Pittsburgh columnist creates definitive Roethlisberger Glossary

It’s a tough time to be a journalist in charge of disseminating the sports news to the Pittsburgh public right now, especially as it pertains to the beloved Steelers. Instead of focusing on the upcoming NFL draft and all the other miscellaneous bits of news, speculation and conjecture that typifies an NFL team even during the offseason, it’s all “Ben Roethlisberger, Horndogger Extraordinaire,” all the time.
Believe me, I kind of know how that goes. During the humiliating Love Boat scandal, you couldn’t turn on sports talk radio, read a local newspaper or attend a germaphobe supaport group in this town without hearing about the Vikings and their hypersexed party on Lake Minnetonka. Frankly, it was profoundly annoying, yet the media had no choice but to report the debaucherous goings-on that transpired on that ill-fated October evening.
Same thing goes for the Pittsburgh media. But one shining knight among Pittsburgh’s local media rose about the fray to provide some much-needed perspective. Instead of reporting the same tired details over and over, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review columnist Eric Heyl took it upon himself to come up with a Ben Roethlisberger Glossary to better assist the casual reader in understanding exactly what the heck must have been going through the mind of the city’s beleaguered franchise quarterback.

Below are some of the highlights from Heyl’s hilariously absurd glossary:

• Apology (noun): An insincere expression of regret people often are ordered to make by their bosses, after the boss yelled at them all day for things that aren’t even their fault.
• Bodyguard (noun): An off-duty police officer or officers hired to make one’s bimbos feel safe and secure. (e.g. “Don’t worry about your girlfriends interrupting our time alone, honey. My bodyguards will keep them away.”)
• Chivalry (noun): A display of gallantry toward women. (e.g. “That bimbo was so wasted after doing all of those tequila shots that I thought she might fall and hit her head. So in an act of chivalry, I followed her into the bathroom to make sure she was OK.”)
• Contrition (noun): An arithmetic operation, much like addition and subtraction.
• Haircut (noun): A high-risk invasive procedure that, because of its danger, should be attempted only in anticipation of meeting with the National Football League commissioner.
• Shaving (verb): A complex and dangerous exercise in which whiskers are forcefully cut and removed from the face and neck with a razor; like a haircut, this should be attempted immediately prior to a confirmed meeting with the NFL commissioner.
• Suspension: (noun): A temporary and not necessarily unpleasant period in which one’s pursuit of entertaining activities is uninterrupted by occupational obligations. (e.g. “Since I can’t play today because of my suspension, anyone want to go down to McFadden’s with me and troll for bimbos? Drinks are on me!”)

Brilliant. Well played, Mr. Heyl. We need more soldiers like you on the journalistic front. Keep it up.
And to clarify, I did not meant it that way when I used the phrase “keep it up.” Jeez, stop being so dang Roethlisbergian. It’s not always about horndoggerish nonsense, regardless of what Big Ben apparently thinks.
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A glossary to help you understand Big Ben Roethlisberger [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]
Adrift On Lake Woebegone [S.I.]