Week in Preview: Inception, starring ghost of George Steinbrenner

It’s the next-to-last episode of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview, and this one has it all. Or did, until Daulton went back in time and removed certain sensitive facts. This is actually written by the way, by Rob Sylvester, just so you know. Next week: The exciting season finale. Set your DVRs.
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By Darren_Daulton
Hello again, loyal readers! Darren Daulton back for another week of previews sure to blow your mind (my mind having already been blown by a spirited game of 20 Questions with Socrates). As an aside, I finally got around to seeing Hot Tub Time Machine this week, and let me tell you, I’m not happy. It was very clearly plagiarized from an essay I wrote for The New Yorker regarding my vacation two Springs ago with Matt Leinart, Mark Chmura, and the Sunshine Valley High School Cheerleading Squad. However, considering that essay itself was a plagiarization of both Timecop and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, I guess we’ll call it even. On to the week “ahead!”
Today
Fresh off the blockbuster opening of the the No. 1 movie in America, Inception, it is revealed that the idea of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chis Bosh joining forces in Miami was actually implanted in their heads during their dreams by none other than Pat Riley, NBA legend and Heat team president. Further evidence of Riley’s subconscious influence comes to light when all three players are seen with a new slicked-back hairstyle and orange spray tans (looking like the cast of Jersey Shore after a nuclear attack), and then again when the threesome violently jumps Stan Van Gundy in a poorly-lit alley before pretending like they’re friends. Once the truth comes out and all three men realize they’ve been duped into taking substantially less money, they successfully have their contracts voided and sign max deals with their original teams, causing Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert to publish a heartfelt and sincere apology in Wingdings.

Wednesday, July 21
In something out of a Stephen King novel, the statue of George Steinbrenner at new Yankee Stadium becomes inhabited by the spirit of actual George Steinbrenner, who apparently feels like he has some work left to do on Earth — namely guiding the Yankees to one last World Series title under his stewardship. The Bronze Boss runs just as tight a ship as his flesh-bound predecessor, as he immediately replaces sons Hank and Hal with the animated plaques of Ed Barrow and Casey Stengel from Monument Park, and raises ticket prices 15 percent, saying “I may be dead, but I’m not dumb.” Steinbrenner’s ghost then spends the remainder of the season demanding that Don Mattingly’s plaque cut his hair, to no avail. The Yankees end up losing a tough series in the ALCS and Steinbrenner rises to heaven, unhappily announcing that he’ll be back in the Spring with some new talent.
Friday, July 23
Terrell Owens, still desperate to find gainful employment in the NFL for the 2010-2011 season, begins traveling to all NFL cities and walking through their downtown areas wearing a sandwich board that highlights his career achievements and awards. However the plan backfires on the 36-year-old free agent receiver when he breaks his hip in three places after patting himself on the back too hard for receiving an interview offer from the Oakland Raiders. Compounding the problems for Owens, the person whom he thought was Raiders owner Al Davis was actually Joan Rivers, offering T.O. a starring role in her upcoming television series about people who just don’t know when to give it up. Dejected, T.O. finally embraces retirement and agrees to star in the program, going on to win an Emmy award for his portrayal of a homeless Jerry Rice.
Sunday, July 25
In an effort to demonstrate once and for all that time travel is real, Darren Daulton conducts an experiment by placing Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan in the same room at the same time. The resulting space-time implosion levels much of Southern California, but proves Daulton knew what he was talking about all along.
That’s it for this week folks, I’m off to spend the next six days camping in the Mesozoic Era as I attempt to find out once and for all how man and T-Rex ever managed to co-exist. Remember, if the camper is a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking. And if the camper is upside down and on fire, my ex-wife finally found me. Until “next” week!
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Rob Sylvester is a former editor of the now defunct Style Points blog, as well as one of the creative minds behind the Jesus_M_Christ, PimpBillClinton, and Darren_Daulton twitter accounts.
Previously in Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview …