What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian. OK, actually Elin Nordegren is of Swedish descent, but you get the idea: That being Tiger Woods jokes are currently sweeping the nation. And unlike the joke tsunamis that always seem to hit after tragedies and natural disasters, this concerns illicit affairs and a car accident in which no one was seriously injured. In other words, potential comedy gold.
Following the jump are some freshly-minted Tiger jokes; a couple of them fairly hilarious. Some were authored by Out of Bounds commenters … feel free to add your own. Oh, and also, the Tiger Woods prop bets are in!
* Tiger’s new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
* Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly… but put me down for a 5.”
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
* Elin’s excuse? She had to play a bad lie.
* What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
* What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
* Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
* Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.
* What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can drive them both into the trees.
* Anyone done a haiku yet?
Tiger flees from wife
Water sprays from fire hydrant
Then tree falls victim.
* Elin’s new theme song from Jazmine Sullivan: I Bust the Windows out Your Car!!!
And here are your Tiger Woods prop bets, as seen on Bodog.com:
Will Tiger Woods publicly admit to having an affair by December 31st 2009?
Yes +200
No -260
(Hope you bet yes. This one appears to have been settled).
Will Tiger Woods and his wife separate before December 31st 2009?
Yes -150
No +120
Will Tiger Woods leave his wife for Rachel Uchitel by December 31st 2010?
Yes +500
No -1000
(Tiger Woods must be separated or divorced from his wife then publicly admit to dating Rachel Uchitel for “Yes” to be graded as the winner)
Will Tiger Woods’ reported mistress Rachel Uchitel pose for Playboy by December 31st 2010?
Yes +145
No -175
Good luck.
***
Another woman emerges in Woods scandal [MSNBC]
Tiger Woods jokes headquarters [The Orlando Sentinel]
‘I regret those transgressions,’ Tiger says [NBCSports]
-
- Bob in VA - Dec 2, 2009 at 11:58 AM
-
What does Tiger Woods have in common with skunks and moles?.
They all like to eat Grubbs.
-
- Rick Chandler - Dec 2, 2009 at 12:07 PM
-
From reader Brian: Apparently Lefty has placed a couple calls to Elin desperately asking how she beat Tiger.
-
- GQ - Dec 2, 2009 at 12:17 PM
-
It looks like Elin is the only one who can beat Tiger without going to “Q” school…
-
- Bart Koestner - Dec 2, 2009 at 12:33 PM
-
This just in from Jack: I repeat, he plays a game with which I am unfamiliar.
-
- Bruce L. - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:08 PM
-
For all of those people who were waiting for Tiger to fall have your laughs. Is he perfect? No! Did he make a huge mistake? Yes! Does he owe his wife and family an explanation? Yes! Does he owe you and me an explanation? No!
Those without fault throw the first stone, everyone else ( if there are any ) leave the man and his family alone. id he do something stupid? Yes!! Did he do something violent or dangerous? No!! He obviously got caught up in the hype and attention that is poured upon those people that we clain as super stars or entertainers, but when all the glamour is pulled aside you have a human being is is as capable of making a mistake as anyone.
Let’s hope that he learns from this and makes things right with his family and himself, and let’s hope that maybe some of us will learn that putting people on such high pedestals can only mean a long fall is waiting.
-
- A golfer - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:24 PM
-
Everybody needs to mind their own business. Tiger is a jillionaire; what did you think might happen? Elin is one of the luckiest women on earth. I say let him have his fun as long as no ill affects accrue to her. He married HER; she’s in the cat bird seat. All the other golddiggers are just that. This kind of stuff is really old news; people don’t have enough to do to be making a bid deal out of this.
-
- kuanes - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:34 PM
-
The previous two comments make me want to kill the internet.
-
- selftaughtman - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:47 PM
-
May Elin have enough love in her heart to forgive his transgressions. She may be able to forgive in time, but, she will never forget. It will be a very difficult time when Tiger goes back out on the road to tournaments, her anxiety will take her breath away. We, as men, live with a double standard. Tiger would not be able to handle a role reversal.
I believe that he will learn from this nearly fatal mistake and think in the future with the correct “head”!!!!
May we all learn the importance of being faithful.
-
- Sunday goofer - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:52 PM
-
From an old timer not politically correct. Adultry is adultry.
Do the crime – do the time!
-
- Arizona Buckeye - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:53 PM
-
Those jokes are absolutely hysterical…. thanks for the laughs. For the whiners out there… Tiger has earned millions off of being in the public eye, advertising everything, and playing golf. If he wanted to avoid this type of exposure (pardon the pun), then he should have kept control of his, well, you know. If he wanted to continue to screw lots of women, he should never have gotten married and started a family. Now that he made that commitment, he should have had the guts to honor it. I am a huge Tiger fan but he deserves every single shot he is taking right now…
Bring on more jokes!!!!
-
- Marty - Dec 2, 2009 at 1:59 PM
-
Things money can’t buy – monogamy. I think she should leave him and take half the jillion with her and the kids.
-
- A golfer - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:13 PM
-
Sorry to sound so cavalier. Bottom line is, sadly, if he really loved her, he wouldn’t have felt compelled to ‘go out of bounds’. But then again, he’s rich and he’s young. I’m so old, can’t remember what over active hormones are like.
-
- Eric - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:15 PM
-
Arizona, you’re a sick man to be reveling in someone else’s fall. Obviously he did not intend to committ these but with fame and money, he fell for his own evil. He made mistakes but he does not “deserve” every single shot like your wanton heart says. Leave them alone to reconcile their own problems. Jokes are funny but we should not entertain it and add to the flame either. Let it go.
-
- Susan - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:16 PM
-
Tiger Woods is famous for playing golf. What does his personal life have to do with that? His WIFE deserves privacy.
-
- bluesgurrl - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:17 PM
-
elin’s new theme song from Jazmine Sullivan: “I Bust The Windows Out Your Car”!!!!
-
- big A - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:34 PM
-
Did you here why Tiger Woods is going to quit golf to play pro Hockey?
Because the rest of his life he will be giving out HUGE CHECKS!!
-
- David - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:36 PM
-
Add this joke
Who is the only female who can beat Tiger with a golf club? His wife.
-
- gdon - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:38 PM
-
what people don’t understand is that tiger was a nerd growing up. he admits that other kids would make fun of his looks being half black / half thai and all. joanna jagota girl from pepperdine may have been his first love but she wasn’t marriage material. earl woods didn’t allow any female to distract tiger from his golf. tiger joined the pga tour, made a ton of money from endorsements, improved his physique. his looks were above average but money and fame were his main attraction. he finally dumped joanna and married elin in his late 20′s. earl passed and then women got in his inner circle and the rest is history. tiger really never got a chance to “sew his royal oats” until now. had earl been alive (may he rest in peace) none of this would have happended. a terrible lesson for the great tiger to learn but he’ll bounce back with a vengeance.
-
- Dan - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:40 PM
-
What better time for Ron Artest to casually mention “I drank booze at halftime of NBA games.” Ron deserves a “well played” tag.
-
- Arizona Buckeye - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:45 PM
-
Eric – whatever! He did not accidentally fall and his johnson end up in 3 – 10 other women. He, Tiger Woods, chose to throw his family out the window and screw other women. He deserves every single joke, comment, and chuckle he gets. Its really simple and it has NOTHING to do with being rich or famous – if you love your wife and your family, you don’t end up screwing around on them… plain and simple. His ego and lack of personal self control got the best of him and he tossed his family out the window in a heart beat!
-
- BHM - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:47 PM
-
Q:Why did Tiger take the Cadillac?
A:Because he can’t get the Buick Open anymore.
-
- Randy - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:51 PM
-
Like I was told years ago you never miss a slice off a cut loaf.
-
- Karyn - Dec 2, 2009 at 2:56 PM
-
Did you hear Tiger Woods is changing his name,,,,just call him Cheetah
-
- MSW - Dec 2, 2009 at 3:11 PM
-
still hilarious … now I’m waiting for the steroid admission
-
- Elena - Dec 2, 2009 at 3:21 PM
-
To make a mistake is to do something wrong but being unaware until learning otherwise. Tiger didn’t make a mistake. He had to have known what he was doing was wrong. Rich and young are no excuse. My heart goes out to his wife and those adorable kids. All the money in the world won’t ease that kind of pain or bring back the trust.
