Week in Preview: Begun, the Western Conference Finals have

People of Earth: Welcome to our latest installment of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview. Just so you know, this isn’t really written by Darren Daulton … it’s from the similarly warped mind of Rob Sylvester, who is channeling the former Philadelphia Phillie’s dispatches from the future. Although Daulton didn’t actually write this, his belief in astral time travel and other metaphysical phenomenon is very real. That’s why we love him. Enjoy.
By Darren_Daulton
Summer’s finally here, folks, and I’m sure we’re all excited about our vacation plans. Personally, my favorite hotspots to hit are Pompeii, New Orleans, and Three Mile Island. Boy, I sure hope nothing bad ever happens to those places. On to the week ahead!
Monday, May 17
In an effort to psych out his Phoenix Suns opponents in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, Los Angeles Lakers forward & noted crazy man Ron Artest comes out for the game dressed as the most intimidating thing he can think of — intergalactic bounty hunter, Boba Fett. Encumbered by his suit of space armor, the aging Artest is even a step slower than usual and allows Suns forward Grant Hill to score an easy 18 points in the first half. However, the Lakers fortunes take a turn for the better when Artest is shot and killed during halftime by Suns back-up point guard Goran Dragic, who tragically thought that Boba Fett is a real person due to Star Wars having been mislabeled as a “documentary” in his native Yugoslavia. With a renewed defensive urgency in the second half, the Lakers go on to win the game by 15, and the madness of the evening leads Phil Jackson to openly discuss during his post-game comments the possibility of freezing Sasha Vujacic in a block of carbonite, before determining that no one would be able to tell the difference anyway.

Tuesday, May 18
New Nets’ owner & Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov arrives at the NBA draft lottery with $4,000 in scratch-off tickets and three handles of his “lucky vodka,” prompting immediate concerns of a translation error. This becomes further obvious when upon the Nets winning the lottery, Prokhorov states that he would like to take the lump sum payment and take one year of Magic Johnson instead of ten years of John Wall. The 2010-2011 Nets get off to a 4-22 start under the 50-year-old PG, and Prokhorov happily trades Magic to the Charlotte Bobcats for 2,000 pairs of acid washed jeans.
Thursday, May 20
Having already lost to the Brewers by scores of 20-0 & 17-3 this season, the Pittsburgh Pirates continue the long trend of failing to score runs by losing 28-1 in front of 800 fans at PNC Park. Following this latest embarrassment, Pirates ownership holds a press conference in which it announces that the solution to 18 years of ineptitude has been reached, and that, starting immediately, the Pittsburgh Pirates are a golf team. The Pirates, still being the Pirates, card a 112 in their first round of four-ball, at which point the team is just blown up..literally, as they were still inside the ballpark when it was leveled with C4 to create a parking lot for Ben Roethlisberger’s issues. Somewhere, Sid Bream smiles, and then goes back to his midnight shift at Denny’s.
Sunday, May 23rd
After amazingly qualifying for the PGA Byron Nelson Championship in Irving, TX, Dallas Cowboys’ quarterback Tony Romo finds himself holding a four-shot lead on the field of professionals with just three holes remaining, in perfect position to finish off one of the most improbable sports stories in recent memory. However, Romo double-bogeys both 16 and 17, and dramatically misses a 4-foot par putt on 18 to hand the Championship to Rory Sabbatini. Afterward, a visibly upset Romo claims to see “no parallel” between the late-round choke job and any aspect of his football career, despite a snapped photo of a dejected Romo sitting on the 18th green, crying & clutching his Taylor Made cap in both hands. Thankfully for Romo, the story only receives a few hours of coverage before being blown to the back pages after a shocking report emerges late Sunday night that Tiger Woods once had sex with a woman just because he could.
That’s all the previewing I have this week, folks; I hope you all found this as enlightening as I did. Now, I must remind you, Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview is for entertainment purposes only, and should under no circumstances be used to gamble, plan major life events, or impress chicks at parties. That’s what we have cell phone pictures of our penises for, right? (Most underrated invention in all of history, by the way. You would not believe how hard it is to accurately chisel a drawing of your junk on a stone tablet. I don’t know how Moses ever got laid). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go save yester-Dutch from a precarious situation involving mating season, two Kodiak bears, and a classic example of “right place, wrong space-time.” Until “next” week!
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Rob Sylvester is a former editor of the now defunct Style Points blog, as well as one of the creative minds behind the Jesus_M_Christ, PimpBillClinton, and Darren_Daulton twitter accounts.