Week In Preview: Ricky Williams announces his retirement from the Los Angeles Jaguars

It’s Rob Sylvester’s “Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview.” There are only three more installments left after today … don’t miss a single episode! Unless, like the former Phillies’ star, you have mastered astral time travel. Then don’t sweat it.
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By Darren_Daulton
Greetings & salutations, members of Dutch Nation! (not you, Holland.) Darren Daulton here to bring you the major news & events of the upcoming week before they even happen. Yeah, it’s sort of like FOX News, but the difference is I’m actually telling the truth. Before I get the good stuff, here’s a tip to the wise: Arnold Schwarzenegger is a big phony. I ran into him at a big political event “last” week, & I tell you what, I don’t think that guy has time-traveled once in his life, despite what his films may tell you. He didn’t know anything about the Four Universally Known Paradoxes of Time Travel, he knew less than half of the words to “I Am My Own Grandpa” (the international time-traveler’s anthem) & he refused to show me the scars that happen to all males who’ve ever time-traveled to before they were 13 & had their testicles drop again. Put it this way: I wouldn’t vote for him, even if I could. But I can’t. I once committed a felony in 1774 that involved Ben Franklin’s prized turkey, a bucket of hot tar, & one very surprised Martha Jefferson. Anyways, before I incriminate myself further, on to the Week in Preview.

Today
Hyped from last night’s season premiere of the HBO series Entourage, ex-Lakers’ forward and current NBA free agent Adam Morrison begins recording video footage of him and his entourage, including the guy who doesn’t handle his money, the guy who doesn’t manage his groupies, the guy who doesn’t drive his multiple Mercedes’, the guy who doesn’t wash his game worn jerseys & the guy who who doesn’t have to protect him from the all-inquiring media. After viewing the first 45 minutes of footage, a disappointed Morrison gives up on the project, coldly stating “If people wanted to watch seven guys do nothing but sit on their asses, the Clippers would have fans.”
Wednesday, June 30
Upon his late realization that the state of California is voting to legalize marijuana in a November referendum, Miami Dolphins’ running back Ricky Williams surprises the organization by demanding a trade to either Oakland, San Diego, or San Francisco. Unfortunately for Ricky, actively requesting a trade to the Raiders is a clear sign to Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland that the dred-locked running back is currently high. Ireland promptly gives Ricky a drug test which he fails, causing him to be suspended for the entire 2010 season & eventually released by the Dolphins. Finding the Raiders, Chargers, & 49ers all uninterested in his services, a now free-agent Williams instead signs with the Jacksonville Jaguars, figuring they’ll be re-located to Los Angeles before the season is over anyway. Even more unfortunately for Ricky, he discovers nine months too late that the November referendum in California failed, and, more despondent than ever, resigns himself to lighting up a breakfast joint & watching six hours of Scooby Doo, because “that cat just understands me, man.” Upon being told that Scooby Doo is in fact a dog, Williams announces his retirement from the Los Angeles Jaguars, cries into his Fruit Loops & changes the station to “SpongeBob SquarePants,” announcing that he has forever sworn off cartoons in favor of historical fiction.
Friday, July 2
The highly controversial immigration law of Arizona is put to new use when Manny Ramirez is detained at the airport by state officials as the Los Angeles Dodgers arrive for their series against the Diamondbacks, despite Vicente Padilla, Ramon Troncoso & Rafael Furcal all being allowed entry without incident. It turns out that a little-known “Literal Usage” rider to the anti-Illegal Aliens bill also allows Arizona officials to stop & inspect “anyone reasonably believed to have originated not on this Earth.” Confronted with the large, bizarrely dressed & incoherently mumbling Ramirez, the officials cite his “unnatural hairstyle” as evidence of his Alien origins & threaten to deport the Hall-of-Fame slugger unless the Dodgers can produce a valid birth certificate. Unfortunately, Ramirez is from the Dominican Republic, & is promptly loaded into a space-cannon & fired into the Sun. Visibly shaken from the incident, former NBA guard & current Washington Wizards assistant coach Sam Cassell informs his boss Flip Saunders that he will not be attending the team’s yearly road game in Phoenix.
Sunday, July 4th
Darren Daulton celebrates a yearly Fourth of July tradition by time-seducing the greatest women in American history, finagling an AWESOME three-way with Susan B. Anthony and that chick with three boobs from Total Recall. As a result, Darren Daulton’s wife continues her own yearly tradition of being a total kvetch (for those wondering about the years that he wasn’t married, well, let’s just say that it turns out Ancient Egyptian wedding contracts are ridiculously difficult to break, & Cleopatra really knows how to hold a grudge).
That’s it for this week folks, I’ll be back to preview more tomfoolery after the Holiday. For those of you celebrating the birth date of our great Nation this weekend, do it like your forefathers did — get drunk, yell at your wives, & teabag the first British person you see. Trust me, that would be a better re-enactment than you think.
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Rob Sylvester is a former editor of the now defunct Style Points blog, as well as one of the creative minds behind the Jesus_M_Christ, PimpBillClinton, and Darren_Daulton twitter accounts.
Previously in Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview …