People of Earth: Welcome to our latest installment of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview. Just so you know, this isn’t really written by Darren Daulton … it’s from the similarly warped mind of Rob Sylvester, who is channeling the former Philadelphia Phillie’s dispatches from the future. Although Daulton didn’t actually write this, his belief in astral time travel and other metaphysical phenomenon is very real. That’s why we love him.
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By Darren_Daulton
Hello there, Dutchies! I hope you all had a super fantastic weekend. Mine was particularly enjoyable as “Saturday” saw an enjoyable barbeque at my buddy Nero’s place, and on “Sunday” I tricked Yester-Dutch into doing all my time-chores by fooling him into thinking they would be fun (who would have ever thought of that?). Of course, the big weekend is the “next” one, Memorial Day Weekend, where we honor all the brave fallen soldiers from the Korean war, the Vietnamese War, World Wars I through VI, The Intergalactic Space Wars of 2082, the War on Drugs, the Alamo, the Space Alamo, and the Battle of the Network Stars. Rest in peace, heroes.
Tuesday, May 25.
In an effort to fight to the wear and tear of advancing age, tennis legend Roger Federer refrains from playing in his 2nd round match against Alejandro Falla, and instead sends out a Rolex-designed tennis playing robot in his place. Few notice the difference as the headbanded, efficient and emotionless machine slams home forehand winner after winner en route to winning the first two sets 6-2, 6-2.
However trouble strikes in the beginning of the 3rd set as rain starts to fall on Roland Garros, and the resulting wet clay badly short-circuits the TennisBot until it starts spinning and shrieking and shooting sparks in all directions, which the Parisian crowd mistakenly takes for an Andre Agassi impression. The confusion is cleared when the real Federer emerges to fix the malfunctioning robot and it returns to form, taking the 3rd and final set 6-3. Falla logs an immediate complaint with the ATP but is rejected promptly, because seriously, who the hell is Alejandro Falla? Following the match, the robot announces its retirement from tennis and is promptly re-programmed to serve as Keanu Reeves’ acting coach.
Wednesday, May 26.
Still mired in a contract dispute with the Tennessee Titans, NFL leading rusher & training camp holdout Chris Johnson exponentially increases his requests after viewing a VH1 program entitled “The 100 Most Demanding Diva Demands Ever Demanded.” Johnson informs the Titans that if they now wish to retain his services they will need to quadruple his contract, airbrush all blemishes off of any future team photos, design new dreadlock-friendly helmets, chemically alter all green M and M’s in the United States to red, have the Guinness Book of World Records verify him as the fastest man alive, kill Usain Bolt, and officially change the state song of Tennessee from “My Homeland Tennesee” to “Make it Rain.” Officials are ready to honor all of these requests except for the last, but a defiant Johnson refuses to compromise. At an impasse, the team simply cuts ties with CJ and re-acquires LenDale White from the Seahawks, who immediately announces he is holding out of his contract until the Titans agree to pay him in Hostess cakes. Elsewhere, while seated next to owner Al Davis at a press conference. Chris Johnson publicly signs a $100 million contract, and then tears both his ACLs standing up from his chair.
Friday, May 28.
Free agent WR Terrell Owens, still without a job, decides to take matters into his own hands and signs a contract for the veteran’s minimum with the Randallstown Ruff Riders of the Pee-Wee Football League of America. Although opposing parents have initial concerns regarding his eligiblity, they are quickly assuaged when reminded that although T.O. is physically a grown man, he still possesses the attitude & behavior of a 6-year-old. Unfortunately, T.O. leads the Pee-Wee league in drops through the first 4 weeks of the season and quickly develops chemistry issues with Tiny Tommy Tucker, the Ruff Riders’ QB and defending league MVP. Things come to a head in week 5, when a defiant Owens publicly accuses Tommy of calling his father (and team head coach) Russell Tucker a “poo-poo head” following a spirited practice the week before. After determining that his lackluster production could no longer warrant his levels of distraction, the Ruff Riders unceremoniously cut Owens the next morning. As usual, T.O. blames the situation on everyone but himself, and vows that he will return to the Pee-Wee league triumphantly, telling the small smattering of reporters in attendance at his farewell press conference to “get your orange slices ready.”
Sunday, May 30.
After being lustily booed last week for finishing 23rd in qualifying, racing starlet Danica Patrick gets out to a rousing start at the Indianapolis 500, leading the first 100 laps by several lengths before being forced to pit following a blown tire coming around the turn. Unfortunately for Patrick and her team, she catches the glare of two camera flashes while waiting in pit row and immediately jumps out of the car and begins to catwalk around the track, frequently stopping to flip her hair over her shoulder in the direction of precisely no one. Despite the wild gesticulations and screams of her crew to get back in the car and race, Patrick continues to work the camera and starts reading aloud a few lines so insipid that they could only be from a GoDaddy.com commerical. Mercifully, the charade comes to an end when Patrick’s stiletto heel gets caught in the track and she’s run over by Tony Kanaan. After the race, when asked to discuss the tragic accident, Kanaan blinks twice and replies “What accident?”
That’s all for another Week in Preview, kids. And just remember, if the police come looking, I’ve been here since 2004. Shalom!
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Rob Sylvester is a former editor of the now defunct Style Points blog, as well as one of the creative minds behind the Jesus_M_Christ, PimpBillClinton, and Darren_Daulton twitter accounts.
Previously on Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview …
