-game sweep for the ages, cementing a Hall-of-Fame career for the famous intergalactic space hero and seven-time Male Model of the Year. He then cures AIDS.
Well, there you have it folks — another week rescued from the boring tedium of “suspense” and “passing time,” thanks to yours truly. I hope over the course of this feature that you’ve all had ample opportunity to live and love and laugh, but mainly to learn — sort of like an inverted Arizona State. Take care, Lil’ Dutchies, and above all, remember this — he without a linear construct of time can never be late! Just try explaining that to his girlfriend, optometrist, and parole officer. See you all in December 2012!
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Previously in Week in Preview with Darren Daulton …