Handicapping the BCS title game: Take Longhorns and pass the Cheetos

OK Jelisaholics, it’s Thursday; time for your weekly fix. And since some big college football game is also scheduled for tonight, Jelisa Castrodale has agreed to go in depth and handicap the action. We promise not to break in during the post with any weather reports.
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By Jelisa Castrodale
Most nights, I sink deep enough into the sofa cushions to find several dollars in change and a handful of orphaned Cheetos, watching Jeopardy! and shouting out the answers as declarative sentences, Trebekian rules be damned.
If tonight’s Final Jeopardy! answer was “This team won the 2009 BCS National Championship”, chances are that most of you would immediately yell “Who are the Alabama Crimson Tide!”, while I would immediately set my demon-possessed television on fire.

Whether you’re watching the experts, reading syndicated columnists or overhearing the guy beside you on the treadmill, the prevailing attitude seems to be that Alabama will tear through Texas with the same kind of remorseless abandon as Paula Deen going through a stick of Land O’ Lakes.
I don’t agree; remaining one of the few holdouts who haven’t already handed the crystal football to Alabama or baptized Nick Saban with a cooler of neon-colored beverages. To prove my point, I’ve done a side-by-side comparison of the teams and what may affect them tonight in Pasadena, one that should make me a Daily Double answer in the “People Who Need to Make Friends” category.
Their Last Games: It’s been thirty-three days since Texas and Alabama each played — and won — their respective conference championships. Both coaches have had a month to plan and scheme and — in Nick Saban’s case — to feast on the blood of the innocent.
The outcomes of both conference games were the same, but stylistically they were as different as the Olive Garden and good food. Not only did Alabama absolutely dominate Florida, they made Tim Tebow cry in the process, the athletic equivalent of ramming an angel with your car. By contrast, Texas would’ve gone home as losers if quarterback Colt McCoy hadn’t mistaken a stadium railing for an open receiver with a single tick left on the clock. Pursuant to a rule nobody had ever heard of, Texas got one second back, giving them enough time to kick the winning field goal.
Although Alabama spent the month of December focusing on Texas, they’d admittedly looked ahead to Florida for a year, and for some players that rematch against Florida was their national title. You would expect a Saban-coached squad to pack the same level of intensity in their carry-on bags for the flight to California, but you never know how much that game drained them mentally and physically.
As for the Longhorns, that anemic victory against Nebraska is why they’ve been cast as the Underdog. I’ve seen enough Emilio Estevez movies to know that should be a motivating factor, with each perceived slight coming with a stirring orchestral score and a well-editing training montage.
(Slight) Advantage: Alabama
When Texas Has the Ball: The biggest question right now is the effectiveness of Alabama linebacker Rolando McClain, who spent the week having his colon redecorated by a mega-virus contracted from — and I quote — “a bad taco”. There were some questions about whether he’d be too weak or dehydrated to play but apparently Grade-Z beef isn’t enough to keep him on the sideline. McClain has been the Tide’s defensive leader with 101 tackles, 4 sacks, 2 interceptions and possibly one adult diaper.
‘Bama’s other frequently name-checked defensive force is overfed lineman Terrence Cody, who has the ability to disrupt the offense, clog the middle of the field and wreck the kicking game (cough Tennessee cough cough) before returning to the sail barge where he imprisoned Princess Leia.
On the Texas offense, Colt McCoy’s stats couldn’t be more impressive unless they also dispensed bacon and twenty-dollar bills. Not only is he the NCAA’s all-time winningest quarterback (featuring the all-time made-uppiest word), but he has an eye-bulging 70% completion percentage this season. In addition to being accurate, he’s also insanely mobile, serving as the team’s second leading rusher. If McCoy is on fire, he — and fave target Jordan Shipley — can do some damage simply by speeding up the tempo of the game. The faster the offense, the more time Terrence Cody spends on the sidelines, quietly condemning McCoy to the pit of the Sarlacc.
Advantage: Texas
When Alabama Has The Ball: Personally, I think the matchup of Alabama’s ground game against the Texas defense is the most interesting plot of the night, unless the second half somehow involves me, George Clooney and a bottle of maple syrup.
Although Texas has the nation’s top ranked defense, they have yet to face a pair of backs like ‘Bama has in Heisman winner Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson. Ingram proved to be the Tide’s best running back since Forrest Gump, shattering the team rushing record this season with 1,542 yards and averaging 6.2 yards per carry.
Alabama QB Greg McElroy is coming off a career game against Florida, displaying a previously-unseen ability to improvise and looking less bewildered on broken plays than he has all year. I’d still fully expect him to fall for that “got your nose” thing though.
Advantage: Alabama
Although I ceded two categories to Alabama, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this game go either way. Both teams have looked brilliant this season and both have looked beatable, displaying the same kind of comical helplessness I showcase when my Check Engine light comes on.
If Alex Trebek did actually say “This team won the 2009 BCS Championship,” I would shout “Whichever team managed to put two touchdowns on the board!” It’s going to be low scoring, it’s going to be hard-fought and I think in the end, the winners will be wearing a garish shade of orange rarely found in nature.
Kind of like these Cheetos.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, covers music for London’s BitchBuzz and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers.
Other Out of Bounds posts by Jelisa Castrodale …