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Tiger's apology: A woman's perspective

Dec 2, 2009, 4:00 PM EDT

OK, at this point I’m just going to drop the “guest post” tag and call Jelisa Castrodale a regular contributor; get used to seeing her around here. Today’s contribution — Tiger Woods, apologies, and crooked fire hydrants: A woman’s perspective. Enjoy.
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By Jelisa Castrodale
Wow, my life was so hectic before Thanksgiving that I haven’t downloaded Rihanna’s latest album, haven’t seen the new Twilight flick, and haven’t slept with Tiger Woods. I guess I’m not very good at keeping up with trends.
Unless you live in rural Pennsylvania, churn your own butter, and shun zippers as the Devil’s Fasteners, you know that Woods — the world’s number one golfer and possibly the most popular athlete this side of David Beckham’s haircut — careened out of his driveway during the infomercial-only hours of Friday morning and promptly parked his Escalade in a fire hydrant. His wife Elin immediately teed off on the back window with a golf club and dragged an unconscious Woods out of the vehicle.
As it became apparent that the accident was less serious than initially reported, the lingering questions became Where was Tiger going at that hour? Was Elin unconventionally prepared for an emergency or on a jealousy-fueled rampage? And Why do they live in Orlando?


Woods has made zero public appearances since the incident, instead releasing the kinds of carefully-worded statements written by gentlemen with Brooks Brothers suits and quadruple-digit hourly rates. Most of his statements to the press concerned respect for his privacy, which is completely unsurprising coming from a man whose public persona has been more carefully cultivated than the fairways he walks on Sunday afternoons.
Tiger’s sometimes-plastic personality and ability to only speak in soundbites are what made it so surprising when several walking Restylane injections practically tripped over their stilettos to claim that they’d had affairs with him. So far, the list of alleged mistresses includes society girl Rachel Uchitel — whose occupation sounds only slightly less made up than ‘sports blogger’ — waitress-turned-reality star Jaimee Grubb and Vegas nightclub manager Kalika Moquin. The last time Woods swapped partners like this? The 2006 Ryder Cup. (RYDER? I BARELY KNOW HE—yeah, that’s probably enough).
This afternoon, Woods updated his website with a predictably emotionless non-response to the allegations that said only that he had “let his family down” and he “regrets those transgressions with all [his] heart.” Although it’s not the dictionary definition, ‘transgressions’ in this case means ‘banging random chicks’.
But is Woods really sorry? Absolutely. He’s sorry he got caught.
His anemic, SAT-worded apology appeared shortly after the unfortunately named Jaimee Grubb released a voicemail from Woods, in which he asks for “a huge favor,” for her to “take [her] name off [her] phone,” since Elin had gotten suspicious that Woods might be, ahem, playing through. Does that prove anything? No. But it doesn’t exactly help either.
So what happens now? Woods has some big divots to fix: in his marriage, in his reputation, and perhaps in his hugely lucrative endorsement portfolio. According to Forbes magazine, Tiger is the first billion dollar athlete and although his biggest sponsors (Nike, AT&T, Gillette, TAG Heuer) didn’t bolt after the accident, it will be interesting to see how they react after learning his personal life has become a foursome. I mean, despite his namesake line of sports drinks, Gatorade may not want to feature Woods’ face above the phrase “Is It In You?” anymore.
Based on the frequently misspelled comments on several websites, the public’s reaction has ranged from surprise to outrage to “WHY ARN’T U WORRYED ABOUT THE ECONEMY INSTED?”
“What about the children?” others have asked, since Woods –whose only previous indiscretion was releasing a line of mock turtlenecks — has absolutely been hailed as a role model. The only children that really matter are Sam and Charlie Woods, both of whom are — fortunately — too young to know that Daddy went to Vegas to practice his bump and run. And I’ve finally run out of sexually charged golf terminology, thank you for asking.
Yes, Tiger Woods is an unrivaled competitor, a massive public figure and an international brand. That doesn’t mean he owes us anything, whether it’s a more personalized apology, any kind of explanation, or a tearful early morning interview with Matt Lauer. The only person he owes is his wife and — depending on how willing she is to forgive his hair extension-wearing ‘transgressions’ — it could be a McCartney-sized settlement.
I just hope he pays her with one of those oversized checks.
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Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, covers music for London’s BitchBuzz and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers.
Also by Jelisa Castrodale:
* Andre Agassi and the attack of the meth people [Link]
* Elizabeth Lambert and the art of the media double-standard [Link]
* Alicia Sacramone, Brady Quinn and the athlete love conundrum [Link]

  1. mikkel - Dec 2, 2009 at 9:26 PM

    Bob, you are an idiot. A loser. What a pathetic way to look at marriage. May not be for everyone, but puleeze! Yours obviously has tanked. Wonder why.

  2. nresq - Dec 2, 2009 at 9:55 PM

    It’s “you’re”, as in “you are”, not “your”.
    And who’s “pathetic”? Certainly not the very funny Ms. Castrodale.
    A little judgmental are we?

  3. nresq - Dec 2, 2009 at 10:00 PM

    Hey, Deb, I must have missed it for the last 15 years or so. When did Tiger say he was “perfect”? Near as I can tell, he hasn’t said much of anything that could be considered personal. Mostly just the usual athlete stuff at a tournament. Its not like he is an evangelical preacher or one of these family values politicians and got caught with a male prostitute. Your husband cheat on you or something?

  4. Sandra - Dec 2, 2009 at 10:04 PM

    LOL!

  5. nresq - Dec 2, 2009 at 10:07 PM

    Wow, BillG, your 30 years with your wife have certainly given you license to judge others. How exactly is life in that perfect world of yours? No problems? Nothing you wouldn’t be embarrassed to have to admit to? Haven’t pulled the wings off any flies? One of the kids hasn’t come out as gay? No prescription drug problems? I guess empathy ain’t one of the commandments, is it? Although I remember hearing something in Sunday School going like, “Judge not, lest…”

  6. Pat - Dec 2, 2009 at 10:13 PM

    Has anyone considered there could be a communicable disease involved here which served as the final proof and led to the violent confrontation after all these years of her suspicions and his denials explained away as vicious tabloid rumor?

  7. ALS - Dec 2, 2009 at 10:15 PM

    Jelisa-You are hilarious. I hope Tiger learns from his mistakes and treats his family with more respect….and if not maybe she will use his driver next time. :)

  8. Jasph - Dec 3, 2009 at 10:40 AM

    Brilliant. Laughed out loud at the “Is It In You?” line. And your conclusion is Exactly It.
    Come on, people. Even the greatest golfer in the world has to work on his shorty game.

  9. Enlightened Meathead - Dec 3, 2009 at 1:50 PM

    You did notice that you are posting on a SPORTS blog, right?? If you’re pissed about the “no centuars” policy, just say it!!

  10. Crazie K - Dec 3, 2009 at 2:16 PM

    Well, so much for Tiger’s morning wood…

  11. BillG - Dec 3, 2009 at 3:22 PM

    30 years of effort, attention, honor and strength of character.
    Not perfect by any means.
    What kind of example have YOU set.

  12. Melinda - Dec 4, 2009 at 9:15 AM

    Great article. There is one line that says it all:
    He’s sorry he got caught. A real cakeman – thinks he can have a marriage, kids and a respectable image plus have a sex life with multiple partners. Let me see, how do you spell narcissistic again. For those who don’t know the definition,let’s try “self absorbed”. Because he sure wasn’t thinking about the consequences and the hurt that he would cause with his “indiscretions”.
    In response to comment that grown up peole have affairs, it is a true statement. But grownd up people do a lot of things that are immoral and hurt others and it is certainly not a justification for the behavior, just because others do it. Reminds me of when my kids used to say “But everyone is doing it”. They were in their early teens at the time. Unlike Tiger (and Franz Guest), they have outgrown that rationale.

  13. Meredith - Dec 4, 2009 at 4:36 PM

    Best line of the entire article: “whose only previous indiscretion was releasing a line of mock turtlenecks”
    Hilarious. Glad to see you are writing for NBC Sports now, J-Money!

  14. LA Cochran - Dec 4, 2009 at 5:07 PM

    Brilliant take, Jellisa! Hysterical!

  15. LA Cochran - Dec 4, 2009 at 5:08 PM

    Oops–make that “Jelisa”!

  16. dale - Dec 5, 2009 at 8:21 PM

    Ok lets get to the real problem. Yes what Tiger did was wrong and a violation to his wife but he was not alone. He met up with some cute looking sluts who are looking for money and will have sex with anyone they can scam. If they had any moral, decency or cared about Tiger or any other married men, these ladies would have declined his advances and exposed him for making the attemtp and sent him back to his wife.

  17. Oskar - Dec 11, 2009 at 7:22 AM

    Good article, Jelisa! (got here from twitter)
    About Tiger, perhaps he hasn’t proclaimed himself perfect as some of you write and some others claims he hasn’t, but it is a fact that A LOT of his public imagery / market value (the celebrity Tiger we know) was resting upon a pillar where everything was perfect.
    So – what difference does that make? Well, does the real person Tiger Woods owe us anything – no. But does the real person Tiger Woods persuade you to buy merchandise or lure you into a website etc – no!
    What I am implying is that the marketed celebrity/concept Tiger Woods was doing its thing, but now is just a painful lie. Its _that_ “person” that owe us our money / scorned ego’s back from realising we “bought into” the lie. (which some of us never did anyway)

  18. I. C. Thruthisholething - Dec 11, 2009 at 2:43 PM

    Delightful. Delightful.
    But serious questions still linger.
    I still have to wonder about … SSSSSSH! quietly now … about what the … secret life … of a *sports blogger* … might be?
    Could the sports blogger role be a cover for … well … undercover activities? Oh, yes, my friend. I say we’ve got Trouble. Right here in River City. With a capital T and that rhymes with We and that’s Me and You … Oh, we got Trouble … and undercover activity …
    Do you REALLY think it’s only a coincidence that THIS sports blogger made not ONE double entendre-ful use of the everyday golf term, “shaft”? Nor was there much discussion of “head”, “bag”, “stroke”, “cup”, “rim”, “birdie”, “bush”, “hole”, “hole in one”, “swing”, or ANY Tin Cup references such as Costner’s “mulligan,” Russo’s “tee it up!”, or even everybody looking at Cheech Marin and Gary McCord’s big bird (the penguin).
    WHAT IS SHE HIDING?
    And THEN … and THEN … there’s more … there’s been NO mention of Par 3 so far. Not one. And every golf course and game has LOTS of Par 3 holes. You and I both know what THAT means.
    Yes, my friends, there’s more to this story than these two sports bloggers are telling us. How is it she knows so much about tripping one’s own stiletto high heels? Or about framistatizene injections? Or about why Tiger Woods lives in Orlando?
    Another telling clue … The plot thickens. The regular Out of Bounds blogger goes out of his way to informs us that this particular lady sports blogger has become more than just an occasional out of bounds guest, but now an out of bounds “regular.” The attentive reader inquires: A regular what? Out of what bounds? Here we have all this talk about bound-age. On a regular basis. And NO mention of Par 3. They’re obviously hiding something. Think about it. Tiger Woods plus the two bloggers makes, what? THREE! They deliberately didn’t mention Par 3 to misdirect us to the side issues of Tiger’s accident, his wife, and his other women! When the REAL story is RIGHT HERE at outofbounds.nbcsports.com! Amazing. Canny. Shrewd.
    I think everyone, all over the world, should from now on pay VERY careful attention to these Out of Bounds sports bloggers. Don’t you?

  19. Brother 2920 - Feb 10, 2010 at 10:07 AM

    haha, Beckham is so funny! I love him.