Dec 1, 2009, 12:00 PM EDT
Before we get to last night’s Tiger Woods monologue jokes (the winner was Jay Leno, pretty much by default), his alleged mistress, Rachel Uchitel, would just like to remind everyone that there was no affair. Whole thing never happened. And if you still don’t believe her, she has hired big-time barrister Gloria Allred to
beat you senseless with her briefcase defend her honor.
Uchitel had quite a few things to say in this morning’s New York Post.
“This is ridiculous. Not a word of it is true,” Rachel Uchitel told The Post. “I told the Enquirer and Star that it wasn’t true. I told them not only did I have information to disprove the story, but I offered to take a lie-detector test.
“It’s the most ridiculous story. It’s like they are asking me to comment if there are aliens on Earth. I found out who their sources were [Uchitel says she understands there were two sources to the story], which girls were blabbing.
The Post, in respect of Uchitel’s denial of any romantic involvement with Woods, went with the low-key, non-attention grabbing headline: Rachel Uchitel: The night I met Tiger Woods & my life spun out of control .
“[The source of the story] is not even a friend of mine,” Uchitel said. “I’ve met her twice in my life. I’ve got some really horrible things that I can say about her and her past. I am toying around if I should go after her, because she’s not a credible source.
“She had a personal reason to make this up. She got herself invited on a trip that I went on [to Europe]. She conducted herself in a manner that was so embarrassing that the trip ended after a day. It was a total nightmare. I saw her again last week in Vegas. I was embarrassed by her behavior. She fell down the stairs at the restaurant because she was so wasted. She’s a train wreck.”
Meanwhile, the Florida Highway Patrol is still trying to obtain Woods’ medical records from a local hospital, reports TMZ. And Tiger still isn’t talking to anyone, including the cops.
All of which is highly amusing to Jay Leno. From Monday night’s monologue:
“I’m sure you know by now, Tiger Woods’ wife caught him playing that 19th hole. Yeah, be very careful when you’re out there … It seems he may have been fleeing the house after a fight with his wife. And for three days in a row he’s been unavailable to talk to police about the incident. You see, when your name is Tiger Woods and you’re a golf legend, you can be ‘unavailable’ to the police. When your name is Tyrone Woods? D’oh! D’oh! (Makes police handcuffing gesture behind back).”
Bill Maher (On Jay Leno Show):
“What a bunch of vultures the media are. Seriously, I mean, who has not left their house at 2:30 in the morning and crashed into their neighbors’ mailbox?”
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
Now frequently when we’re away on vacation we hear of distressing news — Hurricane Katrina happened when we were on vacation — or hilarious news, like Larry Craig trying to get a ******* in an airport bathroom, or super-hilarious distressing news, like Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face. That all happened over breaks. So when I got back to work today, I was so excited to look under my pillow to see what the news fairy had left me. And I was kind of disappointed to see just a golf club and some broken glass …”
The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien:
“Of course everyone’s talking about Tiger Woods, that’s the big story. You all know the story, right? Tiger Woods crashed his SUV into a tree, and a fire hydrant outside his house Friday morning. That’s the story, yeah. Although his airbags didn’t deploy, Tiger was protected on all sides with bags of million dollar bills.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson:
“The Florida police, they want a search warrant to figure out what happened over the weekend. Now don’t ask me because I don’t know: I was watching New Moon over and over and over. … The Orlando police aren’t used to getting a call involving an accident with someone under 80 years old. And Disney World is in Orlando; it’s usually old people there, or Goofy after he’s had too much to drink (in Goofy voice) “Is this a strip club?” They released the 911 tapes of the emergency call; why do they have to release 911 calls? I feel the same way about the music of John Mayer; nobody needs to hear these things.”
Rachel Uchitel: The night I met Tiger Woods & my life spun out of control [New York Post]
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