Nov 27, 2009, 4:00 PM EST
Once again we visit the world of Jelisa Castrodale, who as luck would have it was speeding toward Cleveland when she received the assignment to write about Brady Quinn and Alicia Sacramone. The serendipidous result is below.
Despite having a rad collection of R.E.M. concert t-shirts — and a willingness to use the word rad in conversation — I’ve come to the realization that I’m probably never going to date a professional athlete. If US Weekly is to be believed — and who doesn’t consider a magazine sold at Exxon stations to be a credible news source? — athletes are only interested in dating women whose celebrity status equals their own, whether it’s A-Rod and Kate Hudson, Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, or David Beckham and Skeletor.
Although these couples provide pages of flawless photos and rows of over-polished teeth, US Weekly and its checkout-line competitors don’t seem to understand that this isn’t exactly a new phenomenon. Ballplayers and movie stars have gone together like Tylenol and codeine since the days of DiMaggio and Monroe.
The story that should show up in this week’s sure-to-be shiny issue is the revelation that US Gymnastics team member Alicia Sacramone is dating occasional Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn. Why? Not because they share a commitment to both each other and to unrealized potential but because they’re both athletes, and that’s a pairing that happens less often than the phrases “Old Dogs” and “really good movie.”
In a recent interview with USA Gymnastics, Sacramone said, “I have become a football fan. I was always a football fan but never into it too much until now. I’m dating Brady Quinn so I travel to Cleveland on Sunday afternoons for home games.”
Wow, what a coincidence! Brady Quinn also enjoys watching the Browns play football! The former Notre Dame QB has had a total of five starts this year, although he was standing on the sidelines snuggling with his clipboard during Cleveland’s one win.
This pair aside, it seems like this would happen more often — that athletes would date other athletes — but it doesn’t and I’m not sure why. Is it a matter of competition? Of jealousy? Of seeing a future stacked with arguments over whose cleats marred the ottoman?
Despite repeatedly prodding my brain with a Q-Tip, the only such couples I could recall were Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi and Mia Hamm and Nomar Garciaparra, and three of the four have retired from competition. Well, actually all of them have if you consider that Garciaparra plays for the Oakland A’s.
The highest-profile all-athlete relationship of the past few years was the horrifying union of 18-time Grand Slam winner Chris Evert and former PGA player Greg Norman, both 54. The two left their respective spouses to hook up with each other, perhaps drawn together by a shared interest in perfectionism, entrepreneurial pursuits and brittle bones. Despite a massive wedding and the kind of public makeout sessions that still haunt my dreams, they’ve since announced their separation.
That doesn’t say that Sacramone and Quinn are equally doomed. They’ll face the same challenges of any twenty-something couple trying to make the long-distance thing work, although their bad days will be broadcast on DirecTV and they’ll have to endure more terrible gymnastics themed puns. But if things don’t work out — if they don’t, say, stick the landing — then tell Brady Quinn to call me.
Now that would be rad.
Jelisa Castrodale is a writer and comedian who has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. She chronicles her failures at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, covers music for London’s BitchBuzz and twitters while she waits at stoplights. Castrodale was featured in the book Twitter Wit and was named one of Mashable’s 10 Funniest Twitterers.
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