But does it got electrolytes, like Brawndo?

Thank goodness, another sports drink!
That’s right, folks. If you thought the sports beverage market was saturated before, wait until you hear about the hydration qualities of the Next Big Thing. Soon to hit the market and stocking the shelves at a store near you, allow me to introduce you fine people to the Aqiss Vitality Drink. As you can plainly see, it is The Best Hydration Drink On The Planet. Period. The “Best” is in red, so you know it’s good.
And for all of you naysayers out there who believe the world does not need another newfangled sports drink, would it change your opinion if I told you Mr. Brooklyn Decker will be endorsing this fine product? Er, I mean Andy Roddick. You know, that tennis player guy.
Just in case you were curious, yes, Aqiss does have electrolytes, just like Brawndo. And a bunch of other crazy stuff that makes it a far superior beverage than other sports drinks, or water, for that matter. When’s the last time water has done anything worthwhile for you anyway? Screw that liquid, man. Hey water, newsflash: it’s over. So do us all a favor and shove it up your ice!

Via Sports Biz With Darren Rovell:

Company officials say that they have a patent-pending biotechnology that involves something called nano-encapsulated “payloads,” filled with electrolytes and antioxidants, that deliver the drink’s nutrients faster than any other sports beverage. The encapsulation process, they say, results in the drink getting into the bloodstream faster and protects it from the acidic stomach, which can destroy the necessary nutrients before they are absorbed.

“We’re moving hydration to the next level,” said Rudy Prajza, the company president, who has been in the beverage business previously as the worldwide account director for Coca-Cola while working at advertising agency McCann-Erickson. “Aqiss is essentially an oral IV. We start to see full absorption in minutes.”

Interesting stuff, to be sure. It’s described with all those fancy, pseudo-scientific words that no one understands so no one questions them, like “nano-encapsulated payloads” and “oral IV” and “absorption.”
And would you look at that? Aqiss even has its own Facebook page! Neato!
So, why have Andy Roddick endorse your beverage, you ask? It’s simple, really. The guy sweats like a whore in church.

“I sweat like three times more than average human does for whatever reason,” said Roddick, who has been using the product since this year’s Australian Open. “I was definitely looking for something that could help with that and I haven’t used anything better. It gets into my system much faster. I can feel it.”

Boy, do I know how that goes. You should see the perspiration level hit darn near tropical storm levels when I am forced to get up out of my papasan to locate the dang remote. I’m like a friggin’ turtle on its back trying to climb out of that thing.
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Roddick To Endorse New Sports Beverage [Sports Biz With Darren Rovell]