Week in Preview: The first rule about Kentucky basketball is no one talks about Kentucky basketball

People of Earth: Welcome to our third installment of Darren Daulton’s Week in Preview. Just so you know, this isn’t really written by Darren Daulton … it’s from the similarly warped mind of Rob Sylvester, who is channeling the former Philadelphia Phillie’s dispatches from the future. Although Daulton didn’t actually write this, his belief in astral time travel and other metaphysical phenomenon is very real. He’s quite mad, you know. That’s why we love him. Enjoy.
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By Darren_Daulton
How’s it going, lil Dutchies? It’s been told to me that tax season just ended, with the final day being April 15th (though I can’t tell you how many conceptual problems I have with that sentence), so I thought I would tell you all a trick I learned to avoid such matters. I simply went to Target, bought a cabinet that looked to be made of balsa wood for about $15 today-dollars, took a ride in the DutchLorean to a few hundred years in the future & boom, I’m the proud owner of valuable antique furniture. I sold it for thousands, took a ride back to 50 years ahead of now, & immediately paid roughly 58.4 years of back taxes. Now I’m golden. The contemporary IRS man who keeps coming to my house seems to not be able to follow me on this, but since I’ve taken to opening the door wearing nothing but two tin-foil hats (if you catch my space-time drift), visitors seemed to have stopped altogether.
I’m guessing they finally got the letters from my lawyer, Tommy Jefferson, or they’ve seen one of my many, many public television appearances and realized I’m not just some dumb jock to mess with, but a master traveler of time. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m the Highlander. I’ve never been killed, so I can’t say that for sure, but I do know that a beheading would definitely do the trick, so we have that in common at least. Time will tell (doesn’t it always?). Anyways, before I incriminate my current self further, let’s move on to my official Week in Preview.

Tuesday, May 4th
At a preseason WNBA game between the San Antonio Silver Stars and the Chinese Women’s National Basketball Team, the 107 people in attendance become extremely supicious when more than 64 points are scored, and even further suspicious when at least 3 sets of male genitalia are seen dangling from gym shorts on the court. Noting the increased excitement levels of the game (evidenced by the blatant lack of napping), everyone involved collectively decides to ignore what they’ve just seen and enjoy the game. Always one to capitalize on raw foreign talent, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich immediately recruits and signs the Chinese team’s 6’7″ center, He-She She, who then averages 8.2 ppg and 5.1 rpg off the bench in the Spurs’ Western Conference Finals upset of the Lakers. The next week, after some compromising cell phone photos of She surface on the internet from a long night out in Qingdao, Greg Oden is disappointed to discover he has been downgraded to third-biggest junk in the league, behind She and Jeff Van Gundy. You heard me.
Wednesday, May 5th
It is revealed that Kentucky Wildcats’ head coach John Calipari has spent much of his off-season time engaged in a super secret and illegal underground fight club, supplementing the group’s budget with night-time raids on lard shops to assist in the black-market production of soap. Calipari is also found to have participated in guerilla-style attacks on credit card companies and other financial institutions, all under the watchful eye of one Tyler Durden. These violations become known when Calipari himself holds a press conference to openly discuss the fight club and their activities, complete with Powerpoint Slides, home surveillance footage of the last round of fights, and a signed, sworn statement detailing all aspects of his involvement. When made aware by a reporter in attendance that everything Calipari just discussed constitutes a series of major NCAA violations, Calipari immediately backtracks and claims to have never heard of any Fight Club, or anyone named Tyler Durden, and that the reporter in question actually called this press conference so that he could speak to Calipari. The NCAA quickly accepts Calipari’s version of events, and Kentucky temporarily wins the next 3 NCAA championships. Oh, and for those of you who are saying that Tyler Durden isn’t a real person, then who did I have dinner with next Tuesday in Dubai? You don’t know? Exactly.
Thursday, May 6th
Sent into the off-season earlier than expected, Washington Capitals’ LW and NHL star Alexander Ovechkin makes good use of his time by reading to local schoolchildren in Prince George’s county, Maryland. The youth reading endeavor gets off to a rousing start as Ovechkin expertly navigates a choose-your-own-adventure with the class, deftly crossing crocodile swamps and consistently selecting the correct rope bridges to reach the next chapter. However, it’s not long before disaster strikes. Faced with the last set of decisions on how to arrive at the story’s climactic face-off with the protagonist’s pirate opponent, Ovechkin begins to cry and curse in Russian, before ultimately setting the book ablaze and crawling into a fetal position on the floor of the 2nd-grade classroom. Capitals’ defenseman Mike Green stomps out the flames on the book, revealing that Ovechkin’s reaction was due to the main character choking on a fig and falling off a cliff on his way to the final show-down. Green, phased by his team captain crying uncontrollably on the floor, quickly returns to playoff form and fails to put a shot on goal.
Saturday, May 8th
Darren Daulton receives his worst reaction to an April Fool’s joke ever, when he’s arrested for lacing the pipes at the Chester Water Authority with LSD. He regrets nothing, and vows to be released in a few months in order to celebrate New Year’s with his family.
That’s it for another Week in Preview, everyone! I have to let you all know now how much fun I’m having doing this (while also fulfilling a few community service hours stemming from my last joy-ride with 80′s Dykstra), and remind you all that you can send me questions at my Darren_Daulton twitter account if you have any queries or concerns about the times we’re living in (or any other). Questions will most certainly not be answered in the order they’re received. Godspeed friends.
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Rob Sylvester is a former editor of the now defunct Style Points blog, as well as one of the creative minds behind the Jesus_M_Christ, PimpBillClinton, and Darren_Daulton twitter accounts.
Previously in Darren_Dauton’s Week in Preview … .