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Morning Tweet: The Pizza Whisperer is an a******

Jan 12, 2010, 9:00 AM EDT

You may say this has nothing to do with sports, but I eat a lot of pizza while watching various televised games, and this needs to be said: The Pizza Whisperer is a dou******g. The latest Round Table commercial sent me over the edge, and you know the one I mean. The Pizza Whisperer, wearing a smug look and a creepy sweater that screams registered sex offender, strolls into a competing pizza joint to torment the unfortunate teenager who’s manning the counter. He then orders a distasteful combination of stale crust, processed cheese and watery sauce (the “five-dollar special”), self-righteously snickering the entire time, while his companion — a future Kate Goselin with no dialogue — flashes her wedding ring to fend off non-existent advances by the kid. What a couple of a*******.
Note to the woman: Your husband must be a real prize if you’re reduced to working at a pizza joint. When’s he up for parole? Note to the Pizza Whisperer: You may think you’re flying high now, but in five years that kid behind the counter will own a successful software company, while your messy suicide will lead the evening news. Yes, Pizza Whisperer, you will die broke and alone, probably on the toilet, as your precious toppings look on from the kitchen counter and laugh. Your love for them was unrequited, as you finally, tragically realize at the end.
There is no hand-rolled crust in hell, Pizza Whisperer. Only tragic regret.
This week only, Tuesday features cheese baked right into the crust. Enjoy.

ABOUT LAST NIGHT …

What you missed while developing another weapon to fight the war on Christmas …

* Oh sure, now everyone’s on the Cardinals bandwagon. Where were you when my 49ers were beating them, twice?

* Yes, the Pizza Whisperer has a Facebook page. As if you had to ask.

* Headline of the decade so far.

***
TODAY IN MARK TRAIL …
“Make it snappy, Betty Boop. I have to catch the 5 o’clock duck.”

  1. Threat Level: Midnight - Jan 12, 2010 at 10:03 AM

    The Pizza Whisperer vs. the construction workers from the Five Dollar Footlong commercials, fight to the death. The winner will also be killed.

  2. Dan - Jan 12, 2010 at 10:53 AM

    My vote’s for a Pizza Whisperer, Geico Lady murder-suicide.

  3. Brett - Jan 20, 2010 at 8:16 PM

    Are you aware these are actors playing characters? You talk like the Pizza Whisperer, the woman, and the dude behind the counter are actually living the lives of the characters outside of this commercial. The “unfortunate teenageer” behind the counter has probably already made over $5,000 in residuals from the commercial. And the woman who you assume is married to a felon because she works at a pizza joint is an actress probably making more by sitting on her ass watching her commercial air than you will in your lifetime, especially because you apparently waste your time making up stories about their “characters” and what will become of them. I can guarantee you that Pizza Whisperer guy who I’ve seen in at least 6 of their commercials will not “die alone and broke”…look it up online, buddy. I just did. He’s married with children, so the whole child predator thing, yeah, not so much. And the whole broke thing, go to sag.org and check out union actors’ rates and residual fees. As a fellow actor, I felt the need to write and respond to your ignorant post. But the real funny part is your post could actually be seen as a compliment since the three actors obviously did a good job playing their characters since you only see them in that regard and not as human beings. Get a sense of humor. Seriously.