Morning Tweet: Bodily fluids flow like wine at Lance Armstrong sleepovers

When kids go to the Armstrong’s house for a slumber party, they never know just what might happen. Popcorn? Check. Pizza rolls? Maybe. A scary movie? Whatever showed up from Netflix. Government agents showing up asking for blood and urine? Absolutely.
A sleepover at Lance Armstrong’s house turned, as the cyclist puts in in his tweet – :awkward” – when agents from the nation’s anti-doping gestapo showed up at his doorstep requesting samples of his precious bodily fluids. Said an agent for the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA for short): “We can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”
Okay, no one actually said that. Well, Captain Brigadier General Jack Ripper did in Dr. Strangelove: or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb but he’s like, a character in a movie and stuff. Still, I can say that Lance Armstrong is a card-carrying Commie. Go ride your bike to Siberia, comrade.
It’s the last day of the weekend, kiddos. That’s why I’m easy. I’m easy like Sunday morning, yeah. I should also mention that I wanna be high, so high. Because it’s a line in the song, people. Settle down.

ABOUT LAST NIGHT…

What you missed while wasting the day away watching your topless gardener working…
* Here’s a “blow by blow” account from a person who personally witnessed the Vomitgate atrocity.
* Ted Ginn might want to lay off Twitter for a spell. Put the laptop down, dude.
* The lovely and talented Stephanie Wei sticks up for Tiger Woods in a special column for ESPN. Congrats on the righteous gig, m’lady.
* The Onion Headline of the Day: Scientists Finally Prove What Area Dad Has Been Saying For Years

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TODAY IN HAGAR THE HORRIBLE…:
Oh, Hagar. Why do you always have to be so horrible???