In which Marion Jones is signed by the WNBA Tulsa Shock, causing our Jelisa Castrodale to uncharacteristically throw her laptop down the stairs. So if there are typos, it’s from the bouncing. Here’s your Thursday Jelisahol; a bit early this week!
By Jelisa Castrodale
Humans are inherently social creatures, with almost every day bringing a new innovation designed to help us reconnect with others or allowing us to remain aware of our friends without the need for a ladder and night vision goggles. That said, there are still a number of things that we keep to ourselves, those squirm-inducing activities we do only behind deadbolted doors and tightly pulled curtains; whether it’s singing along to Air Supply or ordering anything from SkyMall or following the WNBA.
Yesterday, the WNBA made unavoidable headlines for something other than going into debt or making layups when the Tulsa Shock announced that they were signing former Olympic sprinter and convicted felon Marion Jones to a one year contract. Despite her admitted steroid use and possible prison tattoos, it’s not super-surprising that she would end up with a pro sports franchise; I just assumed it would’ve been the Bengals.
Although Jones won a national title with UNC in 1994, she hasn’t played competitive basketball since 1997. That means that the last time Jones wore a uniform that wasn’t issued by the state, Princess Diana was alive, Celine Dion was popular and we thought Ben Affleck was the smart one. So does it matter that she’s more than a decade out of practice? Do people watch the WNBA for the skill level and expertise of the players listed in the program? That’s a trick question. People don’t watch the WNBA, period.
The fact is that putting the word “women’s” in front of a noun seems to automatically relegate it to the novelty bin, whether it’s women’s basketball, women’s hockey or women’s suffrage. For the WNBA, a league that hemmorhages money — an estimated $1.5 million per year — this kind of headscratcher grabs headlines for an afternoon but it won’t garner long-term interest, secure additional fans, or encourage anyone to linger on ESPN2 for more a few seconds before they flip to another episode of “The World’s Funniest Colonoscopies.”
During yesterday’s press conference, WNBA president Donna Orender said that “Having somebody like [Jones] associated with our league is positive.” Really, Donna? Because every article that I double-clicked inevitably described her as the “disgraced sprinter” who was forced to return her gold medals like they were a stack of overdue library books. The only “positive” I can think of is that Jones might be willing to be paid in cigarettes and clean pillowcases.
Stunts like signing Jones or allowing then fifty-year old Nancy Lieberman to play two games don’t bring credibility to the league any more than Wile E. Coyote’s handmade ‘Super Genius’ business cards made it less likely for his skull to get crushed by an anvil. That said, there will be people interested in seeing Marion Jones play basketball, led by the same kind of curiosity that leads you to pull a crumpled wad of dollars out of your pocket so you can see the Snake Girl at the Dixie Classic Fair. And, just like seeing a poorly stitched reptile on a velvet pillow, it’ll be less than you expected, reasonably disappointing and more than a little depressing.
As she wrapped up the announcement yesterday, Orender said that she “join[s] the rest of America in wanting to watch this story unfold.” I’m not sure exactly where that part of America is — probably wedged somewhere between Narnia and an unterrifying Walmart bathroom — but if it indeed exists, you can guarantee they’ll be watching from behind closed doors.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, covers music for London’s BitchBuzz and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers.
Also by Jelisa Castrodale …
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- MTL - Mar 12, 2010 at 2:45 PM
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Craig,
This paragraph is Jelisa putting down Marion Jones.
“During yesterday’s press conference, WNBA president Donna Orender said that “Having somebody like [Jones] associated with our league is positive.” Really, Donna? Because every article that I double-clicked inevitably described her as the “disgraced sprinter” who was forced to return her gold medals like they were a stack of overdue library books. The only “positive” I can think of is that Jones might be willing to be paid in cigarettes and clean pillowcases.”
Did you miss that in your speed reading class. The article is designed to thoroughly trash an individual who has paid her debt to society. Further, I didn’t see ANYWHERE in your post, about McGwire going on in his new career even though he used steroids, and while they weren’t illegal then (as they are now), McGwire is CLEARLY disgraced. Your objectivity, or lack thereof, is so transparent and ridiculous, you might as well have screamed “I’m for white athletes breaking the law and not getting caught, but not blacks”. How pathetic….both you and your ridiculous post are.
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- James - Mar 12, 2010 at 5:18 PM
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Jalisa, you really need help. Takes a lot to make me nearly speechless, and you are so smug I can’t read past the first three paragraphs. I watch the WNBA. I’m a dude. And you are really, very offensive, and more importantly, need to go back to journalism school. Try Northwestern. Oh, and Jones made some serious mistakes that she has paid for, save your comments until she plays.
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- JC - Mar 13, 2010 at 1:30 PM
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Everyone deserves a second chance.
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- dimwitdoc - Mar 13, 2010 at 10:57 PM
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GREAT article Jelisa! It is about a failed athlete and a failed league. Nowhere does it say Ms. Jones shouldn’t have the job, just that she is a loser being (failingly) exploited by other losers. And it’s frickin’ hilarious to boot. Anyone who interprets any of it as racist is, well, racist. Keep up the good work!
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- Coach Balfour - Mar 14, 2010 at 10:39 AM
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As a long time coach and the father of 3 girls (that play ball) I choose to see Jones’ life as an excellent opportunity to teach my girls valuable lessons. Jones made a mistake – my daughters make mistakes, I make mistakes. But I’m thankful for the opportunity for redemption. Jones made a mistake, and she paid dearly for it. Her mistake doesn’t negate all the hard work she put for all those years. It would be interesting if 1 of your mistakes could be exposed and written about with the same hateful passion you used.
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- Natalie - Mar 14, 2010 at 3:37 PM
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I find Jalisa’s comments pretty harsh, but of more concern to me, as a WNBA fan, is the cheap and easy meme of how “nobody watches the WNBA.” Not very original.
We WNBA fans are out here, watching. We love our teams, we love this league — many of us for 13 years running now. So stop assuming that the league is constantly on the verge of destruction, and stop perpetuating that bulls**t. I grant you that the WNBA is by no means financially secure, but it is also not “hemorrhaging” money. $1.5 million a year? That’s one journeyman’s yearly salary in the NBA. Seriously! We are in the midst of what was nearly described as the next “Great Depression” – everyone is struggling. Some perspective, please? Marion Jones will make ~$30,000 if she gets a spot. That’s a standard rookie salary, so she’s not doing this for the money the league will give her. Didn’t David Stern recently say that the NBA would lose $400 million this year, and had lost hundreds of millions for several years prior? And you think he cares if the WNBA loses $1.5 million a year? That’s laughable.
As for Marion Jones, I don’t begrudge her a second chance at whatever she chooses to do, but I’m not convinced she will make the final squad after not having played bball for so long, and I’m not sure I like this move on the part of the Shock or the league.
I am concerned that she will take the spot of a more deserving player who doesn’t have her “sideshow” appeal. But that’s life, isn’t it?
I also imagine that her relay partners from Sydney who had to return their medals because of her steroid use might feel far less generous.
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- Warren Evans - Mar 14, 2010 at 10:59 PM
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Why do anyone has to be a role model for someone? This role model thing has gone too far. Marion Jones just want to play basketball so she can put food on the table for her family. She does not want to raise anyone else children so please get off this rold model thing.
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- seadog - Mar 15, 2010 at 11:52 AM
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Do you think the WNBA is the only league that engages in promotional stunts?
What did you think of signing a minor league contract for one day to retire as a Red Sox? He, under serious suspicion of PED abuse, who left the team in a huff. That wasn’t a stunt?
Or all the giveaways in MLB as promotions to put your behind in the seat? Not a promotion?
What ever made you think that these leagues are not a business? The model means you have to make money to pay the players?
As for Jones personally, at least she paid her price. When are we going to see known steroids abusers who have made millions, like Mark McGwire, take a real hit? Or A-Rod. Better yet, how about someone else who lied to federal investigators, Barry Bonds – he still hasn’t had his day in court.
Typical double-standard of women against women. Marion Jones made some very poor choices that caused her, her family, her friends, and teammates to suffer — but she paid a huge price in terms of her freedom, financially, etc. Are we going to punish her until the end of her days when the legal system is already done with her? Hey, Michael Vick already has a big new contract, why aren’t you whining about it? Killing dogs to support your illegal dog fighting and gambling activities is much worse in my book.
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- Petros - May 14, 2010 at 5:07 PM
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Jelisa Castrodale is an idiot; typical reaction of a couch potato fan club. Steroid doesn’t give you instant talent; you have to be be dedicated and train your ass off when you use it. You have to put in many hard hours workout just to see any result. Marion has the work ethic to be the best sprinter in the world and I think she has the work ethic to be the best point guard of the league. She probably is one of the fastest one right now. I hate what the NBA has become; everything is about stats. Stats are only for looser and fans. Looser can only be proud of how many individual stuff they did but never can claim how many games the have won for the team. Fan can relate to stats because they don’t really know what it takes to play and compete.
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- Tyler White - May 24, 2010 at 1:12 PM
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I agree I am a high school student and this is very inspiring to me to know that even though she has made a mistake she is able to over come it and have hope its just like god even though we all make mistakes he gives us grace and mercey and we are able to repent and try again:)
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- Domo640 - Aug 9, 2010 at 4:40 AM
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Marion Jones Is The Best. If She Hadn’t Taken The Steroids She Still Would’ve Won. But Since She Did. Ok. She’s Paid The Price. Lets Move On. Whoever Wants To Put Somebody Else Down Must Not Be That Great In The First Place. – Craig – Everybody Gets That The Article Was To Put Down The WNBA. That Doesnt Mean This Dumb Lady Had To Put Down Another Humanbeing In The Process. And Not Only Is She Putting Down Marion Jones. She’s Also Putting Down All The Women That Love The WNBA. So With That Being Said. The Lady That Wrote This And You Can Both Go Fall Off The Goldengate Bridge. Very Proud Of Marion Jones.
P.S. Marion, I Hope Your Enjoying Your Life To The Fullest.
Domo640
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- me 0610 - Sep 28, 2010 at 10:29 AM
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what up yo
