People of Earth: Welcome to our latest installment of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview. Just so you know, this isn’t really written by Darren Daulton … it’s from the similarly warped mind of Rob Sylvester, who is channeling the former Philadelphia Phillie’s dispatches from the future. Although Daulton didn’t actually write this, his belief in astral time travel and other metaphysical phenomenon is very real. That’s why we love him.
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By Darren_Daulton
Hey there time pals, and welcome to another edition of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview! Those of you still caught up in linear constructs of time might note that I was off last week. Let’s just say I found out that in some cultures, it’s still not fully accepted to run around completely naked covered in boar’s blood, & that my DutchLorean still has a few difficulties in determining the difference between “Athens, Georgia” & “Athens, Greece.” I would like to thank the fine campus security officers of the University of Georgia for their hospitality & Euripides for posting my bail. Now that guy knows how to party. Anyways, on to the week “ahead!”
Today
As preparation for Thursday night’s draft, new Nets owner & Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov dedicates his day to studying 3 of the draft’s top prospects — John Wall, Evan Turner, & Derrick Favors. Unfortunately, due to a small translation issue, Prokhorov actually spends his day listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” the entire musical catalog of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, and Derek & the Dominoes’ Greatest Hits CD. Prokhorov becomes enamored with John Wall’s athleticism, court vision, & kick-ass drum solos & at Tuesday night’s draft takes the podium himself to interrupt David Stern & announce that with the 3rd pick, the Nets select “John ‘Pinky Floyd’ Wall.”
When told by the Commissioner that the Wizards already selected Mr. Wall with the draft’s first pick, Prokhorov laughs nervously, scans the room at the Radio City Music Hall & slams his fist down into the podium, announcing in stilted English “Ha! No, but for serious, we take John Wall now.” Not wanting to rile the league’s newest celebrity owner or start an international incident, NBA officials simply place Derrick Favors in a John Wall jersey & assign him to the Nets, adding one more to the long list of people forced to live in New Jersey under an assumed name.
Tuesday, June 22
Fresh off the strife & in-fighting of their controversial week, the French soccer squad refuses to take the field against host nation South Africa, & continuing the trend of other instances in which French “forces” don’t show up, are summarily replaced by select members of the United States Marines. Despite little to no soccer experience, the Marines force a 1-1 draw heading into injury time & pull off the improbable victory when Staff Sergeant Michael Romero fires a ball into the South African goal via a shoudler-mounted rocket-launcher, which is ironically deemed legal by match referee Koman Coulibaly. In a sign of appreciation to the U.S., the French government sends a large care package of wines & cheeses to the Pentagon & offers to officially take blame for the War of 1812, the Bay of Pigs, the Teapot Dome Scandal, the city of Montreal, Celine Dion, Justin Bieber, Fran Drescher, polio, the films of Michael Bay, Justin Bieber’s haircut & the BP oil spill. The actual French soccer team is pilloried upon their return from the African continent as the story captivates the nation, right up until it’s time for everyone’s afternoon nap.
Friday, June 25
In a shocking development, more than 1,000 fans are on hand to watch the Washington Nationals take on the MLB-worst Baltimore Orioles at Camden Yards. Surprised at the much larger-than-expected turnout, Orioles’ staffers are sent into the stands to interview the new-found fans. To the organization’s dismay, it is quickly discovered that it was all a mix-up: due to the ongoing violent & comedic tragedy consisting of a cast of lovable but deeply flawed characters being defeated by the very system in which they operate, all taking place in Charm City, the fans were under the mistaken impression that HBO had brought back David Simon’s critically-acclaimed urban opus, The Wire. Fans were further confused when told they were actually at a baseball game, as one noted “Well, if Omar Little isn’t coming, why is everyone running around & pissing their pants in fear?” Orioles officials had no comment.
Sunday, June 27
Seeking to capitalize on the culture’s current love affair with vampires, the Oakland Raiders announce a special “Meet-and-Greet with Al Davis” Family Day at the Coliseum. Unfortunately, the event is quickly canceled when Mr. Davis accuses the first photograph taker of attempting to capture his demon soul & immediately drains a toddler of his blood content as a sign that he’s “not f****** around.” In a sad coincidence, a good sized portion of the Raiders’ elderly fan base was misdirected to a concurrently running, but separately organized “Meet-and-Greet with Count Chocula” Family Day in a rest stop on Route 110 but, unable to tell the difference, happily left with their autographed footballs in time to catch the 2:25 p.m. “Late-Arriver’s Supper” at Denny’s.
Well friends, that’s it for this installment of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview. Remember — save the polar bears, because we’re gonna need some sort of help against the polar anacondas. You heard it here first. Until “next” time!
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Rob Sylvester is a former editor of the now defunct Style Points blog, as well as one of the creative minds behind the Jesus_M_Christ, PimpBillClinton, and Darren_Daulton twitter accounts.
Previously on Week in Preview …
