OK, at this point I’m just going to drop the “guest post” tag and call Jelisa Castrodale a regular contributor; get used to seeing her around here. Today’s contribution — Tiger Woods, apologies, and crooked fire hydrants: A woman’s perspective. Enjoy.
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By Jelisa Castrodale
Wow, my life was so hectic before Thanksgiving that I haven’t downloaded Rihanna’s latest album, haven’t seen the new Twilight flick, and haven’t slept with Tiger Woods. I guess I’m not very good at keeping up with trends.
Unless you live in rural Pennsylvania, churn your own butter, and shun zippers as the Devil’s Fasteners, you know that Woods — the world’s number one golfer and possibly the most popular athlete this side of David Beckham’s haircut — careened out of his driveway during the infomercial-only hours of Friday morning and promptly parked his Escalade in a fire hydrant. His wife Elin immediately teed off on the back window with a golf club and dragged an unconscious Woods out of the vehicle.
As it became apparent that the accident was less serious than initially reported, the lingering questions became Where was Tiger going at that hour? Was Elin unconventionally prepared for an emergency or on a jealousy-fueled rampage? And Why do they live in Orlando?
Woods has made zero public appearances since the incident, instead releasing the kinds of carefully-worded statements written by gentlemen with Brooks Brothers suits and quadruple-digit hourly rates. Most of his statements to the press concerned respect for his privacy, which is completely unsurprising coming from a man whose public persona has been more carefully cultivated than the fairways he walks on Sunday afternoons.
Tiger’s sometimes-plastic personality and ability to only speak in soundbites are what made it so surprising when several walking Restylane injections practically tripped over their stilettos to claim that they’d had affairs with him. So far, the list of alleged mistresses includes society girl Rachel Uchitel — whose occupation sounds only slightly less made up than ‘sports blogger’ — waitress-turned-reality star Jaimee Grubb and Vegas nightclub manager Kalika Moquin. The last time Woods swapped partners like this? The 2006 Ryder Cup. (RYDER? I BARELY KNOW HE—yeah, that’s probably enough).
This afternoon, Woods updated his website with a predictably emotionless non-response to the allegations that said only that he had “let his family down” and he “regrets those transgressions with all [his] heart.” Although it’s not the dictionary definition, ‘transgressions’ in this case means ‘banging random chicks’.
But is Woods really sorry? Absolutely. He’s sorry he got caught.
His anemic, SAT-worded apology appeared shortly after the unfortunately named Jaimee Grubb released a voicemail from Woods, in which he asks for “a huge favor,” for her to “take [her] name off [her] phone,” since Elin had gotten suspicious that Woods might be, ahem, playing through. Does that prove anything? No. But it doesn’t exactly help either.
So what happens now? Woods has some big divots to fix: in his marriage, in his reputation, and perhaps in his hugely lucrative endorsement portfolio. According to Forbes magazine, Tiger is the first billion dollar athlete and although his biggest sponsors (Nike, AT&T, Gillette, TAG Heuer) didn’t bolt after the accident, it will be interesting to see how they react after learning his personal life has become a foursome. I mean, despite his namesake line of sports drinks, Gatorade may not want to feature Woods’ face above the phrase “Is It In You?” anymore.
Based on the frequently misspelled comments on several websites, the public’s reaction has ranged from surprise to outrage to “WHY ARN’T U WORRYED ABOUT THE ECONEMY INSTED?”
“What about the children?” others have asked, since Woods –whose only previous indiscretion was releasing a line of mock turtlenecks — has absolutely been hailed as a role model. The only children that really matter are Sam and Charlie Woods, both of whom are — fortunately — too young to know that Daddy went to Vegas to practice his bump and run. And I’ve finally run out of sexually charged golf terminology, thank you for asking.
Yes, Tiger Woods is an unrivaled competitor, a massive public figure and an international brand. That doesn’t mean he owes us anything, whether it’s a more personalized apology, any kind of explanation, or a tearful early morning interview with Matt Lauer. The only person he owes is his wife and — depending on how willing she is to forgive his hair extension-wearing ‘transgressions’ — it could be a McCartney-sized settlement.
I just hope he pays her with one of those oversized checks.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, covers music for London’s BitchBuzz and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers.
Also by Jelisa Castrodale:
* Andre Agassi and the attack of the meth people [Link]
* Elizabeth Lambert and the art of the media double-standard [Link]
* Alicia Sacramone, Brady Quinn and the athlete love conundrum [Link]
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- Jim - Dec 2, 2009 at 5:44 PM
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Rick -
How soon before Jelisa gets her own blog sight and you start writing for her? Just remember what happened to James Mason and Judy Garland. Too esoteric? How about Fredric March and Janet Gaynor? Don’t make me cite Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Striessand!
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- Arjun - Dec 2, 2009 at 6:00 PM
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This is the funniest Tiger Woods story today. I’m sure Jelisa will find more material for the funny tomorrow.
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- Beev0 - Dec 2, 2009 at 6:20 PM
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Thanks for feeding this to twitter Jelisa. It was a delightful read… Brava
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- Kelsey - Dec 2, 2009 at 6:40 PM
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I can’t believe you write for NBC Sports J-Money! It is so great to know that your impeccable talent and wit is finally being recognized by the big wigs. I love your writing and will continue to read your blog and various articles around the internets!
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- Franz Guest - Dec 2, 2009 at 6:40 PM
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Time to grow up everyone. Grown up people have affairs.
People think Tiger Woods owes them all something. HE DOES NOT! I REPEAT! HE DOES NOT! Tiger Woods got to where he is by hard work and dedication and some talent. PERIOD!
William Shatner said it best ” YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GET A LIFE ” !!
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- Franz Guest - Dec 2, 2009 at 6:41 PM
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Time to grow up everyone. Grown up people have affairs.
People think Tiger Woods owes them all something. HE DOES NOT! I REPEAT! HE DOES NOT! Tiger Woods got to where he is by hard work and dedication and some talent. PERIOD!
William Shatner said it best ” YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GET A LIFE ” !!
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- tigergotwood - Dec 2, 2009 at 6:51 PM
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This is hilarious, Ms. Castrodale. I hope you continue writing columns like this. You’re very talented.
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- get real - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:06 PM
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OK, enough is enough… Just have to get this out there. After seeing all of these Woods stories, I have lost all faith in supposed journalists and their absolutely pointless opinions, no matter how momentarily ammusing they may be. The guy did what millions of men and women do on a daily basis. There are probably close to a million around the world doing it right now (no pun intended). But why on gods green earth would any of us really care? Simply for ratings? To see how many hits we can get on one story if we put it in bold on the front page, no matter if its a persons personal business or not? Come on people, report on something valid. It really makes me realize how our country is slipping to others like China. You all as journalists close the publics eyes to real issues and force them to see the bul1shit rather than making them face what needs to be solved today, by hiding the real issues on page 12, or on a broken link in the world section. Woods will get over 1 million hits, while the Iranian Doctor that was assassinated for telling of the torture of thousands of students will get 100,000 and be gone by tomorrow. its so sad, yet inevitable i guess… all for a rating. Pathetic.
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- Akilah Sakai - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:11 PM
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Good read as usual from Jelisa. We all need a little comedy, especially in ual celeb situations like this that are being blasted on each and every friggin’ channel like the sky has fallen or something. Thanks for the belly laugh. I’m about to pass this story on to The Hubster. I’m not shocked one bit. Shyte happens! Now we need to mind our own business while to Woods’ family works this out. He’s made his public statement, the “ladies” will go on to their 15 seconds of fame and some nice paychecks for saving a zillion texts and selling their cheesy stories.
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- stephen wihak - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:12 PM
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so.. it’s not okay to cheat on the golf course, but it is okay to cheat on your wife.
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- Donna Burns - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:17 PM
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Your pathetic.
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- Akilah Sakai - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:19 PM
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Oops. That should say: “usual celeb situations.”
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- John S - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:23 PM
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You know the troubling problem to me will be if many people and endorsement companies support this man. It will mean another nail in the coffin of moral obligations in a person. It used to be that you were shunned for such acts. Now we find humor and enjoyment in his affairs. Why is this? What does this say for our society if we begin to forgive such actions. Is it that many people can relate to Woods?
Would that even be more sad? Tiger Woods has a beautiful wife and kids. But it now appears that was not enough. That is too bad. I hope his wife takes him to the cleaners!
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- Marty N - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:38 PM
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Alrighty then, say Sanford Woods, Woods Sanford…..Not much different except Sanford said he was in love! LOL
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- UBFunY - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:39 PM
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I hope she knocked some sense into him.
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- Lisa - Dec 2, 2009 at 7:40 PM
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Not that people think it’s okay, people are just used to the bullcrap. No one died so I don’t mind laughing at this funny article while at the same time I still think he is a first-rate jerk. When you’re famous it’s amplified though their eff ups are the exact same eff ups your next door neighbor is doing right this very moment. Should your neighbor lose his job or get counseling and become a better person?
The thing is, he isn’t the first and he darn sure won’t be the last. Hasn’t Shaq strayed? And people still love the big guy despite it and he’s got a new line of commercials with that Ben Stein dude and more to come naturally.
See, everyone deserves a second chance to redeem themselves. Period! Tiger does! What? Celebs should be burned at the stake because they are forced role models? Please!
Its infidelity, not murder. If he continuously violates situations after this big revelation, then I’d feel differently. Personal marital problems (separate from beating your spouse of course) should not derail someone’s career! Plus, we don’t know every little detail about he and Elin’s happiness or household issues so I wouldn’t throw him under the bus just yet people. He’s a butthole, yes. But people need to relax and not act so shocked. Out of all the commenters on this site by the end of the evening, there will be quite a few cheaters who’d like forgiveness or were forgiven for something really messed up. Let this family heal and either fight on together or split up. I wish the two kids well.
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- bob - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:17 PM
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Agreed. How many of you Americans haven’t thought about cheating, have cheated, or are planning to cheat? C’mon folks. Aren’t you just a bit bored with the everyday routine? If you aren’t, you’re not very good liars. Tell me you don’t check him/her out at the grocery store or hit a few websites late at night. Oh, and what about those guys and girls nights out? Really, are u just having drinks with your friends?
Now Tiger, who seems to have it all, is stuck in a bit of a debacle. But it’s just not as fun once the thrill is gone and you’re stuck in the everyday. All u naysayers are bellowing about how we should be creative and look for new dimensions to our relationships… Yeah right. Men want sex. They want fresh passionate sex not the same old routine or even less, quickies before the kids pop in the room. They want new women with sexy bodies and no strings attached. Wives, stop blaming the fat on the baby and get to the gym. Get a makeover, do something besides complain about your DVRed reality TV shows for god sakes. Especially, if you’re not working right now! We are humans not robots folks. The truth is, marriage runs its course. Then we try to have kids to give us more excitement. Yeah, that’s a laugh. Newborns just push us further away from our spouses. Then we’re just too tired to find any energy for anything else. Next thing u know it’s 2 or 3 years later, you have know idea who your spouse is, and they’re probably thinking the same thing. Some of us stick around for security while others just go ahead and cheat. Maybe it’s a strip club or a trip to Vegas or both. All in all, the truth is, marriage just gets old and the grass is greener when you’re just looking for that new infatuation.
So don’t fault Tiger. He has it all. Money, beautiful wife, cosmic athletic ability, and world recognition. Don’t you think it’s lonely at the top? Don’t you think it gets old talking to your spouse who, somehow, just doesn’t seem to give u the same level of respect you got before the kids? It’s the same story for all of us cube warriors and b/c it’s Tiger, we’re all acting so “Surprised”. Try for 1 second not to be a hyprocrite. Take a peek in the mirror and tell yourself that you weren’t interested in that Facebook chick from New Zealand who asked u to be her FB friend. How many of u haven’t thought about it? Of those, how many of you have acted upon it? Of those, how many will stop themselves if the opportunity presents itself?
I rest my case…
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- mjpundit - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:33 PM
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Wow, Bob, you’ve really got some issues–if you need it, most community health centers have free counseling available.
J.C., that was friggin’ hilarious–don’t need to read anything else about it! Though I wonder what par for the home course is gonna be this time…
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- Jay - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:33 PM
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Franz Guest makes some valid points that people think but are afraid to say and admit out loud. It may anger some of you, but a lot of what he said is so true that it’s not even funny. And lets not forget about the women who stray as well as couples who have open relationships. That kind of stuff goes on with regular and famous people! Before anyone thinks I agree because I am a horny male, I will say now that I am a happily married female who doesn’t live with her head in the clouds. I’m content and so is my husband but who’s to say we both will feel the same way in 5 years? Nothing is cut and dry and beautiful for all. It may look good on the outside, but it’s all broken and miserable on the inside. Let’s all let out a collective yawn on the Woods’ story by weeks end. After a few days, who gives a rat’s arse anymore?
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- Deb - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:38 PM
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Great column! You dingbats, it’s not WHAT he did that is appalling. It’s the hypocrisy of his life! If he’s going to be a bottom feeder, then don’t pretend to be Mr. Perfect! Jack Nicholson and others have lots of ladies on the side but they don’t pretend to be something else. Tiger played the media to his own advantage, to rake in the $$$. Now the media is returning the favor.
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- Tony - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:45 PM
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Matt. 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”
Those who have not sin, cast the 1st stone.
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- robby - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:47 PM
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Just googled Kalika Moquin. Not what i expected, it’s another skinny white chick. Yes my brother, keep bangin’. i can’t wait for the next name to drop.
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- Golfer in ND - Dec 2, 2009 at 8:52 PM
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This is awesomw! I haven’t read anything this great all year!
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- BillG - Dec 2, 2009 at 9:02 PM
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After any of these highly (finally) public affairs come to light we get the heartfelt statements about how much the offender cares for his wife and family. Family values are usually thrown in for good (political) measure.
Another writer stated correctly that affairs occur not because they care so much about their “loved ones” but really about how little they care about them ! Money and fame often bring time and opportunity.
My bride and I have been together for 30 years.
We honor each other daily, thru our words, actions and our strength of character.
It starts with the man/woman in the mirror.
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- Tiger FAn - Dec 2, 2009 at 9:02 PM
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Tiger is what Tiger is. A Typical dude that just got caught up in his own web. Went to far because he painted his so call perfect world perfect and now he has to live in it. He probably need to watch out in the future cuz his wife is re-writing that prenup oops.
