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America's new fun pastime: Tiger Woods jokes

Dec 2, 2009, 11:00 AM EDT

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian. OK, actually Elin Nordegren is of Swedish descent, but you get the idea: That being Tiger Woods jokes are currently sweeping the nation. And unlike the joke tsunamis that always seem to hit after tragedies and natural disasters, this concerns illicit affairs and a car accident in which no one was seriously injured. In other words, potential comedy gold.
Following the jump are some freshly-minted Tiger jokes; a couple of them fairly hilarious. Some were authored by Out of Bounds commenters … feel free to add your own. Oh, and also, the Tiger Woods prop bets are in!


* Tiger’s new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
* Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly… but put me down for a 5.”
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
* Elin’s excuse? She had to play a bad lie.
* What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
* What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
* Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
* Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.
* What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can drive them both into the trees.
* Anyone done a haiku yet?
Tiger flees from wife
Water sprays from fire hydrant
Then tree falls victim.

* Elin’s new theme song from Jazmine Sullivan: I Bust the Windows out Your Car!!!
And here are your Tiger Woods prop bets, as seen on Bodog.com:
Will Tiger Woods publicly admit to having an affair by December 31st 2009?
Yes +200
No -260
(Hope you bet yes. This one appears to have been settled).
Will Tiger Woods and his wife separate before December 31st 2009?
Yes -150
No +120
Will Tiger Woods leave his wife for Rachel Uchitel by December 31st 2010?
Yes +500
No -1000
(Tiger Woods must be separated or divorced from his wife then publicly admit to dating Rachel Uchitel for “Yes” to be graded as the winner)
Will Tiger Woods’ reported mistress Rachel Uchitel pose for Playboy by December 31st 2010?
Yes +145
No -175
Good luck.
***
Another woman emerges in Woods scandal [MSNBC]
Tiger Woods jokes headquarters [The Orlando Sentinel]
‘I regret those transgressions,’ Tiger says [NBCSports]

168 Comments (Feed for Comments)
  1. Mike - Dec 11, 2009 at 11:21 PM

    How did the missus find out?
    She got suspicious when she found notes saying – ” hey tiger “.

  2. Seriouslee - Dec 12, 2009 at 4:27 PM

    What does Tiger’s personal life have to do with any of us? Frankly, it’s none of our business.If people wasn’t constantly snooping into others PERSONAL lives, then his trangressions wouldn’t be on public display. Just because he is a great golfer, doesn’t mean he’s not entitled to his privacy. So, there are those who know of his indiscretions. So what? You know. It’s still not your business. Ye without sin cast the first stone. So all of you who are taken shots at Tiger, I guess the stones you are throwing are pure and sanctified. Many of you go to church regularly confessing to love GOD and the moment you walk out that church, you start sinning with your mouths. Those who report news always air what most say is dirty laundry. Well, I don’t like the smell of dirty laundry.

  3. Seriouslee - Dec 12, 2009 at 4:43 PM

    How do you know she’s not already doing so? Everything is unforseen until it is implicated.

  4. Jaybo - Dec 15, 2009 at 2:27 PM

    Tiger did nothing as bad as “Mr.President” a few years ago, who never admitted his wrong…EVER! He is not the first celebrity to get hooked by skanks…ask around Hollywood or go to any pro athlete funtion, where they seem to congregate. (Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain, Mickey Mantle, Magic Johnson etc etc etc.) Just goes to show how some people can enjoy someones elses misery or misfortune. Admit it you haters, you’re reveling in his misery because you wish you had his life and money. By the way don’t you think he had enough sense to have a pre nup? To that idiot Mr Arizona…get a life. I’d like to see what you guys do when you think no one else is looking. Take the moral high ground if you are capable, and pray that he and Elin get straightened out.

  5. jbo - Dec 15, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    hey David…Jack nick is old news ….kinda like Babe Ruth, Bob Cousy, Pele etc. Great in their time but wouldn’t be able to keep up today. Take a deep breath and join the rest of us in the here and now. Tiger is the gratest golfer (even if not the most moral) of this era or any other. Check the pay outs and the tv ratings when hen started and now.

  6. jbo - Dec 15, 2009 at 2:39 PM

    hey edju …fuzzy’s joke was NOT a little joke, it was a racist remark made by a hateful idiot who was pissed because he couldn’t beat the man on the course. Stop minimizing hate.

  7. jbo - Dec 15, 2009 at 2:49 PM

    to 32maniac..your comments describe the problem quite accurately..you and many like you, think ( I use that term rather loosely) that because you bought some Nike equipment you own Tiger and he owes you something..what a voyeuristic statement!! Hey dickweed..if you buy a Toyota does that make you a part owner of Japan? If you buy a movie do the actors belong to YOU? What pro athlete’s jersey do you own? I hope it’s a Shaq jersy..go tell him that because you wear his jersey you “Own” him. Good luck fool. You really need to get a grip AND a life.

  8. jaybo - Dec 15, 2009 at 3:05 PM

    AMEN…we have enough really important things to deal with…wars in 2 countries, the national deficit mushrooming, high jackings on the high seas, budget cuts everywhere, joblessness rampant, factories closing, families losing their homes, healthcare costs skyrocketing, homelessness and hunger rapidly increasing HERE at home. And what are the moronics millions focused on… an adulturous husband and a pack of $lutty run and tell, da$h for ca$h tramps. Shows how far the intellectual bar has dropped doesn’t it.

  9. ththththat's all folks - Dec 16, 2009 at 2:34 PM

    There is a good comedy book, published a few years back, that centers it’s last chapter on Tiger Woods. The book is “How To Quit Golf”, by Craig Brass. In the last chapter, the character is trying to get everyone to quit the game, as he views it as a disease on humanity. He figures that if he can get Woods to quit the game, then so will everyone else. It’s funny how things turn out sometimes.So he hatches a plan………you’ll have to read it yourself. Just checked, and it’s available on Amazon.com

  10. Kalli - Dec 16, 2009 at 6:51 PM

    Hat is the difference between Santa and tiger woods? Santa stops free 3 ho’s. :)

  11. MindCrime - Dec 21, 2009 at 2:02 PM

    That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. It actually made me laugh out loud (more of a chuckle). Well said.

  12. brando - Dec 30, 2009 at 2:54 PM

    How many of Tiger’s mistresses does it take to screw on a light bulb?
    Answer: FOUR!

  13. nonnogag - Jan 1, 2010 at 7:51 AM

    His dad did the same thing Tiger did (did He learned from PAPA?)

  14. Pat Pike - Jan 3, 2010 at 7:11 PM

    Has anyone else noticed that all the news says about Elin is that she is beautiful and from Sweden. Is it possible that there is something not so beautiful about her that we can’t see from looking at her? Does her beauty mean she is a nice person? Does her beauty make it alright to take a golf club to her husband. Is it possible that the marriage was over long before now? A person who is happily married does not cheat. Tiger needs to keep moving on. Obviously he has the ability to do so.

  15. unknownsoul - Jan 13, 2010 at 3:51 PM

    ” Obviously he did not intend to committ these but with fame and money, he fell for his own evil. He made mistakes but he does not “deserve” every single shot like your wanton heart says.”
    If he didn’t intend to do these things, why didn’t he stop with one mistake? Or be a man about it, admit his mistakes to his wife BEFORE the whole world found out, and quietly resolved things one way or another? I will give him the first time, even though just once is horribly wrong in my book, but he can’t have felt too bad about it if he continued his behavior. He intended to have sex with every one of those women, every time he did it. The only thing he didn’t intend to do was GET CAUGHT. He deserves every shot and then some. His wife, on the other hand, doesn’t, but at least she found out what he is now instead of 20 years down the road. Don’t waste time defending someone who doesn’t deserve defense or sympathy. He made his choices and he has to pay for them.

  16. Domingo Pol - Jan 19, 2010 at 5:31 PM

    Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!!!!

  17. e - Feb 4, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    Did you just tell huys to say no to a ******* never happen in the history of america……

  18. Brittany - Feb 19, 2010 at 6:50 PM

    whats the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
    Santa only has 3 hoes