Naming your baby ESPN sounds like a perfectly sensible thing to do…

…if you happen to be a mouth-breathing moron who thinks it would be cute and/or funny to do your child the ultimate indignity of naming them after a friggin’ sports network, that is. What gives? Is Versus to ethnic-sounding or something?
Yeah, I’m sure that name would play real well during the formative years of elementary school.

Teacher: I would like to introduce a new student to the class, everyone. His name is ESPN.

Students (in unison): BOO-YAH!!
ESPN: Yeah, I’m as cool as the other side of the pillow and stuff, so please don’t beat me mercilessly during recess, m’kay? It’s not my fault my parents are mentally ill woodheads.

Unfortunately, it appears to be true. The intrepid sleuths over at Midwest Sports Fans stumbled upon the fact that ESPN is suggested as a potential name for both a boy and a girl on BabyNames.com. The site defines ESPN as “Television Sports Network”; origin: American; boy or girl’s name.”
What in the holy hell is wrong with people? Allow me to illustrate: according to an October 2006 story, it has been documented that four couples have already made the ill-advised decision to name their children ESPN (via AP/NBC Sports):

Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he’d get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.

Rusty Real, of D’Iberville, chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana.
Baby ESPN isn’t alone.
Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tivocommunity.com about the network’s 25th anniversary. They are Espn Malachi McCall in Pampa, Texas; Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and Espn Blondeel in Michigan.
“We were the talk of the hospital,” Rusty Real said. “The nurses kept asking my wife if she was really going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, ‘Oh, yes.’”

Mercy. Well, I suppose there could possibly be a silver lining. Maybe one day, little ESPN McCall might be fortunate enough to see his savage playground beating crack SportsCenter‘s Top 10 Plays. That would be pretty cool.
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ESPN: The Worldwide Leader in…Baby Names? [Midwest Sports Fans]
Parents name baby after ESPN, Joe Montana [NBC Sports/AP]