Jan 12, 2010, 9:00 AM EDT
You may say this has nothing to do with sports, but I eat a lot of pizza while watching various televised games, and this needs to be said: The Pizza Whisperer is a dou******g. The latest Round Table commercial sent me over the edge, and you know the one I mean. The Pizza Whisperer, wearing a smug look and a creepy sweater that screams registered sex offender, strolls into a competing pizza joint to torment the unfortunate teenager who’s manning the counter. He then orders a distasteful combination of stale crust, processed cheese and watery sauce (the “five-dollar special”), self-righteously snickering the entire time, while his companion — a future Kate Goselin with no dialogue — flashes her wedding ring to fend off non-existent advances by the kid. What a couple of a*******.
Note to the woman: Your husband must be a real prize if you’re reduced to working at a pizza joint. When’s he up for parole? Note to the Pizza Whisperer: You may think you’re flying high now, but in five years that kid behind the counter will own a successful software company, while your messy suicide will lead the evening news. Yes, Pizza Whisperer, you will die broke and alone, probably on the toilet, as your precious toppings look on from the kitchen counter and laugh. Your love for them was unrequited, as you finally, tragically realize at the end.
There is no hand-rolled crust in hell, Pizza Whisperer. Only tragic regret.
This week only, Tuesday features cheese baked right into the crust. Enjoy.
ABOUT LAST NIGHT …
What you missed while developing another weapon to fight the war on Christmas …
* Oh sure, now everyone’s on the Cardinals bandwagon. Where were you when my 49ers were beating them, twice?
* Yes, the Pizza Whisperer has a Facebook page. As if you had to ask.
TODAY IN MARK TRAIL …
“Make it snappy, Betty Boop. I have to catch the 5 o’clock duck.”
- So long folks, it’s time for me to take off 18
- Man wins full marathon while pushing his daughter in a baby stroller (video) 14
- Lock and load, it’s youth baseball fundraising time: league raffling off AR-15 rifle (video) 8
- Sim Bhullar is a large basketball player, and I mean it. Anybody want a peanut? 0
- What’s with kids and all these death-defying stunts? 674
- Nothing to see here…just a 70-yard field goal by a high-schooler (video) 3
- None found
- LIVE: Bruins-Blackhawks, Game 4
- Posnanski: How Heat won a game of mistakes
- PHT: Can Blackhawks solve Rask in Game 4?
- PFT: Report: Hernandez accused of prior shooting
- CSN: Report: Hernandez 'not ruled out' as suspect
- GTC: Tiger pulls out of AT&T citing elbow issue
- HBT: Biogenesis suspensions still likely coming