In which Marion Jones is signed by the WNBA Tulsa Shock, causing our Jelisa Castrodale to uncharacteristically throw her laptop down the stairs. So if there are typos, it’s from the bouncing. Here’s your Thursday Jelisahol; a bit early this week!
By Jelisa Castrodale
Humans are inherently social creatures, with almost every day bringing a new innovation designed to help us reconnect with others or allowing us to remain aware of our friends without the need for a ladder and night vision goggles. That said, there are still a number of things that we keep to ourselves, those squirm-inducing activities we do only behind deadbolted doors and tightly pulled curtains; whether it’s singing along to Air Supply or ordering anything from SkyMall or following the WNBA.
Yesterday, the WNBA made unavoidable headlines for something other than going into debt or making layups when the Tulsa Shock announced that they were signing former Olympic sprinter and convicted felon Marion Jones to a one year contract. Despite her admitted steroid use and possible prison tattoos, it’s not super-surprising that she would end up with a pro sports franchise; I just assumed it would’ve been the Bengals.
Although Jones won a national title with UNC in 1994, she hasn’t played competitive basketball since 1997. That means that the last time Jones wore a uniform that wasn’t issued by the state, Princess Diana was alive, Celine Dion was popular and we thought Ben Affleck was the smart one. So does it matter that she’s more than a decade out of practice? Do people watch the WNBA for the skill level and expertise of the players listed in the program? That’s a trick question. People don’t watch the WNBA, period.
The fact is that putting the word “women’s” in front of a noun seems to automatically relegate it to the novelty bin, whether it’s women’s basketball, women’s hockey or women’s suffrage. For the WNBA, a league that hemmorhages money — an estimated $1.5 million per year — this kind of headscratcher grabs headlines for an afternoon but it won’t garner long-term interest, secure additional fans, or encourage anyone to linger on ESPN2 for more a few seconds before they flip to another episode of “The World’s Funniest Colonoscopies.”
During yesterday’s press conference, WNBA president Donna Orender said that “Having somebody like [Jones] associated with our league is positive.” Really, Donna? Because every article that I double-clicked inevitably described her as the “disgraced sprinter” who was forced to return her gold medals like they were a stack of overdue library books. The only “positive” I can think of is that Jones might be willing to be paid in cigarettes and clean pillowcases.
Stunts like signing Jones or allowing then fifty-year old Nancy Lieberman to play two games don’t bring credibility to the league any more than Wile E. Coyote’s handmade ‘Super Genius’ business cards made it less likely for his skull to get crushed by an anvil. That said, there will be people interested in seeing Marion Jones play basketball, led by the same kind of curiosity that leads you to pull a crumpled wad of dollars out of your pocket so you can see the Snake Girl at the Dixie Classic Fair. And, just like seeing a poorly stitched reptile on a velvet pillow, it’ll be less than you expected, reasonably disappointing and more than a little depressing.
As she wrapped up the announcement yesterday, Orender said that she “join[s] the rest of America in wanting to watch this story unfold.” I’m not sure exactly where that part of America is — probably wedged somewhere between Narnia and an unterrifying Walmart bathroom — but if it indeed exists, you can guarantee they’ll be watching from behind closed doors.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, covers music for London’s BitchBuzz and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers.
Also by Jelisa Castrodale …
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- Jewell - Mar 11, 2010 at 9:36 PM
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Rick, for starters she hasn’t done anything that your white boys in baseball haven’t done. Both your boys Mark McGuire and A Rod got a second chance. Did you miss the part of him getting convicted for a felony also? So Marion is not the first and she did her time now let her move on. Someday I hope you have a daughter as talented as Marion, trust me you would give her more than what Marion took. So some of us should never throw stones if we live in glass houses. Peace!!
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- Harlem 1 - Mar 11, 2010 at 11:11 PM
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she “join[s] the rest of America in wanting to watch this story unfold.” I’m not sure exactly where that part of America is –
I guess there’s a good reason to write a “mean” piece because its a produces cheap laughs.
The mother of 3 is deserving of a second chance, like Petite, Giambi and others.
After only 3 years w/the Tarheels (a national championship) Jones was named to the ACC’s 50th Anniversary women’s basketball team. Not too shabby.
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- jerzee - Mar 12, 2010 at 1:41 AM
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**Comment removed due to excessive douchebaggery**
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- TC - Mar 12, 2010 at 2:34 AM
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Marion Jones has every right to earn a living at what ever she wants to, she does not need your approval to provide for her family in anyway,she has paid her debt and should not have relive the tragic past that she has done everything possible leave in the past.Assholes like you continue to bring it back up,itS obvious that your biggest mistake in life was being born..GET A LIFE !!!
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- skip7 - Mar 12, 2010 at 8:01 AM
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I think Jelisa needs to get her smug attitude and throw it down the stairs with her laptop. Whether it’s a publicity stunt to sign Ms. Jones or not, Jelisa comes across like Ms. Jones doesn’t deserve a chance at finding a life after she’s paid the price for her past problems. Tell me, Jelisa, would you be happy if Marion Jones, her “possible prison tats” and all, were homeless? I’ll actually have to read your “chronicle of failures”…I have the feeling that the word “hypocrite” might come into play here. You’re a comedian? Not funny.
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- kejji - Mar 12, 2010 at 8:11 AM
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So she should never work again because she is an ex felon? What is the matter with you?
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- Craig - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:28 AM
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You people are idiots. The focus of the article is the failure of the WNBA over rediculous publicity stunts, not Marion Jones’ ability to make a living. Can anyone say “reading comprehension”?
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- Craig - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:41 AM
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You people are idiots. The focus of the article is the WNBAs disgraceful use of publicity stunts, not Marion Jones’ ability to make a living. Can anyone say “reading comprehension”??
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- JokesMakeMeSadAndAngry - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:41 AM
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I’ve got a sneaking suspicion all of the comments above are written by the same drunk leprechaun. Get a life little man!
Retards like Marion and other steroid abusers are ruining professional sports. Why give any of these weasels a second chance?
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- the interpreter - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:42 AM
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“marion jones is an ex-con and an ex-user and she shouldnt be allowed….”
interpreted
“how is this beautiful black woman so talented she is a PROFESSIONAL in multiple sports and i’m hack writer with no skills in nothing so I have accepted defeat and PLEDGE to voluntarily spread thinly veiled racist crap.”
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- Mr. Laugh'n A. Tu - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:42 AM
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Wow Jelisa…..i bet you never expected to get any of those replies to your article. Although I’d like to jump on the band wagon and tell you about yourself as they did, I believe the comments above say enough. Please do not throw yourself down the stairs now, there is always tomorrow. Try again! Have a nice day…..
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- Lighten Up - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:45 AM
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Its not whether or not Marion Jones has “the right to earn a living” for her poor family. It’s that the WNBA is acting like she is some super star that is going to save the league. This seems more like a bad MTV reality show than a sports league. Love you Jelisa!
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- Mr. Laugh'n A. Tu - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:47 AM
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Who’s the idiot? Refer to the title of the article Craig. You need a reading comprehension “Refresher”….
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- johnnyhandsome913 - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:48 AM
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if this athlete were WHITE, the story would be about how she made some bad choices but she didnt give up and we should commend her because she didnt stick her head in the sand and GOSH how talented she is and SUPER she can be a positive role model to kids by openly sharing her story and blah blah blah blah.
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- the interpreter - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:50 AM
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** Message removed. If your only reason for commenting is to call another commenter names, may I suggest talk radio? **
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- Rick Chandler - Mar 12, 2010 at 10:51 AM
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While I’ll admit that the byline situation on this piece was rather confusing, it shouldn’t be THAT hard to figure out. Others certainly didn’t seem to have a problem. Also, agree with the piece or not, those who say that there weren’t some classic, funny lines in the article are living in denial.
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- Mr. Laugh'n A. Tu - Mar 12, 2010 at 11:01 AM
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You tell’m Johnny…..that would absolutely be the case if Ms. Jones were white
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- Mr. Laugh'n A. Tu - Mar 12, 2010 at 11:09 AM
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Rick,
You can’t be serious? There was nothing funny about Jelisa’s article. You cannot tell me that this was a piece on the WNBA and a publicity stunt because all she did was BASH Ms. Jones. You, my friend are in denial.
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- the interpreter - Mar 12, 2010 at 11:10 AM
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how dare you comment on my commenting to another commenter!
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- Paul in KY - Mar 12, 2010 at 11:12 AM
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Ms. Jones has a right to pursue a career in any job that will have her (I’m assuming her probation doesn’t stop her from trying certain careers, such as working in a steriods lab, etc.).
That said, she is a POS, cheating, loser who has repeatedly lied about the extent of her steroid usage. She disgraced the USA & caused a few steroid-fre women to lose their relay medals. I personally wouldn’t watch her do anything (non-porn related), until she has fessed up.
I have no problems with Coach Richardson having her on his team & talking her up. That’s his job. He doesn’t recruit them in the pros & if she’s on your team, you have to make the best of it.
I think the league should test her for PEDs, she’s getting older & she knows how to get in shape (wink, wink).
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- JordanCornblog - Mar 12, 2010 at 12:22 PM
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Where’s the honor (or humor) in making fun of people (or leagues, for that matter) when they are down. I read the piece because I am interested in Marion Jones and in the WNBA … so by definition I am pretty riduculous, too. So ha, ha. Does anyone else feel like this is grade school stuff? I came away unimpressed with the cheap shots, lack of wit, and downright mean-spirited nastiness here. What’s the point, Jelisa? Seriously. Are you okay?
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- Huston - Mar 12, 2010 at 12:35 PM
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They give all the other athletes second chances. What is the lady supposed to do sit down and go broke? She could have just kept her mouth shut and not said anything but she came clean. Now its time to move on and let this young African American woman make a living. Come on Rick you should of went positive with this one not negative. It makes you look like a hater.
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- Huston - Mar 12, 2010 at 12:42 PM
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They give all the other athletes second chances. What is the lady supposed to do sit down and go broke? She could have just kept her mouth shut and not said anything but she came clean. Now its time to move on and let this young African American woman make a living. Come on Rick you should of went positive with this one not negative. It makes you look like a hater.
Correction I meant Jelisa Castrodale sorry Rick
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- Rick Chandler - Mar 12, 2010 at 1:08 PM
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Well, we disagree. But at least we’re still friends. That’s the main thing.
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- Jonathan - Mar 12, 2010 at 2:02 PM
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Hey Craig who’s the idiot? Where did you learn how to spell? It’s ridiculous not rediculous. Reading comprehension? How correct spelling?
As far as the double standard of this article, let Marion make it happen. If she gets a shot at the WNBA then so be it.
